EXPLAINED: The Spit Fetish

After reading through various disturbing articles about men with a saliva fetish requesting women on the street spit in jars, filming it, and later swallowing it and then (sometimes) getting arrested – I came to the realisation that the spit fetish is a lot different to a saliva fetish. The spit fetish is all about the dominant and submissive role partaken in BDSM whereas the saliva fetish is more about the messy and wet side of things I guess? Those sort of instances would be classed as more of a paraphilia, as the women getting involved don’t benefit off – consensually or non-consensually – doing the act. Defined by Encyclopedia, “Paraphilias are no longer understood as dysfunctional deviations from the normal, as the sexual perversions once were, but are now defined as behaviors centered on sexual arousal with objects or situations where affection may not be reciprocal or returned.” A saliva paraphilia is called Salirophilia.

The Spit? FetISH?! Is what you’re probably thinking right now. Yes, the spit fetish. It’s a part of the BDSM spectrum, branching off as one of the many fetishes amongst it. BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. But you may like spit more than you think, like everything on the BDSM spectrum – it has levels. Do you use a bit of spit to help lubrication with masturbation? Or to make the blowjob that bit more slippery? Then you probably have a bit of a spit fetish.

What Is a Spit Fetish?

What is a spit fetish? – When a person gets aroused by being spit on or spitting on someone else. The person spitting is usually the dominant and the person being spat on, the submissive.

Is a spit fetish the same as a saliva fetish? – No, although both are based on the same subject, a saliva fetishist gets off on the feel, look and sensation of the saliva on their skin. Someone with a spit fetish likes the humiliation aspect of being spit on or being the person doing the spitting.

Why Do People Like Involving Spit During Play?

The act of being spat in your mouth, or being spat on your face/ body is similar to the feeling of cum in a sense, which could also be another reason why someone desires to be spat on during intercourse.

As for the person doing the spitting, it can be a dominant thing – the commonly “you’re below me” attitude that is associated with spitting – a degradation and humiliation aspect. Also, the appearance of the spit crossed with make-up, making someone look a hot mess. Again, that’s a dominant thing. In addition, if the partner is tied up, with spit on their face falling down and they’re unable to do anything about it, it could also be a huge turn on because they are essentially solely relying on you and trusting you and devoting themselves regardless of what unnecessary disturbances may come in the way – like spit falling off your eyelash making you partially blind as you’re getting fucked, but it’s all good!

But jokes aside – don’t get spit in your partners eye as it will sting, go bloodshot, and could create room for infection. So… avoid the eyes!

Some History

The Urantia Book claims that (historically) saliva was a potent fetish. Apparently, “devils could be driven out by spitting on a person” and “for an elder or superior to spit on one was the highest compliment”. Furthermore, it could perhaps be argued that saliva plays a (direct or indirect) role in a lot sexual behaviour that raises the question of how “deviant” saliva fetishes actually are.

The Difference Between the Saliva & Spit Fetish

Many different bodily substances have formed the basis of paraphilic and/or fetishistic behaviour including urine (urophilia), faeces (coprophilia), blood (menophilia and clinical vampirism), and breast milk (lactophilia). However, one bodily fluid that has not really been the subject of scientific research is saliva in relation to saliva fetishes and spit fetishes. And there is actually a difference between the two.

The saliva fetishists don’t really appear to share much in common with spit fetishists, as that appears to be more a part of sadomasochistic sexual activity.

Those with a saliva fetish are turned on by qualities in the spit—it’s lubricating silkiness, its wetness, its scent, or whose mouth it comes from. They like to rub their hands, face, mouth, and genitals in the substance for the tactile sensations and the essence of the saliva donor.

Those with a spit fetish on the other hand have a different reason—they want to be spit on to be degraded or humiliated by the object of their affection. It’s still about receiving the essence, but the trigger of arousal is in the act of humiliation, not in the warm slimy feeling of the spit itself. This is often called spitting domination.

The Link to BDSM

If you have a desire to be spat on, this is usually associated with you seeking domination from the spitter/ having the need to be sexually humiliated – making the person being spat on, the submissive.

Most of the online literature focused on spitting fetishes (as opposed to saliva fetishes) appears to be rooted in BDSM and is usually referred to as ‘spitting domination’. The dominant partner may spit onto their submissive partner’s face and/or mouth.

If your kink involves aspects of humiliation and degradation, spitting can be the perfect addition to that kind of dynamic. There’s something about being spat on that really enhances the feelings of submission for a lot of people.

