The ick. We have all had it and we have probably all given it to someone somewhere too. The icks can be minor or major and can often appear a mean judgment to those who don’t understand. The ick is something you can’t unsee, a siren you wish you never saw.
Let’s talk about the ick.
What is “The Ick”?
For those who haven’t heard of the infamous phrase “the ick” – in shorthand – it is where someone does or says something that makes your attraction to that person flip into a feeling of disgust or embarrassment, something that puts you off them.
For example, an ick could be an opinion that a lot of people would agree with, like the fact your partner doesn’t clip their toenails, or it could be something more pedantic that only you find to be an ick, like when someone is doing something completely human (that most wouldn’t see as an “ick”) such as waving at people or the way they walk.
How Do You Give “The Ick”?
The term is commonly used to attack someone’s behaviour, mannerisms, or appearance; it is usually an attack on something you either can’t control or something you are completely unaware of. However the ick is nothing to fear, there are always going to be attributes people like about you and there is always going to be attributes that people dislike about you – it is human nature. Fear not if you give someone the ick, fear only if you are giving everybody the ick.
How Do You Get “The Ick”?
At the end of the day it is ultimately up to you to decide if the ick is a red flag or is worth jeopardising your relationship for. Usually, icks are incredibly minor to everybody else but a much bigger issue to the person who has the ick, and if you have it you need to weigh up whether you can put up with it or not. Like mentioned formerly, there’s always going to be things that people like and dislike and you have to weigh up whether the things you like outweigh the qualities you dislike in order to continue the relationship.
Why Do People Find Icks Funny?
Finding out something you do is an ick can be hard to take for some people, and even more so when people are laughing about it, but icks are funny because they are relatable. That is why the term is being used all over Instagram and Tik Tok, because we have all experienced that feeling.
For example, if someone comes to you talking about a date that didn’t go well because of a certain ick and your friend jumps in and says they share the same ick, you both share that commonality of the same ick and can totally understand where one another are coming from whereas others may see it as a harsh/ mean judgement. The ick is a feeling, a feeling of second-hand embarrassment, a feeling of cringe that makes you question everything you once thought about that person, and it can come from the most randomest of places.
Should I Give a Fu*k?
The bottom line is no, not really. If something you do bothers someone else, that is their problem to deal with. What may give one person the ick may be the reason for another person falling in love with you. Stay true to you.
Examples of “The Ick”
So you can get more of an idea as to what some people consider a personal ick of theirs, some great examples sent in were:
“When boys follow too many girls on Instagram.”
“When their hair has blown up in the wind.”
“Ugly shoes. Just casually wearing hiking shoes or ballet pumps is just.. No, soz.”
“Treating hospitality staff like shit. You can be a 10 but quickly turn to a 1.”
“Telling me to take my heels off because I am taller than them.”
STI’s – no one wants to talk about them. The stigma surrounding STI’s is still very prevalent in today’s society as it’s often the punchline to a cheap joke or used as to insult someone who has multiple partners – but the truth of the matter is – ANYONE who is sexually active can get an STI. Even if you wear condoms. Even if everyone you’ve slept with is ‘clean’. The association with being ‘dirty’ and having an STI needs to prevail if we want people to talk about it more and prevent the spread of STI’s as a whole. Being open about these things is a method of prevention also. Talking about your sexual health status, when you last got checked, and if you have got an STI – telling your partners to go and get tested and sort themselves out too. Not talking about STI’s just makes the matter worse. Plus, some STI’s can have major side effects such as infertility (chlamydia) if not treated. The STI Guide: Everything You Need to Know.
What are STI’s?
STI stands for Sexually Transmitted Infection. When speaking of sexual health, Healthline state, “Infections occur when pathogens like viruses, bacteria, or parasites enter your body and start to multiply. How they get into your body depends on the type of pathogen. Some get in through skin-to-skin contact with a person who has an infection; others are transmitted through an exchange of bodily fluids, like semen, vaginal secretions, or blood. Infection progresses to disease when these pathogens cause damage to your cells, and signs and symptoms appear.”
STIs are contracted in more ways than you probably realise. Penis-in-vagina and penis-in-anus aren’t the only way – oral, hands, and even dry humping and clothes can transmit STIs. Some are spread through contact with bodily fluids and some through skin-to-skin contact, whether there are visible signs of an infection or not. Anyone who’s sexually active should know what symptoms to watch out for. If you’re worried you have got an STI, go for a check-up at a sexual health clinic as soon as you can.
The Difference Between STI and STD
You may have heard of STD as well as STI which means Sexually Transmitted Disease – the two are often used interchangeably – however, there’s a difference between an infection and a disease. A sexually transmitted disease can come from an infection; when the infection has festered and obvious symptoms have appeared it then becomes a disease.
