Water Sports: Everything You Need to Know

‘Urolagnia’ was voted Britain’s 9th biggest sexual fetish

Urolagnia, otherwise known as water sports, is actually one of Britain’s biggest sexual fetishes. What are water sports you may wonder… aren’t they games you play in a pool? A pool of someone’s piss, yes. Water sports is the sexual engagement with urine, be that with your own or a partner’s. Like most fetishes, there are far more people who are interested in this sort of play than are willing to disclose it. The forbidden aspect of this fetish increases the excitement for all participants. Water sports go way beyond a golden shower. Bringing a whole new definition to a ‘wet dream’…Urolagnia, a.k.a. water sports or piss play, still remains an extremely taboo paraphilia in today’s society

What Are Water Sports?

U rban Dictionary defines water sports as, “Sexual activity in which urine is involved. The presence of urine is generally considered erotic for those indulging in the urine related activities.”

Water sports can mean peeing on your partner, in front of your partner, near your partner, in your partner, or having your partner pee on/near/in front/ inside of you. No hard and fast rules here, except that it definitely involves pee.

Water Sports are Much More Than a Golden Shower. Why Are People Into Water Sports?

Speaking to Cosmopolitan, Samantha Manewitz, a sex therapist who specialises in working with alt-sex and kink communities, states that, “There’s often a component of dominance and submission in the act of peeing on a partner, or having a partner pee on you. But for others, golden showers are just a fetish that gets them aroused and they don’t have any interest in the power exchange aspect of urinating in front of a partner.”

She goes on to further state other wants and desires for the need of urine in sex play and in her practice, she’s found that people are into piss play for a variety of reasons. “Water sports can foster trust and intimacy, there is vulnerability both in having a partner pee in your presence and allowing yourself to be peed on,” she continues, “There is also something about exchanging bodily fluids in general that can be hot for some. The fact that it is ‘wrong’ and ‘dirty’ can be a turn on in, and of itself.“

I think our relationship has evolved to the point where I can give ... — @someecards

In an article for Esquire, the writer states, “On a very basic level I like watching men hold their dicks in their hands. I also like the sheer quantity that you can get with urine – a physical impossibility with semen, unless you have some as-yet-undiscovered diet that means you can ejaculate with the volume of a post-pub-crawl toilet stop. And finally, it’s the expression on a guy’s face when he – the clue is in the name – ‘relieves himself.’ There are echoes of the satisfaction of a really good orgasm.”

Some people like to pee in public or semi-public, combining exhibitionism with peeing. ‘Pussing’ is a British term for a fetish that involves watching someone pee in a public or semi-public place.

Meanwhile, ‘Omorashi’ is a Japanese term to describe a fetish for having a bladder so full that you need to pee urgently, and getting sexually aroused by either feeling this sensation yourself, or getting sexually aroused by watching, and forcing someone to be in this position. Then there are the people who love to wet their panties ‘accidentally’ or to observe ‘accidents’.

Havelock Ellis was an English doctor who studied human sexuality in the early 20th century. He was one of the first to talk about this fetish and also to admit that he had this fetish. He thought the fetish had emerged from various incidents in his childhood and adolescence where he witnessed his mother urinating. Lots of people with urolagnia can trace their desire back to a time where they became aroused and urine was present.

There are more reasons – very rarely can you look at an individual kink and say “this is exactly why people like it” – different people will pick up on different details that turn them on. But when reading about water sports, lots of people mention enjoying the humiliation aspect. Others enjoy the smell or the taste, or the warm wetness. Contrary to popular myths, it isn’t particularly an unhygienic or dangerous thing either.

For many, it’s the sheer taboo of it that gets them off. Piss play is sexy for the same reason that BDSM is sexy: it’s considered naughty, dirty, even morally wrong, and for some that can be a major turn on.

The Facts & Stats

Last year during a nationwide study for Channel 4’s ‘Great British Sex Survey‘, urolagnia came in at number 9 in the UK’s top sexual fetishes. Stats on kinks – especially taboo kinks – are notoriously hard to gather, because there are many things lots of us enjoy that we’re unwilling to admit. Even still, the survey estimated that at least one million British people are into water sports – a figure that is still pretty high regardless.

In 2014, researchers at the University of Montreal set out to discover just how common certain sexual fantasies were in men and women. Around 3.5% of women reported fantasies about urinating on (or being urinated on) by a partner, and (like usual) the figures for men were higher: 8.9% wanted to wee on someone, 10% wanted to be weed on. When regarding sexual fantasies, male stats are often higher than a woman’s purely because of the taboo that forbids women talking about sex in general – so no doubt, the percentage is higher than 3.5% in reality.

There’s still plenty of water sports porn out there – a PornHub search for ‘piss’ turns up over 10,000 videos – but in general censors frown on anything that involves urine. Esquire states that, in fact, “The British Board of Film Classification in the UK won’t even allow female ejaculation in porn, because it is convinced that female ejaculate and ‘urine’ are one and the same thing. The proposed Digital Economy Bill, which is currently on-track to become UK law, would block websites which include acts like urination and female ejaculation.” They go on to bring to light, “Which does raise the rather interesting question: if a video did emerge of a public figure indulging in water sports with some sex workers, would anyone actually be allowed to publish it?”

How to Practice it Safely

Consent – consent is the most important part of any sexual engagement. Both parties need to fully consent to whatever act you’re going to do and both parties need to know they can stop the act at any point (for whatever reason). Opening up the conversation with, “Are you interested in experimenting with water sports?” is probably a best had before the foreplay kicks off, not in the heat of the moment.