Many of the online articles about spitting fetishes see parallels between the act of spitting and the act of ejaculation – particularly in relation to ‘facials’ (i.e. the act of men ejaculating onto someone’s face) and the practice of bukkake (i.e. the act of several/many men simultaneously ejaculating onto someone’s face and/or body).

Compared to all other paraphilic and fetishistic behaviours concerning sexual arousal to human bodily fluids, there is significantly less written about saliva and spitting fetishes. Whether academic and/or clinical research is needed is – at present – debatable.

It’s also extremely important to negotiate this with a partner before you begin – like anything – as many people really won’t enjoy this kind of play. There is an obvious distinction between a spitting and saliva fetish which I hope has now been more brought to light. Spitting is related to BDSM and saliva is the context within the feel, texture and outright appearance of the saliva itself on your lovers body. Have fun, be consensual and play dirty and safe.

The Rape Fantasy

**DISCLAIMER** Content Warning: Those who find discussions of rape and sexual assault triggering, I advise you to please not read any further.

You don’t need me to tell you that rape is a serious matter. The sad truth is one in three women has been, or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime – according to the WHO. But with discussions of it everywhere, and the sadly very present fear a lot of women (and some men) carry with them as they just try and go about their day-to-day, what about what goes on in our head?

What Is A Rape Fantasy? (Shorthand)

There’s a wide range of sexual fantasies people have, ranging from entirely unrealistic to applicable to real life, sex with a warewolf through to banging on a plane. But the fantasy of being raped, also known as nonconsent and forced sex fantasies, is common. But this common fantasy is one that few of us feel comfortable sharing. It puts people on edge and makes us feel a bit wrong. Controversial in nature — and they can include fantasies about rape or sexual violence.

And it’s incredibly important to note that while rape fantasies are common, this does not mean that women secretly wants to be raped. There is a huge difference between acted out role-play, imagined scenarios, and real-life experiences. No one asks to be raped, no one deserves to be raped, and how common forced sex fantasies are in no way justifies unwanted sexual contact of any nature.

Role-playing or acting out with a partner a rape fantasy is a BDSM practice. It involves someone taking a dominant role, and the other, the submissive role. Not all sexual fantasies involve BDSM.

The Rape Fantasy Explained

Psychologists use to believed that dreams and fantasies were subconscious wishes, therefore, women who had rape fantasies actually wanted to be coerced into sex. That view has been thoroughly debunked. Fantasies don’t necessarily reflect wishes.

For those in long-term relationships, often, one of the most common fantasies is sex with someone else – even when the daydreamer is happy in the relationship and has no real desire to jump into another bed. Fantasies are just that – a fantasy.

According to Psychology Today, todays psychologists suggest that women’s rape fantasies have three main possible explanations:

Sexual blame avoidance: This explanation recognises that womens erotic desires may trigger feelings of guilt and shame. How can a woman endure avant garde sexual fantasies without developing those feelings? By fantasising about being forced. That way women aren’t responsible for sex and need not feel distressed about it. It was forced. It wasn’t my fault.

Sexual desirability: This reflects the need to be so desired that the man quite literally can’t contain themselves. This sort of fantasy is often reflected with an attraction to the man, and once resisted at first turns into enjoyment, which real life rape definitely does not. The sexual-desirability explanation says that women have rape fantasies to bolster feelings of seductiveness and desirability. I’m so hot. I drive men crazy.

Sexual openness: This explanation says that women who enjoy sex and accept their enjoyment without anxiety, guilt, or shame feel sufficiently free to play with erotic scenarios beyond the boundaries of what they’d ever want to experience in real life. It’s fantasy. I’m free to fantasize anything.

Clinical psychologist, Dr Michael Yates explains to Metro that,

“Rape fantasies allow women to reduce distress associated with sex, as they are not responsible for what occurs, therefore have less need to feel guilt or shame about acting upon their own sexual desires or feelings. In our minds, it’s not us doing it, it’s all the other person, meaning we don’t have to feel guilty or dirty. This explains why most rape fantasies don’t tend to be extremely violent, and why the women I asked reported resisting at first before having an enjoyable experience (which real-life rape is definitely not).”

Grazia Daily speak to sex psychologist Dr Frederick Toates, who wrote How Sexual Desire Works: The Enigmatic Urge.

Grazia asked, “Are some women even turned on by rape fantasies simply because they’re not meant to have them?”

