Everything Wrong With PORN.

Thanks to the internet, accessing pornography is easier than ever. The days have gone of surreptitiously buying x-rated films and top-shelf magazines from seedy sex shops and corner stores. In 2019 there were over 42 billion visits to Pornhub, which means there was an average of 115 million visits per day. So if you’ve been indulging in a bit of cheeky pornography, you’re certainly not alone.

It is, however, important to recognise that pornography is a form of entertainment. And just like Hollywood movies, real life is far removed from what happens on set. A study from Dr.Felix consisting of 10,000 porn stars was taken to compare porn vs reality, and the data images shown in the article are extracted from this.

There are a lot of things that are wrong with porn, and the reason I say wrong is because of how people are influenced by porn. Like stated prior, porn is simply a form of entertainment. This article will cover the lack of foreplay shown during porn, the pressure on men to last long in bed, the ‘perfect’ body image, the huge lack of condoms, the sexualisation of lesbians, non-existent pubic hair, and the sexpectations porn gives the ordinary person.

Lack of Foreplay

Foreplay in porn often lasts for no time at all, and can even be edited out completely. Female porn stars always seem ready and raring to go from the off. However, for most women, foreplay is the key to good sex. According to a 2017 online survey by FPA, 83.2% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and almost 80% said they couldn’t climax from penetrative sex alone. So foreplay is pretty important when it comes to being able to get a woman off.

In nigh-on every single porno, every woman seems to orgasm at least once – regardless of foreplay. This can mislead both men and women into thinking this is the reality, when it’s not. Porn is a film, it is directed, it is edited, everything is made to look as good as it possibly can to its target audience – it is NOT reality.

This leads to women thinking there’s something wrong with them for not reaching orgasm, when it’s perfectly normal if they don’t. Meanwhile porn influences men to believe that women find it easy to orgasm, and put pressure on their partner to orgasm. If you read my article, The Female Orgasm and Squirting: The Truths, that explains in more depth about the female orgasm and how both males and females perceive it and the realities surrounding it.

Lack of Condoms

Why does nobody wear condoms in porn? Considering porn advocates sex you would think the people in the industry would use their power to advocate safe and consensual sex? Especially considering how many young people watch porn.

Most people begin to watch porn when they start going through puberty, as they then start getting sexually inquisitive. The average age for a girl starting puberty is 11 and the average age for a boy is 12 according to the NHS. Porn is so easily accessible, and straight off the back, these kids aren’t even going to know about condom use when it comes to becoming sexually active as they get older – unless they’re taught. Even then, the way porn normalises unprotected sex is definitely influencing young and naive teens all across the world.

Condoms not only protect you from getting pregnant but they also help protect against STI’s and if you’re having sex with no cover on you’re at a much high risk than you are with one on. WEAR CONDOMS!! Another problem with this, is that men especially, when they start having sex, if they don’t use condoms from the off, they get used to this idea of wanting to ‘feel’ the inside of a woman and therefore with every sexual encounter they don’t want to use a condom because porn has normalised unprotected sex so much that people think it’s weird/ unsexy to use a condom.

If both partners are monogamous and the female is on contraception then yes, you don’t necessarily have to use condoms every time you have sex. However, if you’re with a new partner or sleeping with multiple people you should ALWAYS use a condom. To read more on condoms, you can read my Condoms and Consent article.

The Pressure on Men to Last Long in Bed

The NHS states that a man on average lasts five and a half minutes during a round of intercourse. Men watching porn can feel ashamed that they don’t last as long as male porn stars when, in reality, male porn stars often use Viagra and other treatments to stay erect for longer, and they often stop and start in between film takes.

The ‘Perfect’ Body

There’s a huge lack of diversity in mainstream porn regarding, age, hair colour, skin colour, body shapes and sizes. Regarding to Dr.Felix’s research (picture above), there is an interesting disparity in bra sizes. While the ‘blonde-hair, big-boob’ stereotype of porn actresses persists, the typical porn star is brunette and actually has the same bra size as the average woman of 20 years ago. In reality, the average bra size is a 34DD today, compared to 34B in 1992.

Porn vaginas all look like a perfect blueprint. Many female porn stars have surgery to give themselves ‘designer vaginas’ when in reality, vaginas come in all shapes and sizes, and there’s no such thing as a perfect one – plus everyone has different preferences.

