Anal Sex: Shit… Happens

Since reaching an Instagram milestone of 200 followers (@shshithappens), the inspiration behind the name of Shit Happens shall be revealed. The name comes not only from shit happening in the bedroom, but from actual SHIT happening. SHIT… HAPPENS! And if you want to engage in anal sex, then you best get used to that thought.

The main struggle I’ve faced is the lack of consideration in my partner when it comes to anal sex, which has since put me off engaging in it again. I presume most women have experienced this? Tried it once, and thought nope. Never again. You might not have even been able to get to the stage of actually trying it, because it just hurt too much.

Treat people how you want to be treated. If you were to be penetrated in your tiny sphincter would you want them just going straight in? No, you most definitely would not. Treat your partner’s arsehole how you would want yours treated. Plenty of lube, foreplay and communication is the key to fun anal sex!

Expectations Vs Reality

Despite what you may have seen in porn or heard from your friends, anal sex isn’t something that can be done without lots of lube lube, lots of foreplay and a hefty amount of communication. PLEASE DO NOT force entry into the back passage, this not only causes a sharp stinging pain that then proceeds to hurt for ten minutes, but it can also cause tears.

This is why anal sex puts you at a higher risk of contracting HIV because of the potential for blood on blood contact. So for your own safety, and your partners, wear a condom and make sure their arsehole is ready for you! Communication is key. “Does that hurt?”/ “Does that feel good?”/ “How is it?”/ “Are you comfortable?”/ “Can I go faster?” etc…

While yes, the ol’ “sorry I slipped and almost went into the wrong hole” happens sometimes, it’s unlikely that without a fuck ton of lube, your partner won’t be able to actually penetrate you all the way in.

The rumors are true: Anal does have the possibility of getting messy. Like anything sex related, when you’re swapping bodily fluids, unwrapping condoms, using lube, there’s the potential to stain or make a mess. If you want extra peace of mind, make sure the surface you and your partner engage on is comfortable and washable.

How to Make it Easier

You can make anal sex easier for yourself by anal training or gradually introducing larger and larger toys into your anus to train your muscles to get used to the feeling of something going up there.

But like any other sex act, if things start to hurt in a way that’s no longer fun, you should stop. Pain most commonly comes from anal fissures, or little tears in the tissue around the anus, which is very thin and delicate. A good way to remedy that is using lots of lube and starting with smaller objects, rather than big ones. Anal tears should heal within a few days but may cause a bit of mild discomfort when you’re going to the toilet.

Lube, Lube, LUBE!!!

Unlike the vagina, the anus lacks lubrication. When a woman is aroused, the vagina provides its own lubricant for sex. The anus, however, does not. That means you have to provide it. Penetration without lubrication can tear the delicate tissue inside the anus, which can lead to pain and bleeding. No “Oops! It slipped!” excuses here — as that would be a major violation of trust and consent.

When it comes to anal and lube, there’s plenty of options. The best lubes for anal sex are the thicker lubricants as they don’t dry out as quick.

PSA: DO NOT USE NUMBING CREAMS!!! Sex Educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall says to Cosmopolitan that you should, “Avoid numbing creams. I know they are tempting, but pain is your body’s way of letting you know something is wrong, if your anus is numb, you can’t tell if any of your activities are causing damage. You can’t feel if you need more lube or if your body is tightening up to the penetration or impact.”

Shit Happens.. Just Make Sure You Clean It Up

Medical Director Lauren Streitcher says to Women’s Health, “This is also why anal sex can be pleasurable- it gets your pelvic floor stimulated and contracting – which in turn will get you to poop.” If there’s poop there, there’s a chance it’ll make its way out.

How do you prevent any dark messes, you may wonder? If you have one anal sex mantra, let it be, “make sure you’re not due to poo”. Sexologist Juliet Allen states that to prevent any poop disasters, avoid eating fatty and spicy foods. If it does happen, your partner must appreciate it is a possible consequence of the act, and therefore, not make you feel embarrassed. Just clean yourselves up!

How to Have ‘Clean’ Anal Sex

Anal douching isn’t just for the gays! Anybody who wants to engage in anal play, and is worried about feces, douching will give you a bit of reassurance to say the least. Douching is basically the act of flushing your rectum out with water. You can use several objects to achieve this or just use a shower head, douching apparatus are further explained here.

Whether giving or receiving, male or female, precautions still need to be taken. You are at risk of Sexual Transmitted Infections anytime you engage in skin on skin contact, so to help prevent the transmission – use condoms! To read more about Condoms and Consent read here, even if a woman is pegging a man, STD’s can be carried on sex toys too.