Dr. Toates answered, “What is a transgression is attractive, for men and women. People find illicit things attractive and that could be an added component in women finding rape fantasies a turn-on.”

Grazia also asked, “Is it likely that women who have rape fantasies have been assaulted or raped before?”

To which Dr. Toates states, “Sometimes if you’re in a traumatic situation you go back to recreate it, but whether women go back to re-run the situation and re-calibrate it to be desirable is yet to be reported.”

Paradoxically to what you may think, most women think that rape fantasies made them feel in control. A main thing to remember about a fantasy is that even though in the fantasy you experience a loss of control, in actual fact one is totally in control.

The Stats

A study evaluating rape fantasies containing 355 female undergraduate participants, revealed that, 52% had fantasised about being forced by a man and 17% had fantasised about being forced by a woman. 32% fantasised about being raped by a man meanwhile 9% fantasised about being raped by a woman. 28% had fantasised about forced oral from a man whilst 9% fantasised about forced oral by a woman, and 16% fantasised about forced anal and 24% fantasised about being forced while incapacitated (drunk/ under the influence).

Forced and raped weren’t explicitly explained, it was up to the participant to interpret the phrases in their own way. Hence why results for “rape” are a lot less than “forced” due to the shame that comes with confessing you’ve fantasised about something that’s so horrific. The participants were considerably more likely to fantasize being “forced” than “raped,” presumably because “rape” carries more connotations of violence and harm.

15% of the study participants reported being sexual assault survivors. The research found no correlation between real-life rape and whether participants had fantasised about rape.

Among respondents who admitted fantasies of being forced by men, 33% had them less than once a year, 26% admitted to a few times a year, 20% claimed once a month, 11% weekly, and 9% had them at least four times a week.

Among the 71 participants who reported fantasies of being forced by women, 50 said they were heterosexual. The most sexually anxious, guilty, and repressed women had the fewest rape fantasies. However, it was proven that the most sexually open and self-accepting women had the most rape fantasies. The women who considered themselves attractive also had frequent rape fantasies. This is probably to do with the desire aspect – being so attractive a man can’t control himself.

You’re Not Wrong or F*cked Up, You are NORMAL

In case you were wondering … you're normal.

You’re scared of looking different. Even worse, you worry about what would happen if you actually did get raped, and it came out that you fantasized about it on a regular basis. You can learn a lot about yourself by exploring your darkest, most taboo sexual desires. Despite what your parents taught you, it’s healthy.

Rape fantasies and role play are paragons of consent. No matter how dark or violent, they revolve around clear communication and mutual respect. People with a healthy sexuality understand how a foundation of consent supports any moment like that.

People who are open sexually fantasize about hundreds of things that they know can never happen in life. A rape fantasy can never violate your consent. When you’re inside your head, you control everything that happens.

Too often, we dismiss what we don’t understand about sex. Including our own desires and identities. Don’t be scared of what you want. Find a safe way to learn more about it. You can find dozens of communities where people embrace each other’s ‘devious’ and ‘perverted’ sexualities. No matter what you’re into, you’re not alone.

Exploring Your Fantasy

The key to enjoying rape fantasy is safety. The first thing one must do is to discuss their fantasies with their partner(s). What would you like to be done? It is completely acceptable to want some kind of physical element, i.e. hair pulling, choking, being called names. Talk it out with your partner(s) beforehand, be clear about what you are ok with and what you do not want, and establish a safe word that would indicate when the acting out of the fantasy would stop. Click on my BDSM and Safe Practice article to explore further on bringing your fantasies to life. To read more on Consent click here.

There is no bad sexual fantasy. It is only important that if a fantasy is acted out, it is fully consensual and it happens safely.

Fantasies are FANTASIES.

Why Mental Health Is A Feminist Issue | Talkspace

Men and especially women feel ashamed because they know on an intellectual level that rape is bad and should not be tolerated. They do not understand how they can find such a situation erotic.

It is completely acceptable that someone who identifies as a feminist has a rape fantasy. The fantasy does not delegitimise one’s politics. Feminism is as much about exploring and accepting oneself as it is about ending patriarchy and the discrimination that comes with it.

The fantasiser finds the man or woman raping them to be terribly attractive, and there is no disgust or repulsion in the mix. There is usually no arousal happening in real-life situations when a woman is being forced into sex, making actual rape incredibly different than what’s happening in our heads. There is an eroticism present in fantasies that simply doesn’t exist when rape happens out in the real world.