Make a plan and stick to the plan – and then be sure you’re taking general cleanliness into account. Is this something you want to try out in the shower? In a bed? On the floor? Where is the urine going? Are you avoiding the face? Are you urinating in their mouth? Sticking to the set plan ensures all the conditions of consent are being met, and no one is surprised in a way they are utterly unprepared for.

Uberkinky states, “For those interested in golden showers and drinking urine, one has to wonder if it’s even safe. Remember, what goes in must come out, so any medication or supplement will be excreted in the urine. To reduce the risk of transmitting bacteria, it is good practice to start mid-stream rather than at the very beginning. This allows the urethra to be flushed out of any lingering bacteria in the event of a urinary tract infection.”

It’s handy knowledge not only in case you hook up with a fetishist, but also if you happen to get stranded in the desert. If drinking urine is good enough for Bear Grylls, and as long as they follow the general safety advice, it’s good enough for kinky people too.

Can I Get Any Infections Practicing Water Sports?

A healthy person’s urine is 95 percent water and is sterile, so drinking it in small amounts is not a problem. However, if the person has an infection, then this is not a great idea. Many people who practice water sports drink lots of water so the urine is dilute.

According to Indiana Public Media, “Urine is still safe to drink in the short term. Normally, urine is about 95 percent water and only five percent waste minerals such as excess potassium and calcium. So at least at first, drinking urine isn’t that different from drinking water.”

And for those worried if you can catch an STI through golden showers or drinking someone’s urine, BeSafeMeds states, “While we can test for gonorrhea and chlamydia by testing urine samples, there is no transmission of STDs through urine. So, while golden showers may sound gross and are not for everyone, the chance of getting an STD from a shower of urine is next to zero.”

EXPLAINED: The Spit Fetish

After reading through various disturbing articles about men with a saliva fetish requesting women on the street spit in jars, filming it, and later swallowing it and then (sometimes) getting arrested – I came to the realisation that the spit fetish is a lot different to a saliva fetish. The spit fetish is all about the dominant and submissive role partaken in BDSM whereas the saliva fetish is more about the messy and wet side of things I guess? Those sort of instances would be classed as more of a paraphilia, as the women getting involved don’t benefit off – consensually or non-consensually – doing the act. Defined by Encyclopedia, “Paraphilias are no longer understood as dysfunctional deviations from the normal, as the sexual perversions once were, but are now defined as behaviors centered on sexual arousal with objects or situations where affection may not be reciprocal or returned.” A saliva paraphilia is called Salirophilia.

The Spit? FetISH?! Is what you’re probably thinking right now. Yes, the spit fetish. It’s a part of the BDSM spectrum, branching off as one of the many fetishes amongst it. BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. But you may like spit more than you think, like everything on the BDSM spectrum – it has levels. Do you use a bit of spit to help lubrication with masturbation? Or to make the blowjob that bit more slippery? Then you probably have a bit of a spit fetish.

What Is a Spit Fetish?

What is a spit fetish? – When a person gets aroused by being spit on or spitting on someone else. The person spitting is usually the dominant and the person being spat on, the submissive.

Is a spit fetish the same as a saliva fetish? – No, although both are based on the same subject, a saliva fetishist gets off on the feel, look and sensation of the saliva on their skin. Someone with a spit fetish likes the humiliation aspect of being spit on or being the person doing the spitting.

Why Do People Like Involving Spit During Play?

The act of being spat in your mouth, or being spat on your face/ body is similar to the feeling of cum in a sense, which could also be another reason why someone desires to be spat on during intercourse.

As for the person doing the spitting, it can be a dominant thing – the commonly “you’re below me” attitude that is associated with spitting – a degradation and humiliation aspect. Also, the appearance of the spit crossed with make-up, making someone look a hot mess. Again, that’s a dominant thing. In addition, if the partner is tied up, with spit on their face falling down and they’re unable to do anything about it, it could also be a huge turn on because they are essentially solely relying on you and trusting you and devoting themselves regardless of what unnecessary disturbances may come in the way – like spit falling off your eyelash making you partially blind as you’re getting fucked, but it’s all good!

But jokes aside – don’t get spit in your partners eye as it will sting, go bloodshot, and could create room for infection. So… avoid the eyes!

Some History

The Urantia Book claims that (historically) saliva was a potent fetish. Apparently, “devils could be driven out by spitting on a person” and “for an elder or superior to spit on one was the highest compliment”. Furthermore, it could perhaps be argued that saliva plays a (direct or indirect) role in a lot sexual behaviour that raises the question of how “deviant” saliva fetishes actually are.

The Difference Between the Saliva & Spit Fetish

Many different bodily substances have formed the basis of paraphilic and/or fetishistic behaviour including urine (urophilia), faeces (coprophilia), blood (menophilia and clinical vampirism), and breast milk (lactophilia). However, one bodily fluid that has not really been the subject of scientific research is saliva in relation to saliva fetishes and spit fetishes. And there is actually a difference between the two.

The saliva fetishists don’t really appear to share much in common with spit fetishists, as that appears to be more a part of sadomasochistic sexual activity.

Those with a saliva fetish are turned on by qualities in the spit—it’s lubricating silkiness, its wetness, its scent, or whose mouth it comes from. They like to rub their hands, face, mouth, and genitals in the substance for the tactile sensations and the essence of the saliva donor.

Those with a spit fetish on the other hand have a different reason—they want to be spit on to be degraded or humiliated by the object of their affection. It’s still about receiving the essence, but the trigger of arousal is in the act of humiliation, not in the warm slimy feeling of the spit itself. This is often called spitting domination.

The Link to BDSM

If you have a desire to be spat on, this is usually associated with you seeking domination from the spitter/ having the need to be sexually humiliated – making the person being spat on, the submissive.