Therefore, STI is often the correct term to use when referring to most of the medical conditions as oppose to STD. For example: chlamydia and syphilis – the two most common – are asymptomatic. Some STIs never develop into STDs. Take HPV, for example. HPV usually clears up on its own without causing any health problems. In these cases, HPV is an STI. If the infection doesn’t clear on its own, it can cause genital warts or certain cancers. This then makes it a disease.
What to Look Out For
Usually anything different from the norm that involves your bits downstairs can cause a fair reason for concern, but sometimes it’s absolutely nothing to worry about. The only way to find out is to go to a clinic and let them have a look. Signs/symptoms you may have an STI can include the following:
Bumps, sores, or rashes in or around the genitals, anus, buttocks, or thighs
Changes in the colour, amount, or smell of vaginal discharge
Unusual vaginal bleeding or spotting between periods or after sex
Painful or burning urination
Pain during vaginal or anal penetration
Painful or swollen testicles
Tingling or itching around the genitals
Swollen and painful lymph nodes, especially in the groin and neck
When to Get Tested
Get tested before and after you have unprotected sex. That way you can have peace of mind knowing your sexual health status at the time was all negative. If you’re having unprotected sex with multiple partners I’d advise getting tested every time you change partner. If you’re going to have unprotected sex with someone – try to keep it monogmous. It just makes things less complicated. Other times when you should get tested include:
-Have had sex without a barrier method, like a condom -Have had or are planning to have sex with a new partner -Have multiple sexual partners -Are worried you may have been exposed to an STI -Are pregnant -Share injection drug equipment
But don’t jump straight from the bed to the screening clinic, because getting tested too soon won’t tell you whether you were exposed to an STI from your most recent sexual encounter.
How to Protect Yourself From STI’s
STIs ARE preventable. There are steps you can take to keep yourself and your partner(s) healthy. The main thing any of us know about protecting ourselves against STI’s is to WEAR A CONDOM. However, some STI’s like genital warts, genital herpes, syphilis, scabies and crabs – can still be passed on even if you’re having ‘protected’ sex. Practice abstinence. The surest way to avoid STDs is to not have sex. The best way to not get an STI is to be completely monogamous or to not have sex at all. Condoms reduce your overall risk of getting an STI so even though they aren’t 100% they’re better than nothing at all. USE CONDOMS!
How to Tell Your Partner/s You’ve Given Them an STI
Breathe and repeat after me: It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Whether it’s cleared by a run of antibiotics or hanging around for the long haul – it makes no difference. The clinics in the UK offer to text your partner notifying them to get tested if you would rather that – than to text them yourself – however it’s often better than not to just tell them yourself. These conversations aren’t fun, but they help break the chain of infection.
A talk about testing and status can help prevent the future spread of STIs and lead to earlier detection and treatment, which can help avoid complications. This is especially important with many STIs often being asymptomatic until complications occur, like infertility and certain cancers. Plus, it’s just the moral thing to do. If you’re having sex – protected or not – you’re putting yourself at risk of getting an STI. How to not get an STI? Don’t have sex. Just take preventative measures; look after yourself and your partner and decrease the rate of transmission. As the saying goes – it takes two to tango!
You could get an STI from the first person you have slept with and you could get one from your husband: STIs don’t mean a person’s dirty, and they don’t always mean that someone has cheated. You would be grateful if someone opened up
Common STI’s – Side Effects and Treatments
All of the information below is from the NHS website. I’m going to link the NHS pages to each of the STI’s listed so you can click for further information. If you think you have an STI you should avoid any sort of sex with your partner until you have been tested and/or treated.