If you’re sick of mainstream porn, you’re in luck because ‘feminist porn’ is now a thing. Feminist porn hires a plethora of diverse porn stars, so you can enjoy wanking over more relatable people and sex scenarios. Feminist porn creator Tristan Taormino describes to Cosmopolitan in depth, what feminist porn is and how to find it, “Feminist porn features minorities underrepresented in mainstream porn, so you may see people of different gender identities and expressions, races, body types, or abilities. Those differences will not be fetishized or stereotyped as some mainstream porn does (with race for example).” Plus, feminist porn tends to feature actual female orgasms – not faked.

GIGANTIC Phallus’s

Apparently unless you have a giant cock, a woman won’t be pleasured by you (according to porn anyway). Whether it’s really thick, really long or (mainly) both – porn stars often have a lot larger phallus than the ordinary man. This can put pressure on both women’s expectations and a mans confidence when it comes to getting down and dirty. However male porn stars are often hired for that reason – because they have a big piece. Plus, camera angles can make a penis look larger than it actually is – however this can make men think that size matters and that only big cocks can give pleasure. In real life, great sex has a lot more to do with what you do with it, rather than the size of it. It’s all about how you use it.

Muscles and lean figures feature a lot in porn, with the typical porn actor sporting the desirable inverted triangle shape – broad shoulders and a tapered waist. In reality, most men have a rectangular figure, featuring a flat torso and minor change in shape.

Both men and women should avoid comparing their bodies to a porn star’s. Like models, they are paid to look a certain way. Women may go for the god-like muscly figure in porn, but the truth is that nothing is sexier than being comfortable in your own skin.

Pubic Hair – Where Is It ??

It seems you only get the bush if you ask for it on porn, otherwise all mainstream videos are traditionally smooth bald patches. Women aren’t always shaved when it comes to sex, because sometimes sex is random, most women aren’t having sex to be performing on camera and get paid.

I can appreciate pubic hair has become unfashionable in a sense now, but it shouldn’t make someone less desired if they choose to keep it. As mentioned in my article about The Female Bush, it states that pubic lice are apparently now ‘going extinct’ due to the hefty amount of people maintaining a full Hollywood and excessively grooming downstairs. Being fully shaved is hugely influenced from the porn star aesthetic of not a speck of pube on their groin area. But most people have pubes, so where’s their representation on porn? Other than in a fetish category.

The Sexualisation of Lesbians

Lesbians have long been sexualised by society. Lesbians are women who are attracted to other women, if they fancied men they would be bisexual. So why do so many men enjoy the thought of sexually entertaining two lesbians that would be completely uninterested in them in real life? Why is there so much lesbian porn that involves men?

Unfortunately for those men, lesbians definitely don’t want or need their cock in order to have a good time. In fact, the high lesbian orgasm rates prove it. According to a study, amongst women, lesbians orgasm most when sexually intimate – with 86% reporting that they usually or always do. This is followed by bisexual women – a large drop down at 66% – and finally straight women at 65%. It seems when a man is added into the mix, the likelihood of orgasm significantly decreases for women.

Sexpectations

Sex can be clumsy, messy, slippery, awkward and even boring sometimes. Never have expectations for your first time to look like a porn scene or a sex scene off a rom-com, because it is highly unlikely that is what you’ll experience.

Fitting in with the sexpectations category is the literal sex expectations that have been created by porn – anal being a prime example. This data shows you the top ten sex acts done by women in porn vs top ten sex acts done by women in reality – and the proof is in the pudding. Women on porn do anything they’re told to do (according to the viewer) however that’s not what most women want.

Porn is a fantasy, and with fantasies, most people don’t bring it into their real life. Just because a woman on porn does double penetration doesn’t mean every woman is happy to do that. Every person is an individual, don’t let porn manipulate you into having high expectations for people’s boundaries – everything should be consensual, and talked about before if needs be. Never go into a sexual engagement with expectations, especially expectations that have been influenced from porn.

Basically, porn films are just that – films – and, just like any other film, the truth can often be sacrificed for a story line. If you take everything with a pinch of salt and instead get to know the real facts, you’ll be well on your way to a healthy, happy and fulfilling sex life. Enjoy porn for what is it – but just know that it’s not real – it’s just designed to make you think it’s real whilst you’re watching it.