Most of the online literature focused on spitting fetishes (as opposed to saliva fetishes) appears to be rooted in BDSM and is usually referred to as ‘spitting domination’. The dominant partner may spit onto their submissive partner’s face and/or mouth.

If your kink involves aspects of humiliation and degradation, spitting can be the perfect addition to that kind of dynamic. There’s something about being spat on that really enhances the feelings of submission for a lot of people.

Many of the online articles about spitting fetishes see parallels between the act of spitting and the act of ejaculation – particularly in relation to ‘facials’ (i.e. the act of men ejaculating onto someone’s face) and the practice of bukkake (i.e. the act of several/many men simultaneously ejaculating onto someone’s face and/or body).

Compared to all other paraphilic and fetishistic behaviours concerning sexual arousal to human bodily fluids, there is significantly less written about saliva and spitting fetishes. Whether academic and/or clinical research is needed is – at present – debatable.

It’s also extremely important to negotiate this with a partner before you begin – like anything – as many people really won’t enjoy this kind of play. There is an obvious distinction between a spitting and saliva fetish which I hope has now been more brought to light. Spitting is related to BDSM and saliva is the context within the feel, texture and outright appearance of the saliva itself on your lovers body. Have fun, be consensual and play dirty and safe.

The Rape Fantasy

**DISCLAIMER** Content Warning: Those who find discussions of rape and sexual assault triggering, I advise you to please not read any further.

You don’t need me to tell you that rape is a serious matter. The sad truth is one in three women has been, or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime – according to the WHO. But with discussions of it everywhere, and the sadly very present fear a lot of women (and some men) carry with them as they just try and go about their day-to-day, what about what goes on in our head?

What Is A Rape Fantasy? (Shorthand)

There’s a wide range of sexual fantasies people have, ranging from entirely unrealistic to applicable to real life, sex with a warewolf through to banging on a plane. But the fantasy of being raped, also known as nonconsent and forced sex fantasies, is common. But this common fantasy is one that few of us feel comfortable sharing. It puts people on edge and makes us feel a bit wrong. Controversial in nature — and they can include fantasies about rape or sexual violence.

And it’s incredibly important to note that while rape fantasies are common, this does not mean that women secretly wants to be raped. There is a huge difference between acted out role-play, imagined scenarios, and real-life experiences. No one asks to be raped, no one deserves to be raped, and how common forced sex fantasies are in no way justifies unwanted sexual contact of any nature.

Role-playing or acting out with a partner a rape fantasy is a BDSM practice. It involves someone taking a dominant role, and the other, the submissive role. Not all sexual fantasies involve BDSM.

The Rape Fantasy Explained

Psychologists use to believed that dreams and fantasies were subconscious wishes, therefore, women who had rape fantasies actually wanted to be coerced into sex. That view has been thoroughly debunked. Fantasies don’t necessarily reflect wishes.

For those in long-term relationships, often, one of the most common fantasies is sex with someone else – even when the daydreamer is happy in the relationship and has no real desire to jump into another bed. Fantasies are just that – a fantasy.

According to Psychology Today, todays psychologists suggest that women’s rape fantasies have three main possible explanations:

Sexual blame avoidance: This explanation recognises that womens erotic desires may trigger feelings of guilt and shame. How can a woman endure avant garde sexual fantasies without developing those feelings? By fantasising about being forced. That way women aren’t responsible for sex and need not feel distressed about it. It was forced. It wasn’t my fault.

Sexual desirability: This reflects the need to be so desired that the man quite literally can’t contain themselves. This sort of fantasy is often reflected with an attraction to the man, and once resisted at first turns into enjoyment, which real life rape definitely does not. The sexual-desirability explanation says that women have rape fantasies to bolster feelings of seductiveness and desirability. I’m so hot. I drive men crazy.

Sexual openness: This explanation says that women who enjoy sex and accept their enjoyment without anxiety, guilt, or shame feel sufficiently free to play with erotic scenarios beyond the boundaries of what they’d ever want to experience in real life. It’s fantasy. I’m free to fantasize anything.

Clinical psychologist, Dr Michael Yates explains to Metro that,

“Rape fantasies allow women to reduce distress associated with sex, as they are not responsible for what occurs, therefore have less need to feel guilt or shame about acting upon their own sexual desires or feelings. In our minds, it’s not us doing it, it’s all the other person, meaning we don’t have to feel guilty or dirty. This explains why most rape fantasies don’t tend to be extremely violent, and why the women I asked reported resisting at first before having an enjoyable experience (which real-life rape is definitely not).”

Grazia Daily speak to sex psychologist Dr Frederick Toates, who wrote How Sexual Desire Works: The Enigmatic Urge.

Grazia asked, “Are some women even turned on by rape fantasies simply because they’re not meant to have them?”

Dr. Toates answered, “What is a transgression is attractive, for men and women. People find illicit things attractive and that could be an added component in women finding rape fantasies a turn-on.”

Grazia also asked, “Is it likely that women who have rape fantasies have been assaulted or raped before?”

To which Dr. Toates states, “Sometimes if you’re in a traumatic situation you go back to recreate it, but whether women go back to re-run the situation and re-calibrate it to be desirable is yet to be reported.”

Paradoxically to what you may think, most women think that rape fantasies made them feel in control. A main thing to remember about a fantasy is that even though in the fantasy you experience a loss of control, in actual fact one is totally in control.

The Stats

A study evaluating rape fantasies containing 355 female undergraduate participants, revealed that, 52% had fantasised about being forced by a man and 17% had fantasised about being forced by a woman. 32% fantasised about being raped by a man meanwhile 9% fantasised about being raped by a woman. 28% had fantasised about forced oral from a man whilst 9% fantasised about forced oral by a woman, and 16% fantasised about forced anal and 24% fantasised about being forced while incapacitated (drunk/ under the influence).