But know that if you’re having rape fantasies, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you’re not a ‘bad feminist’. and it doesn’t mean you’d actually like to be raped in real life. Fantasies are just that — fantasies.

In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. Not everyone accepts this, but as sexual openness increases, so does willingness to daydream about sexual scenarios one would never really want to experience. Women who have rape fantasies don’t want to be sexually assaulted. They feel comfortable with their own sexuality and are happy to embrace their erotic fantasies—wherever they may lead.

Ropeplay and Bondage

What Is It?

Bondage is a part of the BDSM subculture, it is a fetish that has been interpreted in many ways all over the world and is a fun intro to kink. You can start by tying one person’s wrists together during foreplay and/or intercourse (and reverse it if you like). If you enjoy being restrained then progress on to more restrictive ties like a hog tie. Just have fun with it, and if you aren’t … then stop! P.s. This article won’t be covering self-bondage or suspension; as those will be separate articles.

Bondage is the practice of consensually physically, restraining, tying, or binding a partner for erotic or aesthetic pleasure. There have been many interpretations of bondage using a variety of different restraints such as, chains, rope, bandage, tape and cuffs (whether metal, leather, hand, or thumb). Shibari is a popular, more complicated form of rope-tying that originates from Japan, so if you want to get more creative you could always try Shibari Bondage.

Bondage is used to heighten sexual pleasure for both participants, the one tied is the submissive and the other is the dominant. Bondage can be pleasurable for both participants in various ways. The dominant will receive a sense of power over the submissive as they are restrained and they will therefore feel in full control. The submissive will get pleasure from the eviction of power and letting someone else take control, but for both the whole experience of tying someone up – and being tied up – can be very exciting and arousing.

Choose Your Weapon

You can purchase bondage rope which won’t cause any damage or burns to the skin, but there’s a range of different ropes you can use. Multi-filament, nylon, and hemp are common materials for rope. However, natural materials usually need some conditioning before use. Make sure the rope doesn’t have the potential to splinter, stretch or shrink.

Fetish and the Boundaries

Though increasingly common, BDSM is a fetish, therefore it isn’t for everyone. If your partner is interested in BDSM and wants to start doing it with you, and you don’t want to do it – you don’t have to. Consent also applies in this situation, if you feel uncomfortable doing it and your partner knows that, then you shouldn’t be forced to go through with it.

There are thousands of fetishes out there to be discovered, but some people just aren’t into kink, that’s ok, and you must respect that. However, most partners will want to please their other and try out new things, and that’s great! As long as both parties involved are happy to go ahead with the play, then that is fine.

Why Do People Enjoy it?

In an experience listed on Psychology Today, they say, “Some people have to be tied up to be free.” Sexual fetishes are often more than not, linked to an individual’s childhood and past experiences, and their personality. Frequently people of authoritarian figures, those with a lot of responsibility (in life and work), and the seemingly ‘alpha’ characters are submissive in the bedroom.

This is because when they are tied up, unable to move, they’re trusting someone else to take control for a change and are alleviated of all life’s stresses, whilst they’re there in that moment. The essential component is not the pain or bondage itself, but rather the knowledge that one person has complete control over the other, deciding what that person will hear, do, taste, touch, smell and feel.

Don’t get misconstrued though, there are a lot of people who are both domineering and controlling in both their actual life and in the bedroom. The dominant partner enjoys the power play because they feel in full control having someone submit to their every want and command.

Neurologist, Sigmund Freud believes that the desire to submit, arises from guilt feelings over the desire to dominate.

How To Do It Safely

When practicing BDSM it is always advised to have a ‘safe word’. A safe word is a word that when either participant says it, you know to stop whatever it is you’re doing – immediately. Therefore, even if you’re just experimenting with rope/bondage – make sure you have a safe word, as this allows play to stop straight away. Should you have been harmed in any way, or you’re just not feeling it anymore, then you have that comfort of mind to be able to stop the situation and get out of the ropes at any time.

Bondage is safer when conducted between sober, trusted partners who are fully aware of the risks involved and the precautions necessary to ensure safety, such as informed consent. DO NOT leave a bound person alone and always try to regularly ask your partner if they are ok throughout the practice.

Cosmopolitan has written a great article on rope bondage sex positions with visuals, to spur your imagination more when it comes to your rope-tying creativity. If you want to try some bondage, go ahead! But do it safely, and make sure your partner is ok with it too. Have fun!