The Rape Fantasy

**DISCLAIMER** Content Warning: Those who find discussions of rape and sexual assault triggering, I advise you to please not read any further.

You don’t need me to tell you that rape is a serious matter. The sad truth is one in three women has been, or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime – according to the WHO. But with discussions of it everywhere, and the sadly very present fear a lot of women (and some men) carry with them as they just try and go about their day-to-day, what about what goes on in our head?

What Is A Rape Fantasy? (Shorthand)

There’s a wide range of sexual fantasies people have, ranging from entirely unrealistic to applicable to real life, sex with a warewolf through to banging on a plane. But the fantasy of being raped, also known as nonconsent and forced sex fantasies, is common. But this common fantasy is one that few of us feel comfortable sharing. It puts people on edge and makes us feel a bit wrong. Controversial in nature — and they can include fantasies about rape or sexual violence.

And it’s incredibly important to note that while rape fantasies are common, this does not mean that women secretly wants to be raped. There is a huge difference between acted out role-play, imagined scenarios, and real-life experiences. No one asks to be raped, no one deserves to be raped, and how common forced sex fantasies are in no way justifies unwanted sexual contact of any nature.

Role-playing or acting out with a partner a rape fantasy is a BDSM practice. It involves someone taking a dominant role, and the other, the submissive role. Not all sexual fantasies involve BDSM.

The Rape Fantasy Explained

Psychologists use to believed that dreams and fantasies were subconscious wishes, therefore, women who had rape fantasies actually wanted to be coerced into sex. That view has been thoroughly debunked. Fantasies don’t necessarily reflect wishes.

For those in long-term relationships, often, one of the most common fantasies is sex with someone else – even when the daydreamer is happy in the relationship and has no real desire to jump into another bed. Fantasies are just that – a fantasy.

According to Psychology Today, todays psychologists suggest that women’s rape fantasies have three main possible explanations:

Sexual blame avoidance: This explanation recognises that womens erotic desires may trigger feelings of guilt and shame. How can a woman endure avant garde sexual fantasies without developing those feelings? By fantasising about being forced. That way women aren’t responsible for sex and need not feel distressed about it. It was forced. It wasn’t my fault.

Sexual desirability: This reflects the need to be so desired that the man quite literally can’t contain themselves. This sort of fantasy is often reflected with an attraction to the man, and once resisted at first turns into enjoyment, which real life rape definitely does not. The sexual-desirability explanation says that women have rape fantasies to bolster feelings of seductiveness and desirability. I’m so hot. I drive men crazy.

Sexual openness: This explanation says that women who enjoy sex and accept their enjoyment without anxiety, guilt, or shame feel sufficiently free to play with erotic scenarios beyond the boundaries of what they’d ever want to experience in real life. It’s fantasy. I’m free to fantasize anything.

Clinical psychologist, Dr Michael Yates explains to Metro that,

“Rape fantasies allow women to reduce distress associated with sex, as they are not responsible for what occurs, therefore have less need to feel guilt or shame about acting upon their own sexual desires or feelings. In our minds, it’s not us doing it, it’s all the other person, meaning we don’t have to feel guilty or dirty. This explains why most rape fantasies don’t tend to be extremely violent, and why the women I asked reported resisting at first before having an enjoyable experience (which real-life rape is definitely not).”

Grazia Daily speak to sex psychologist Dr Frederick Toates, who wrote How Sexual Desire Works: The Enigmatic Urge.

Grazia asked, “Are some women even turned on by rape fantasies simply because they’re not meant to have them?”

Dr. Toates answered, “What is a transgression is attractive, for men and women. People find illicit things attractive and that could be an added component in women finding rape fantasies a turn-on.”

Grazia also asked, “Is it likely that women who have rape fantasies have been assaulted or raped before?”

To which Dr. Toates states, “Sometimes if you’re in a traumatic situation you go back to recreate it, but whether women go back to re-run the situation and re-calibrate it to be desirable is yet to be reported.”

Paradoxically to what you may think, most women think that rape fantasies made them feel in control. A main thing to remember about a fantasy is that even though in the fantasy you experience a loss of control, in actual fact one is totally in control.