Forced and raped weren’t explicitly explained, it was up to the participant to interpret the phrases in their own way. Hence why results for “rape” are a lot less than “forced” due to the shame that comes with confessing you’ve fantasised about something that’s so horrific. The participants were considerably more likely to fantasize being “forced” than “raped,” presumably because “rape” carries more connotations of violence and harm.

15% of the study participants reported being sexual assault survivors. The research found no correlation between real-life rape and whether participants had fantasised about rape.

Among respondents who admitted fantasies of being forced by men, 33% had them less than once a year, 26% admitted to a few times a year, 20% claimed once a month, 11% weekly, and 9% had them at least four times a week.

Among the 71 participants who reported fantasies of being forced by women, 50 said they were heterosexual. The most sexually anxious, guilty, and repressed women had the fewest rape fantasies. However, it was proven that the most sexually open and self-accepting women had the most rape fantasies. The women who considered themselves attractive also had frequent rape fantasies. This is probably to do with the desire aspect – being so attractive a man can’t control himself.

You’re Not Wrong or F*cked Up, You are NORMAL

In case you were wondering … you're normal.

You’re scared of looking different. Even worse, you worry about what would happen if you actually did get raped, and it came out that you fantasized about it on a regular basis. You can learn a lot about yourself by exploring your darkest, most taboo sexual desires. Despite what your parents taught you, it’s healthy.

Rape fantasies and role play are paragons of consent. No matter how dark or violent, they revolve around clear communication and mutual respect. People with a healthy sexuality understand how a foundation of consent supports any moment like that.

People who are open sexually fantasize about hundreds of things that they know can never happen in life. A rape fantasy can never violate your consent. When you’re inside your head, you control everything that happens.

Too often, we dismiss what we don’t understand about sex. Including our own desires and identities. Don’t be scared of what you want. Find a safe way to learn more about it. You can find dozens of communities where people embrace each other’s ‘devious’ and ‘perverted’ sexualities. No matter what you’re into, you’re not alone.

Exploring Your Fantasy

The key to enjoying rape fantasy is safety. The first thing one must do is to discuss their fantasies with their partner(s). What would you like to be done? It is completely acceptable to want some kind of physical element, i.e. hair pulling, choking, being called names. Talk it out with your partner(s) beforehand, be clear about what you are ok with and what you do not want, and establish a safe word that would indicate when the acting out of the fantasy would stop. Click on my BDSM and Safe Practice article to explore further on bringing your fantasies to life. To read more on Consent click here.

There is no bad sexual fantasy. It is only important that if a fantasy is acted out, it is fully consensual and it happens safely.

Fantasies are FANTASIES.

Why Mental Health Is A Feminist Issue | Talkspace

Men and especially women feel ashamed because they know on an intellectual level that rape is bad and should not be tolerated. They do not understand how they can find such a situation erotic.

It is completely acceptable that someone who identifies as a feminist has a rape fantasy. The fantasy does not delegitimise one’s politics. Feminism is as much about exploring and accepting oneself as it is about ending patriarchy and the discrimination that comes with it.

The fantasiser finds the man or woman raping them to be terribly attractive, and there is no disgust or repulsion in the mix. There is usually no arousal happening in real-life situations when a woman is being forced into sex, making actual rape incredibly different than what’s happening in our heads. There is an eroticism present in fantasies that simply doesn’t exist when rape happens out in the real world.

But know that if you’re having rape fantasies, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you’re not a ‘bad feminist’. and it doesn’t mean you’d actually like to be raped in real life. Fantasies are just that — fantasies.

In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. Not everyone accepts this, but as sexual openness increases, so does willingness to daydream about sexual scenarios one would never really want to experience. Women who have rape fantasies don’t want to be sexually assaulted. They feel comfortable with their own sexuality and are happy to embrace their erotic fantasies—wherever they may lead.

Fire and Ice: A Guide To Temperature Play

Credit: *pxfuel (https://www.pxfuel.com/en/free-photo-xtick)*

What is Temperature Play?

To put it simply, it’s a technique often used (but not exclusively) in BDSM as well as ‘vanilla’ foreplay that uses heat or cold to stimulate the skin and provoke a sensual reaction. Temperature play is often combined with blindfolding and/or bondage to heighten the sensation.

Cosmopolitan states, “The main aim of temperature play is to provoke arousal by using the skin’s neuroreceptors. Stimulation through heat or cold gives the body a rush of sensations that, during foreplay, is translated into arousal. Temperature play is especially fun for the receiver when hot and cold are combined together in unpredictable patterns.”

Fire

There are a variety of ways to incorporate heat and fire into your sex life, but like anything, work your way up to the more intense side of things and don’t just dive straight in. A common source of heat use during foreplay is wax, but make sure you use candles designed specifically for sensual play as household candles have varying melting points, (meaning you could get badly burned).

Massage candles like this French Vanilla Candle by Olivia’s Boudoir are specifically formulated to burn at lower temperatures than regular wax candles. Plus, they melt into a delicious-smelling oil that you can rub into your partner’s skin for a sensual massage. However, whilst massage candles are cooler than a candle you’d find in a shop – that doesn’t mean they aren’t hot — they’re just much less likely to burn your skin. So grab your favorite scent and settle in a for a hot night, literally.

If you’re using a regular candle, and not a massage oil candle, wax play can be dangerous. If you’re not careful, you could burn your skin with too-hot wax. Be sure to test your boundaries and start slowly. Start with wax that burns at lower temperatures, like soy or paraffin candles, and drop the wax from higher distances (it’ll cool down as it falls through the air). Once you get more comfortable, you can try a wax with a higher melting point, like beeswax or palm. You can also drop the wax closer to the body, which will make the heat more intense.