Even if you’re monogamous, STI’s aside, using a condom prevents bacteria from the bowls spreading anywhere else, so yeah – just use a condom. You should never use the same condom from anal to vaginal penetration for obvious reasons.. No one wants poop in their vagina!

Pegging

Pegging is a fetish that has come more to the foreground in recent years, it is where a woman penetrates a man up his anus with a strap-on. If you’re interested in this, you should always engage in anal foreplay before you go in balls deep. Try having your partner rim you, and using a finger or two before using plenty of lube on you, and on the toy to assure the lubrication is there to insert the dildo – just as you would when preparing a woman for anal sex.

The thing with anal sex is people (mainly heterosexual men) think they can just go straight in. Urm, no? Just like pegging, it needs to be prepared. Just because it’s a woman’s arsehole doesn’t mean it’s any different to a man’s, in the way it functions. For pleasurable anal sex, a lot of lube and a lot of foreplay and patience is needed. If you don’t want to do any of that, then you’re not going to end up having anal sex.

If you’re thinking of trying anal sex for the first time, or trying it out again, Cosmopolitan have written a useful article on 15 Anal Sex Positions That Will Reinvent Going Back There. Be patient, be kind, and – mess aside – have fun!

Ropeplay and Bondage

What Is It?

Bondage is a part of the BDSM subculture, it is a fetish that has been interpreted in many ways all over the world and is a fun intro to kink. You can start by tying one person’s wrists together during foreplay and/or intercourse (and reverse it if you like). If you enjoy being restrained then progress on to more restrictive ties like a hog tie. Just have fun with it, and if you aren’t … then stop! P.s. This article won’t be covering self-bondage or suspension; as those will be separate articles.

Bondage is the practice of consensually physically, restraining, tying, or binding a partner for erotic or aesthetic pleasure. There have been many interpretations of bondage using a variety of different restraints such as, chains, rope, bandage, tape and cuffs (whether metal, leather, hand, or thumb). Shibari is a popular, more complicated form of rope-tying that originates from Japan, so if you want to get more creative you could always try Shibari Bondage.

Bondage is used to heighten sexual pleasure for both participants, the one tied is the submissive and the other is the dominant. Bondage can be pleasurable for both participants in various ways. The dominant will receive a sense of power over the submissive as they are restrained and they will therefore feel in full control. The submissive will get pleasure from the eviction of power and letting someone else take control, but for both the whole experience of tying someone up – and being tied up – can be very exciting and arousing.

Choose Your Weapon

You can purchase bondage rope which won’t cause any damage or burns to the skin, but there’s a range of different ropes you can use. Multi-filament, nylon, and hemp are common materials for rope. However, natural materials usually need some conditioning before use. Make sure the rope doesn’t have the potential to splinter, stretch or shrink.

Fetish and the Boundaries

Though increasingly common, BDSM is a fetish, therefore it isn’t for everyone. If your partner is interested in BDSM and wants to start doing it with you, and you don’t want to do it – you don’t have to. Consent also applies in this situation, if you feel uncomfortable doing it and your partner knows that, then you shouldn’t be forced to go through with it.

There are thousands of fetishes out there to be discovered, but some people just aren’t into kink, that’s ok, and you must respect that. However, most partners will want to please their other and try out new things, and that’s great! As long as both parties involved are happy to go ahead with the play, then that is fine.

Why Do People Enjoy it?

In an experience listed on Psychology Today, they say, “Some people have to be tied up to be free.” Sexual fetishes are often more than not, linked to an individual’s childhood and past experiences, and their personality. Frequently people of authoritarian figures, those with a lot of responsibility (in life and work), and the seemingly ‘alpha’ characters are submissive in the bedroom.

This is because when they are tied up, unable to move, they’re trusting someone else to take control for a change and are alleviated of all life’s stresses, whilst they’re there in that moment. The essential component is not the pain or bondage itself, but rather the knowledge that one person has complete control over the other, deciding what that person will hear, do, taste, touch, smell and feel.

Don’t get misconstrued though, there are a lot of people who are both domineering and controlling in both their actual life and in the bedroom. The dominant partner enjoys the power play because they feel in full control having someone submit to their every want and command.

Neurologist, Sigmund Freud believes that the desire to submit, arises from guilt feelings over the desire to dominate.

How To Do It Safely

When practicing BDSM it is always advised to have a ‘safe word’. A safe word is a word that when either participant says it, you know to stop whatever it is you’re doing – immediately. Therefore, even if you’re just experimenting with rope/bondage – make sure you have a safe word, as this allows play to stop straight away. Should you have been harmed in any way, or you’re just not feeling it anymore, then you have that comfort of mind to be able to stop the situation and get out of the ropes at any time.

Bondage is safer when conducted between sober, trusted partners who are fully aware of the risks involved and the precautions necessary to ensure safety, such as informed consent. DO NOT leave a bound person alone and always try to regularly ask your partner if they are ok throughout the practice.