The Stats

A study evaluating rape fantasies containing 355 female undergraduate participants, revealed that, 52% had fantasised about being forced by a man and 17% had fantasised about being forced by a woman. 32% fantasised about being raped by a man meanwhile 9% fantasised about being raped by a woman. 28% had fantasised about forced oral from a man whilst 9% fantasised about forced oral by a woman, and 16% fantasised about forced anal and 24% fantasised about being forced while incapacitated (drunk/ under the influence).

Forced and raped weren’t explicitly explained, it was up to the participant to interpret the phrases in their own way. Hence why results for “rape” are a lot less than “forced” due to the shame that comes with confessing you’ve fantasised about something that’s so horrific. The participants were considerably more likely to fantasize being “forced” than “raped,” presumably because “rape” carries more connotations of violence and harm.

15% of the study participants reported being sexual assault survivors. The research found no correlation between real-life rape and whether participants had fantasised about rape.

Among respondents who admitted fantasies of being forced by men, 33% had them less than once a year, 26% admitted to a few times a year, 20% claimed once a month, 11% weekly, and 9% had them at least four times a week.

Among the 71 participants who reported fantasies of being forced by women, 50 said they were heterosexual. The most sexually anxious, guilty, and repressed women had the fewest rape fantasies. However, it was proven that the most sexually open and self-accepting women had the most rape fantasies. The women who considered themselves attractive also had frequent rape fantasies. This is probably to do with the desire aspect – being so attractive a man can’t control himself.

You’re Not Wrong or F*cked Up, You are NORMAL

In case you were wondering … you're normal.

You’re scared of looking different. Even worse, you worry about what would happen if you actually did get raped, and it came out that you fantasized about it on a regular basis. You can learn a lot about yourself by exploring your darkest, most taboo sexual desires. Despite what your parents taught you, it’s healthy.

Rape fantasies and role play are paragons of consent. No matter how dark or violent, they revolve around clear communication and mutual respect. People with a healthy sexuality understand how a foundation of consent supports any moment like that.

People who are open sexually fantasize about hundreds of things that they know can never happen in life. A rape fantasy can never violate your consent. When you’re inside your head, you control everything that happens.

Too often, we dismiss what we don’t understand about sex. Including our own desires and identities. Don’t be scared of what you want. Find a safe way to learn more about it. You can find dozens of communities where people embrace each other’s ‘devious’ and ‘perverted’ sexualities. No matter what you’re into, you’re not alone.

Exploring Your Fantasy

The key to enjoying rape fantasy is safety. The first thing one must do is to discuss their fantasies with their partner(s). What would you like to be done? It is completely acceptable to want some kind of physical element, i.e. hair pulling, choking, being called names. Talk it out with your partner(s) beforehand, be clear about what you are ok with and what you do not want, and establish a safe word that would indicate when the acting out of the fantasy would stop. Click on my BDSM and Safe Practice article to explore further on bringing your fantasies to life. To read more on Consent click here.

There is no bad sexual fantasy. It is only important that if a fantasy is acted out, it is fully consensual and it happens safely.

Fantasies are FANTASIES.

Why Mental Health Is A Feminist Issue | Talkspace

Men and especially women feel ashamed because they know on an intellectual level that rape is bad and should not be tolerated. They do not understand how they can find such a situation erotic.

It is completely acceptable that someone who identifies as a feminist has a rape fantasy. The fantasy does not delegitimise one’s politics. Feminism is as much about exploring and accepting oneself as it is about ending patriarchy and the discrimination that comes with it.

The fantasiser finds the man or woman raping them to be terribly attractive, and there is no disgust or repulsion in the mix. There is usually no arousal happening in real-life situations when a woman is being forced into sex, making actual rape incredibly different than what’s happening in our heads. There is an eroticism present in fantasies that simply doesn’t exist when rape happens out in the real world.

But know that if you’re having rape fantasies, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you’re not a ‘bad feminist’. and it doesn’t mean you’d actually like to be raped in real life. Fantasies are just that — fantasies.

In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. Not everyone accepts this, but as sexual openness increases, so does willingness to daydream about sexual scenarios one would never really want to experience. Women who have rape fantasies don’t want to be sexually assaulted. They feel comfortable with their own sexuality and are happy to embrace their erotic fantasies—wherever they may lead.

Shit Happens