Some fun, hot and less dangerous methods involve melted chocolate or edible oil which can be heated to your satisfaction and licked off you, making it that all more enjoyable.

There’s a lot more you can do with temperature than you think, ranging from simple beginner tips to hardcore and slightly/very dangerous (which we don’t recommend unless you’re an expert!). For example, there are some more extreme forms of temperature play using fire such as cupping, or streaking.

For those wondering, ‘streaking’ is where fuel is applied directly to the skin, lit on fire, then extinguished before the skin starts to burn. Fire cupping involves soaking a cotton ball in almost pure alcohol, the cotton is then lit and placed into the cup and quickly removed, while the cup is placed on the skin. Fire cupping often leaves marks that can remain from a few hours to a few days.

Some other hardcore fire fun consists of branding, fire flogging, fire fleshing (similar to streaking), and more. However, as previously stated – this should be left entirely for the professionals due to the high risk involved.

Ice

When talking of temperature play, the first thing that often springs to mind for most people is your partner using a ice cube in their mouth to melt on to your naked body, but as hot (and cool) as that may be, there’s a lot more you can do with temperature play.

A fun way of experimenting with the cold sensation down there is by chewing a menthol chewing gum (Airways: menthol & eucalyptus for a stronger feeling) and either removing it or keeping it in your mouth during oral sex. It gives your genitals that tingling sensation that you get with ice, but just not as intense.

By using toys that retain the cold such as glass and metal, don’t hesitate to take advantage of that, and leave them resting in an ice bucket for that extra tingling sensation when it comes around to either pleasuring yourself or having someone else use the toys on you. However, you must always test the temperature on another area of skin (like your inner elbow) before using – this goes for both hot and cold ventures. If you don’t have a glass or metal sex toy, fear not – silicone sex toys work too!

While you can definitely use ice cubes during sex, there are both safe and potentially dangerous ways to do so. Speaking to Elite Daily, sex educator, Crista Anne states that before using ice on sensitive areas, let it thaw out slightly. “Set it aside in a bowl or cup for five to 10 minutes. While the ice is melting a bit, get things heated up for maximum sensation shift. Beyond safety, this will also allow the ice to slip and slide over skin. Ice sticking to sensitive areas can be damaging and painful,” she adds. In general, you should proceed with excessive caution when using ice internally. Ice should never be inserted for more than five minutes, according to Crista.

Frostbite is a real concern when using ice during sex. “Some people will find the cold slightly uncomfortable at first, but pain is a sign of trouble when it comes to ice play,” says Crista. “This is why communicating about the sensations you’re both feeling is so important. A ‘pins and needles’ sensation, burning, and stinging are all warning signs of frostbite. Visual cues mean you should stop immediately and get warm. Look out for excessive redness or even a blueish tint to the skin, which is rare, but possible. The person using the ice should also be aware of these signs, because the skin on the fingertips is sensitive as well. Keeping a washcloth in a bowl of warm water nearby is a good safety measure” advises Crista.

However cold foods can also be tantilizing during sex, one source recommended fresh cold watermelon. Just be careful with foods and especially anything sweet down there as you don’t want a yeast infection! But how fun does that sound?! Hard, cold watermelon brushed on your skin and then bit into so the juice explodes all over your body, running everywhere to be licked up. Mmmmmm…

Lube

Lube is everyone’s best friend! It can be incorporated to anything sex and is a versatile sex accessory, and you can also change the temperature of your lube for heightened orgasms. Holly Richmond, PhD and sex therapist states to Refinery29, “If lube is at body temperature, we’re not feeling it. All we’re feeling is the penetration or the vibration,” Dr. Richmond says. “But if you add that extra layer, that extra element of warmth or cool, that takes things to another sensory level. Stick your lube in the fridge for a few minutes to cool it down, or, get a lube warmer, such as a Touch or a Pulse.” Dr. Richmond suggests.

But be careful: Just like with your sex toys, you don’t want to get your lube too warm or too cold. Test a few drops on your wrist before using the lube just to check. There are lubes for just about everything, and that includes temperature play. Sensation lubes are handy to keep by your bedside. You can buy them from Durex such as the Durex Play Warming Lube and the Durex Tingling Lube.

DD/LG

For years the “daddy” dynamic in relationships has remained almost entirely a secret phenomena to those outside of the BDSM sphere. In fact it even became a fashion trend at some point in the last few years, to call attractive older men “daddy” as part of an aesthetic, which Lana Del Ray is partly to blame for. Shockingly, there were 13/14 year old girls at the time referring to men whom they found attractive as “daddy”. This is disturbing because they don’t understand what they’re inciting. The Internet also has a huge part to play in glamourising and self-diagnosing ‘daddy issues’.

Once you move past the initial reactions and delve into the reasoning behind DD/LG, it’s not actually as strange as you might think. It builds on some very basic human instincts and emotions.

This kind of BDSM dynamic involves the submissive being treated as both princess and juvenile, being pampered and spoiled for her good behaviors and punished for her bad behaviours. And with the rise of men receiving this nickname, it’s time we start talking about what this really means.

What is DD/LG?

DD/LG stands for Daddy Dom and Little Girl, it’s a part of the BDSM community. The partner to a “daddy” is a “little girl.”

Kinkly.com defines the word ‘Daddy’ as, “In the world of BDSM, a daddy is a dominant male who takes on the role of a father-like figure. While daddies are often very domineering and authoritative, they are also usually very protective, much like a real father would be. This type of dominant figure in BDSM is most recognized in daddy and little girl relationships, where the little girls are actually adult women playing a role. During this type of age play, adult women may dress and behave just like little girls.”