Cosmopolitan has written a great article on rope bondage sex positions with visuals, to spur your imagination more when it comes to your rope-tying creativity. If you want to try some bondage, go ahead! But do it safely, and make sure your partner is ok with it too. Have fun!

If you have any questions or queries, or would like to get in touch with Shit Happens, don’t hesitate to e-mail us at shithappenstothebestofus@gmail.com

Condoms and Consent

What is Consent?

We like to think that sex and consent go hand in hand, but it just isn’t as black and white as that. I’m sure we all wish it was. Consent can seem like an incredibly grey area, and those who have casual partners will probably have experienced consent less than those in committed relationships. Consent isn’t just “no means no”. Ok? There is a big difference between consensual sex and rape. Consent is defined by Section 74 Sexual Offences Act 2003.

Someone consents to vaginal, anal or oral penetration only if s/he agrees by choice to that penetration and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.
Consent to sexual activity may be given to one sort of sexual activity but not another, e.g. to vaginal but not anal sex. Or with conditions, such as wearing a condom.
Consent can be withdrawn at any time during sexual activity, and each time activity occurs.

When Else Can’t Somebody Consent?

Evidence that by reason of drink, drugs, sleep, age or mental disability the complainant was unaware of what was occurring and/ or incapable of giving valid consent; or
Evidence that the complainant was deceived as to the identity of the person with whom (s)he had intercourse.
If there’s an assertion of force or threats.
A boy or girl under the age of 16 cannot consent in UK law.

We’ve All Been There – and if Not – We Know Somebody That Has

In my own experiences that I reflect back on, there’s been some questionable circumstances to which acts have happened. For example, agreeing to have sex with someone if they wear a condom and then them just putting their penis inside you without one on. Not only is the risk of pregnancy now available, but the risk of catching STD’s is too.

Just like this coronavirus, those with a virus can carry it without symptoms, and therefore unknowingly pass it on to somebody else. Condoms don’t protect you 100% from STD’s and pregnancy but it does decrease your risk by a sufficient amount.

When you’re ‘in the mood’, you can sometimes get a little bit carried away with what’s happening but unless you ask for consent/ or consent to unprotected sex – you should not be having it. I haven’t been on contraception for nearly four years on the principle that I don’t like the idea of pumping hormones into my body, or messing with my fertility.

Now lots of women all over the world DON’T take birth control for various reasons, so to prevent any unwarranted mini versions of yourself running around, you should always wear a condom as a double precaution. The condom side of sex is on both individuals, as it takes two to tango, however using the ‘I don’t have a condom’ or ‘I don’t like the feel of condoms’ excuse to have unprotected sex is getting old and frankly quite boring.

On the other hand, if you both distinguish neither of you has a condom and you both still want to go ahead – that is fine. There’s still a risk of STD’s and pregnancy, however a risk you have both agreed to nonetheless. But can men just STOP SLIDING IT IN?! There’s no going back once it’s already in, the damage has already been done, and you feel humiliated asking him to put a condom on once he’s already put it in without. Right?

Consent can come in many forms, as long as both partners know what they’re consenting to, then the act can go ahead. If you’ve agreed to have sex under the conditions of wearing a condom and you dismiss that, and go in dry, that is actually classed as sexual assault and so is removing a condom during intercourse.

Non-consensual condom removal, or ‘stealthing’, is the practice of a man covertly removing or damaging a condom during sexual intercourse, when his sex partner has only consented to condom-protected sex. Such behaviour may be regarded as sexual assault or rape and it is classed as a form of reproductive coercion.

There’s so many things that are actually classed as sexual assault and/or rape, but we don’t want to say the word, so we avoid it and pretend like it’s no big deal. Drunk sex is a big one. We’ve all done it, if not yourself, I bet you know somebody that has been under the influence and has a rapey sex story. Right?

If someone has been sick, can’t talk, or can’t move, you having sex with them is rape. They don’t have any power as to what is going on around them, and you taking advantage of their unconscious state is the actions of those of a sexual predator who deserves to be locked away.

Condoms are Sexy!

It’s sexy when a man gets a condom out because you instantly know he looks after his sexual health or it at least gives you some reassurance that at he is weary of it. Plus it’s a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, because now you don’t have to find the right time to say it, and instigate the use of a condom. Pressuring people to go unprotected is not ok under any circumstances – that too is sexual assault. No excuses. No condom? No sex.

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Sex is sex. As long as both parties consent, it’s going to be great with or without a condom. Considering the risks involved – just wear a condom – it saves all kinds of stress!

For a list of rape/sexual abuse & assault helplines available, head over to this link on ITV.