If you have any questions or queries, or would like to get in touch with Shit Happens, don’t hesitate to e-mail us at shithappenstothebestofus@gmail.com

BDSM & Safe Practice

BDSM – What is it?

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. BDSM is an umbrella term for any kinky play that involves a consensual power exchange.

The larger the kink community gets, the more it must spread awareness of safe practice – especially in the BDSM community. The BDSM community is all about trust, your partner respecting your limits and of course pleasure and pain.

Therefore, doing my bit in spreading awareness, this article will cover – safe choking, spanking, aftercare, and safe words.

Through common misconception, being a submissive (sub) is not to be feared. Yes you are vulnerable, that’s the whole point of it, but when it comes down to it – the submissive is more in control of the whole situation than the dominant (dom) is.

Pretty much everything is on the submissive’s call. It’s now hurting and you want to stop doing that? It stops.

Erotic Asphyxiation : Choke Safe!

The feel of a hand caressing your neck and then having it pinning you down with pressure applied can be incredibly tantalizing for some people. Or even choking yourself out – whatever you’re in to! However, not many things come without complications…

When being with new partners who haven’t explored the BDSM avenue, choking can sometimes be a bit of a … problem. Tip Number One – Squeeze from the sides, and do not, I repeat, DO NOT squeeze on to the throat and crush your partners windpipe!

Tip Number Two – if they pass out, don’t panic! They’re not dead, just to try NOT to continue choking them or else then you might have a murder on your hands.

The reason for choking being a turn on is because the oxygen to your brain is getting restricted, making you go lightheaded. However, when the pressure is lifted the blood and oxygen begin to flow again due to a release of hormones and endorphins such as serotonin and dopamine. Which creates a sort of high.

According to Healthline.com, in the immediate aftermath of choking your body confuses the rush of endorphins and hormones as a positive, pleasurable thing. When actually the hormones were caused by your body’s protective reaction.

Instead of feeling as though warning signals are being sent to your brain and body because you’re in ‘danger’, it conflicts the feeling with pleasure. Which is why some people enjoy it so much – both men and women.

TIP : A bag over the head can also enhance the sensation received through being choked.

So… Choke safe!

Spanking and Aftercare

Spanking can be pleasurable for many reasons, powerplay, roleplay, or the pleasure derived from a touch of pain. However if you’re planning on incorporating this newly into your sex life, discover your limits and find your feet before you dive in to the deep end.

Start off with a hand, then maybe move forward to a crop, and experiment from their onwards, onto paddles, floggers, whips etc…

A big part of safe practice is aftercare which is heavily focused on within the BDSM community – due to the nature of the kink. It is always good to check on your partners mental and physical well being after engaging in some power exchange kink scene.

A certified sex coach and sexologist Gigi Engle says in an article for Mens Health that, “Aftercare is great in all sexual experiences because it takes a person’s emotional well-being into consideration.”

Aftercare isn’t just emotional support, but physical too. Tend to your partner’s bruises, rub some cream on them and give them a massage etc…

However, it is imperative that after a BDSM scene you talk about what happened and that you were ok with what went on, and that emotionally you’re comforted. That is a key part of BDSM aftercare and BDSM as a whole. Fully consensual sex.

Safe Words. What are They? How Do I Use Them?

First off – Know your limits!

To help you do this, safe words exist. Now a safe word can be anything, as long as both you and your partner know that it is your safe word. It ensures safe roleplay and that you’re both on the same page.

For example, your partner could be trying to tease you by telling you to STOP – and with a safe word, you know it’s safe for you to carry on kinking until the mutually agreed safe word is said.

It’s important to know both your own and your partners limits in the bedroom, we don’t want anyone taking more than they’re prepared to handle. Safe words aren’t necessarily for everyone as some people might have a trustworthy partner who’s respectful towards their limits.

For instance, a safe word may not necessarily be needed because a simple, change of character can call it off in some instances.

However, if you’re new to the whole BDSM scene , or if you’re having sex with a new partner – then a safe word is definitely a good option. A safe word just lets your partner know that you want to stop whatever it is that you’re doing – it can literally be ANYTHING.

Stay Kinky and Stay Safe!

Get Involved

If you would like to share one of your sex stories that you deem to be ’embarrassing’ or ‘cringey’ or even if you have any questions, send them over to shithappenstothebestofus@gmail.com and let’s change that! Shit Happens is a completely #JudgementFreeZone and I need YOUR stories!

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