With this kink, men take care of their “littles,” providing toys and discipline. The littles, in turn, bring a joyful, and childlike innocence to the relationship. The DDLG community is widely spoken about on Tumblr, where people express their desires to submit to a Daddy, or exploit their sexual relationship with their dominant/ submissive other online.

According to one report, slang use of the word “daddy” dates back to 1681, when prostitutes began adopting the term as a way to refer to their pimps. Pop culture has helped keep things alive since then.

The “Daddy” trend, of course, extends well beyond the heterosexual community. According to PornHub’s 2018 Year In Review report, searches for the term “Daddy” experienced significant growth on the PornHub Gay page. While it didn’t reach the ‘most searched’ status, “Daddy” did make it into the top five.

Why Do People Call Their Partner’s “Daddy”?

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The general consensus implies that women call their partners “daddy” because they are into submitting to male authority figures. As for the name, the dominant is of a higher power, therefore they often want to be referred to as a title such as sir/ master however, some use “Daddy”. But just to be clear, this isn’t because they want their actual dad to fuck them. One can assume the role of Daddy/Mommy or boy/boi/girl regardless of their actual age or gender.

Sex therapist Vanessa Marin says to VICE, “Yes, ‘daddy’ can mean ‘father,’ but we also use the word to indicate when someone is the boss, in charge, a protector, or doing a good job. That’s usually the meaning women are going for in the bedroom. It’s a bit of a 70s porn cliche. I’ve never run across a woman who called her partner ‘daddy’ because she genuinely liked fantasizing that he was her father.”

Calling your partner “daddy” isn’t incest, just as calling your partner “baby” does not suggest pedophilia. It’s not just men perpetuating this dynamic, either. According to PornHub’s analytic team, women are actually 96 percent more likely to search for “Dad” and “Daddy” compared to men.

A common theory many people hold is that those who enjoy DD/LG relationships have some level of childhood trauma that they are trying to make up for. This is an interesting consideration, as for some people, it can hold very true, and for others, it will be completely wrong.

‘Daddy Issues’

Urban Dictionary defines ‘daddy issues’ as – and I quote – “The result of a messed up relationship with one’s father, or having an absent father. Results in younger women chasing older men and even seeking mistreatment in some cases.”

A recent study in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences rebuffs the notion of daddy issues with regards to women dating older men, suggesting no difference in attachment styles. Despite this, the stereotype is rampant.

Isn’t It Pretty Much Pedophilia/ Incest?

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Despite what some may believe, acting as a ‘daddy’ has nothing to do with pedophilia, nor does it have anything to do with incest. It mimics the nurturing relationship between a father and child. A relationship with a ‘daddy’ is more about being able to let go of one’s responsibilities and let a warm, dominant figure take the reins.

Those outside of the kink community are often disgusted by this fetish as they think it feeds into a problem society has with sexualizing children. Sites that advocate BDSM more than not, feel the need to mention that the DD/LG sub-category of BDSM strictly DOES NOT promote incest or pedophilia. This is because both participants are consensual adults, who play on the dynamic of a bond between father and daughter as opposed to fantasizing about a relationship about their actual father or daughter. It’s an extended play on dominant and submissive.

A d/s relationship is based on authority, power and control. The submissive gives the authority to him. After he has authority, he exercises power and control over her. Always remember that authority is NEVER taken from the submissive. It is given to him. To read more about BDSM and the consensual practices surrounding it, click here.

The Foot Fetish

Now for some reason, a sense of dread goes through people when they hear ‘foot fetish’ and for others, well… they get excited. I think the sense of dread comes from the fear of the unknown most times, you don’t know what to expect, you don’t know if you will like it, and you don’t know what others – or your partner – may think afterwards.

Most of the time, the sense of disgust or dread is just from pure ignorance. You’re uneducated. That’s ok! Like any fetish, this isn’t going to be for everyone. You might not like it, and that is fine too. However, if you can understand it a bit more, perhaps your judgement of disgust – when you next come across someone with a foot fetish – will be no longer.

What is a Foot Fetish?

BigThink.com states that, “The most common answer to the question of how fetishes are formed is that a fetish is a learned response. For instance, when a neutral item (such as a shoe, for example) is paired with something arousing (a nude photo, for example), the previously neutral item is eventually associated with arousal and sexual excitement, eventually becoming a trigger for arousal.”

Heathline.com explains that, “A foot fetish is a sexual interest in feet. In other words, feet, toes, and ankles turn you on. This particular preference for feet can vary from person to person. Some people are turned on just by looking at feet. Others may find painted nails, jewelry, or other adornments appealing. Still, others get sexual satisfaction in foot treatments, such as massaging or worshiping feet.”

Why are People into Feet ?

Your partner having a foot fetish doesn’t mean they want to submit to a findom and pay her loads of money to worship her feet. I mean it might do, but not everyone’s fantasies are that extreme. Your feet are covered with nerve endings, and nerve endings equal greater, often more intense, sensations.

Some people just want to caress your feet along with the rest of your body, so they’re touching every part of you, making the contact (and whole experience) more sensual and intimate. Tickling, rubbing, and massaging may all feel immensely better on feet.

New York-based psychotherapist Dulcinea Pitagora a.k.a ‘The Kink Doctor’ says to Vice,

“The homunculus shows the parts of the body with the most sensory receptors, feet being one of those body parts with a massive amount of sensory receptors. Feet just so happen to be mapped very close to genitalia on the brain, so it also makes sense that there would be relatively frequent associations.” Foot fetishes could possibly result from cross-wiring in the brain between feet and the genital parts.

Pitagora also believes that foot fetishes aren’t predominantly a male-only fetish. We only presume that because of how heterosexual males are socialized to be the most vocal about their sexuality, in comparison to other minorities, who aren’t as confident in vocalising and acting on their sexual preferences.

Sigmund Freud claimed that people sexualize feet because they resemble penises. But I mean, each to their own.

How Common Are Foot Fetishes? The Stats.

The foot fetish is one of the most common, mainstream fetishes, and a lot more people are actually interested in feet than you think. Due to the bad reaction that usually comes with telling people they like feet (or any kink really) most people don’t reveal their desires, unless they’re comfortable with their partner. According to this study, they found that about half of the people they surveyed had a foot fetish.

Mens Health reached out to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, author of ‘Tell Me What You Want’ and whilst conducting research for his book, Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans about their sexual fantasies. Among other things, he asked about fantasies pertaining to feet and toes. His research shows that, 5% are heterosexual women, 18% are heterosexual men, 11% are lesbian and bisexual women and 21% are gay and bisexual men.

Proving a theory that foot fetishes are a predominantly male orientated fetish, however like mentioned previously, women may not feel as comfortable expressing their sexual desires, creating inaccurate research (to an extent).

Sexual Paraphilia

However, sexual paraphilia can be prevalent with foot fetishes, as many other things. Sexual paraphilia is where a person gets a fixated sexual arousal off fantasizing about something that is frowned upon in society/ extreme. The person becomes dependent on that thing for their sole sexual gratification. Psychology Today defines paraphilia more in depth,

“A paraphilia is a condition in which a person’s sexual arousal and gratification depend on fantasizing about, and engaging in sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme. A paraphilia is considered a disorder when it causes distress or threatens to harm someone else. A paraphilia can revolve around a particular object (children, animals, underwear) or a particular behavior (inflicting pain, exposing oneself) but is distinguished by a preoccupation with the object or behavior to the point of being dependent on that object or behavior for sexual gratification. Most paraphilias are far more common in men than in women. The focus of a paraphilia is usually very specific and unchanging.”

What Pleasure do People Get From Foot Fetishes?

Fetishes—about feet or something else—are a “multi-sensory experience,” Lehmiller says: “Different people might find very different things arousing about their fetish object.”

Humiliation and Domination Aspect: The feet are at the bottom of your body and often when you worship someone, you bow to their feet. The same concept applies for people into feet and domination. They’re submitting to the person whose feet they’re worshiping, making a power exchange. Some people enjoy power play and feeling below others, and feet are just another part of their power play with their dominant other.

If your partner has expressed fondness for feet, and you want to help them with their fantasy, you can start by rubbing their genitals with your feet, (over their clothing perhaps) and build up from there. Your partner might want to massage your feet, which if you’re not ticklish, can be great. Your partner may also want to kiss your feet or suck your toes during intercourse, if you’re ok with this, then suggest it. Or even a foot job! Just figure out what you both like.

If you’ve expressed your feet desires and your partner doesn’t share the same interest in feet as you do, they may have other curiosities they’d like to explore. Being honest about your fetishes and desires can put into motion a virtuous cycle that lets you both find fun, new activities you both enjoy. So don’t be afraid, and talk to your partner!

To read about other fetishes like Ropeplay & Bondage or BDSM click here

Ropeplay and Bondage

What Is It?

Bondage is a part of the BDSM subculture, it is a fetish that has been interpreted in many ways all over the world and is a fun intro to kink. You can start by tying one person’s wrists together during foreplay and/or intercourse (and reverse it if you like). If you enjoy being restrained then progress on to more restrictive ties like a hog tie. Just have fun with it, and if you aren’t … then stop! P.s. This article won’t be covering self-bondage or suspension; as those will be separate articles.

Bondage is the practice of consensually physically, restraining, tying, or binding a partner for erotic or aesthetic pleasure. There have been many interpretations of bondage using a variety of different restraints such as, chains, rope, bandage, tape and cuffs (whether metal, leather, hand, or thumb). Shibari is a popular, more complicated form of rope-tying that originates from Japan, so if you want to get more creative you could always try Shibari Bondage.

Bondage is used to heighten sexual pleasure for both participants, the one tied is the submissive and the other is the dominant. Bondage can be pleasurable for both participants in various ways. The dominant will receive a sense of power over the submissive as they are restrained and they will therefore feel in full control. The submissive will get pleasure from the eviction of power and letting someone else take control, but for both the whole experience of tying someone up – and being tied up – can be very exciting and arousing.

Choose Your Weapon

You can purchase bondage rope which won’t cause any damage or burns to the skin, but there’s a range of different ropes you can use. Multi-filament, nylon, and hemp are common materials for rope. However, natural materials usually need some conditioning before use. Make sure the rope doesn’t have the potential to splinter, stretch or shrink.

Fetish and the Boundaries

Though increasingly common, BDSM is a fetish, therefore it isn’t for everyone. If your partner is interested in BDSM and wants to start doing it with you, and you don’t want to do it – you don’t have to. Consent also applies in this situation, if you feel uncomfortable doing it and your partner knows that, then you shouldn’t be forced to go through with it.

There are thousands of fetishes out there to be discovered, but some people just aren’t into kink, that’s ok, and you must respect that. However, most partners will want to please their other and try out new things, and that’s great! As long as both parties involved are happy to go ahead with the play, then that is fine.

Why Do People Enjoy it?

In an experience listed on Psychology Today, they say, “Some people have to be tied up to be free.” Sexual fetishes are often more than not, linked to an individual’s childhood and past experiences, and their personality. Frequently people of authoritarian figures, those with a lot of responsibility (in life and work), and the seemingly ‘alpha’ characters are submissive in the bedroom.

This is because when they are tied up, unable to move, they’re trusting someone else to take control for a change and are alleviated of all life’s stresses, whilst they’re there in that moment. The essential component is not the pain or bondage itself, but rather the knowledge that one person has complete control over the other, deciding what that person will hear, do, taste, touch, smell and feel.

Don’t get misconstrued though, there are a lot of people who are both domineering and controlling in both their actual life and in the bedroom. The dominant partner enjoys the power play because they feel in full control having someone submit to their every want and command.

Neurologist, Sigmund Freud believes that the desire to submit, arises from guilt feelings over the desire to dominate.

How To Do It Safely

When practicing BDSM it is always advised to have a ‘safe word’. A safe word is a word that when either participant says it, you know to stop whatever it is you’re doing – immediately. Therefore, even if you’re just experimenting with rope/bondage – make sure you have a safe word, as this allows play to stop straight away. Should you have been harmed in any way, or you’re just not feeling it anymore, then you have that comfort of mind to be able to stop the situation and get out of the ropes at any time.

Bondage is safer when conducted between sober, trusted partners who are fully aware of the risks involved and the precautions necessary to ensure safety, such as informed consent. DO NOT leave a bound person alone and always try to regularly ask your partner if they are ok throughout the practice.

Cosmopolitan has written a great article on rope bondage sex positions with visuals, to spur your imagination more when it comes to your rope-tying creativity. If you want to try some bondage, go ahead! But do it safely, and make sure your partner is ok with it too. Have fun!

If you have any questions or queries, or would like to get in touch with Shit Happens, don’t hesitate to e-mail us at shithappenstothebestofus@gmail.com

BDSM & Safe Practice

BDSM – What is it?

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. BDSM is an umbrella term for any kinky play that involves a consensual power exchange.

The larger the kink community gets, the more it must spread awareness of safe practice – especially in the BDSM community. The BDSM community is all about trust, your partner respecting your limits and of course pleasure and pain.

Therefore, doing my bit in spreading awareness, this article will cover – safe choking, spanking, aftercare, and safe words.

Through common misconception, being a submissive (sub) is not to be feared. Yes you are vulnerable, that’s the whole point of it, but when it comes down to it – the submissive is more in control of the whole situation than the dominant (dom) is.

Pretty much everything is on the submissive’s call. It’s now hurting and you want to stop doing that? It stops.

Erotic Asphyxiation : Choke Safe!

The feel of a hand caressing your neck and then having it pinning you down with pressure applied can be incredibly tantalizing for some people. Or even choking yourself out – whatever you’re in to! However, not many things come without complications…

When being with new partners who haven’t explored the BDSM avenue, choking can sometimes be a bit of a … problem. Tip Number One – Squeeze from the sides, and do not, I repeat, DO NOT squeeze on to the throat and crush your partners windpipe!

Tip Number Two – if they pass out, don’t panic! They’re not dead, just to try NOT to continue choking them or else then you might have a murder on your hands.

The reason for choking being a turn on is because the oxygen to your brain is getting restricted, making you go lightheaded. However, when the pressure is lifted the blood and oxygen begin to flow again due to a release of hormones and endorphins such as serotonin and dopamine. Which creates a sort of high.

According to Healthline.com, in the immediate aftermath of choking your body confuses the rush of endorphins and hormones as a positive, pleasurable thing. When actually the hormones were caused by your body’s protective reaction.

Instead of feeling as though warning signals are being sent to your brain and body because you’re in ‘danger’, it conflicts the feeling with pleasure. Which is why some people enjoy it so much – both men and women.

TIP : A bag over the head can also enhance the sensation received through being choked.

So… Choke safe!

Spanking and Aftercare

Spanking can be pleasurable for many reasons, powerplay, roleplay, or the pleasure derived from a touch of pain. However if you’re planning on incorporating this newly into your sex life, discover your limits and find your feet before you dive in to the deep end.

Start off with a hand, then maybe move forward to a crop, and experiment from their onwards, onto paddles, floggers, whips etc…

A big part of safe practice is aftercare which is heavily focused on within the BDSM community – due to the nature of the kink. It is always good to check on your partners mental and physical well being after engaging in some power exchange kink scene.

A certified sex coach and sexologist Gigi Engle says in an article for Mens Health that, “Aftercare is great in all sexual experiences because it takes a person’s emotional well-being into consideration.”

Aftercare isn’t just emotional support, but physical too. Tend to your partner’s bruises, rub some cream on them and give them a massage etc…

However, it is imperative that after a BDSM scene you talk about what happened and that you were ok with what went on, and that emotionally you’re comforted. That is a key part of BDSM aftercare and BDSM as a whole. Fully consensual sex.

Safe Words. What are They? How Do I Use Them?

First off – Know your limits!

To help you do this, safe words exist. Now a safe word can be anything, as long as both you and your partner know that it is your safe word. It ensures safe roleplay and that you’re both on the same page.

For example, your partner could be trying to tease you by telling you to STOP – and with a safe word, you know it’s safe for you to carry on kinking until the mutually agreed safe word is said.

It’s important to know both your own and your partners limits in the bedroom, we don’t want anyone taking more than they’re prepared to handle. Safe words aren’t necessarily for everyone as some people might have a trustworthy partner who’s respectful towards their limits.

For instance, a safe word may not necessarily be needed because a simple, change of character can call it off in some instances.

However, if you’re new to the whole BDSM scene , or if you’re having sex with a new partner – then a safe word is definitely a good option. A safe word just lets your partner know that you want to stop whatever it is that you’re doing – it can literally be ANYTHING.

Stay Kinky and Stay Safe!

Get Involved

If you would like to share one of your sex stories that you deem to be ’embarrassing’ or ‘cringey’ or even if you have any questions, send them over to shithappenstothebestofus@gmail.com and let’s change that! Shit Happens is a completely #JudgementFreeZone and I need YOUR stories!