Chlamydia: One of the most common STI’s in the UK. Passed on through unprotected sex (without a condom). Most people with chlamydia do not notice any symptoms and do not know they have it. If you do develop symptoms, you may experience: pain when peeing, unusual discharge from the vagina, penis or bottom, in women, pain in the tummy, bleeding after sex and bleeding between periods in men, pain and swelling in the testicles. Chlamydia can usually be treated easily with antibiotics.You may be given some tablets to take all on 1 day, or a longer course of capsules to take for a week. Read more
Gonorrhoea: The bacteria that cause gonorrhoea are mainly found in discharge from the penis and in vaginal fluid. The bacteria can infect the entrance to the womb (cervix), the tube that passes urine out of the body (urethra), the rectum and, less commonly, the throat or eyes. Typical symptoms of gonorrhoea include a thick green or yellow discharge from the vagina or penis, pain when peeing and, in women, bleeding between periods. But around 1 in 10 infected men and almost half of infected women do not experience any symptoms.Gonorrhoea is easily passed between people through: unprotected vaginal, oral or anal sex, sharing vibrators or other sex toys that have not been washed or covered with a new condom each time they’re used. Gonorrhoea is usually treated with a single antibiotic injection and a single antibiotic tablet. Read more
Trichomoniasis: Caused by a tiny parasite called Trichomonas vaginalis (TV). Symptoms of trichomoniasis usually develop within a month of infection. But up to half of all people will not develop any symptoms (though they can still pass the infection on to others). The symptoms of trichomoniasis are similar to those of many other sexually transmitted infections (STIs), so it can sometimes be difficult to diagnose. Symptoms include: abnormal vaginal discharge that may be thick, thin or frothy and yellow-green in colour, producing more discharge than normal, which may also have an unpleasant fishy smell, soreness, swelling and itching around the vagina – sometimes the inner thighs also become itchy, pain or discomfort when passing urine or having sex in women. Symptoms for men can include: pain when peeing or during ejaculation needing to pee more frequently than usual thin, white discharge from the penis, soreness, swelling and redness around the head of the penis or foreskin. Anyone who’s sexually active can catch it and pass it on. However, trichomoniasis is not thought to be passed on through oral or anal sex. It can be treated with a course of 5-7 days of antibiotics. Read more
HPV and Genital Warts: A common sexually transmitted infection (STI) passed on by vaginal and anal sex, sharing sex toys and, rarely, by oral sex. Many people with the virus do not have symptoms but can still pass it on. After you get the infection, it can take weeks to many months before symptoms appear. You can get genital warts from skin-to-skin contact, including vaginal and anal sex, and sharing sex toys. HPV is the name of a very common group of viruses. They do not cause any problems in most people, but some types can cause genital warts or cancer. HPV affects the skin. There are more than 100 different types.Strains HPV 6 and HPV 11 account for 90% of genital warts. Go to a sexual health clinic if you have: One or more painless growths or lumps around your vagina, penis or anus, itching or bleeding from your genitals or anus, a change to your normal flow of pee (for example, it’s begun to flow sideways) that does not go away, a sexual partner who has genital warts, even if you do not have symptoms. Treatment can include: cream, freezing the warts, cutting them off, burn them off or use a lazer to remove the warts. There’s no cure for genital warts, but it’s possible for your body to fight the virus over time. Read more
Genital Herpes: Passed on through vaginal, anal and oral sex. Treatment from a sexual health clinic can help. Symptoms clear up on their own but can come back. Go to the clinic if you experience: small blisters that burst to leave red, open sores around your genitals, anus, thighs or bottom, tingling, burning or itching around your genitals, pain when you pee, – in women- vaginal discharge that’s not usual for you. There’s no cure. Symptoms clear up by themselves, but the blisters can come back (an outbreak or recurrence). Treatment from a sexual health clinic can help. Treatment can include: antiviral medication and creams to soothe the blisters. You can get genital herpes: from skin-to-skin contact with the infected area (including vaginal, anal and oral sex) when there are no visible sores or blisters, if a cold sore touches your genitals, by transferring the infection on fingers from someone else to your genitals, by sharing sex toys with someone who has herpes. You cannot get genital herpes:from objects such as cutlery or cups – the virus dies very quickly when away from your skin. Read more
Pubic Lice: Otherwise known as ‘crabs’ are tiny insects that live on coarse human body hair, such as pubic hair. As well as being found in pubic hair, the lice are also sometimes found in: underarm and leg hair, hair on the chest, abdomen and back, facial hair, such as beards and moustaches, eyelashes and eyebrows (very occasionally). Pubic lice are spread through close bodily contact, most commonly sexual contact. Symptoms are the same for men and women, and include: itching in the affected areas, especially at night, inflammation and irritation caused by scratching, black powder in your underwear, blue spots or small spots of blood on your skin, such as on your thighs or lower abdomen (caused by lice bites), Itching is the most common symptom of pubic lice and is an allergic reaction to their saliva. The itching is usually worse at night because that’s when the lice are most active. Using condoms and other methods of barrier contraception doesn’t protect you against pubic lice – but shaving will! Pubic lice can be treated at home with insecticide cream, lotion or shampoo. Read more
Scabies: The symptoms of scabies are: intense itching, especially at night, a raised rash or spots. Tiny mites lay eggs in the skin, leaving lines with a dot at one end. The scabies rash usually spreads across the whole body, apart from the head. Scabies is not usually a serious condition, but it does need to be treated. A pharmacist will recommend a cream or lotion that you apply over your whole body. It’s important to read the instructions carefully. Scabies is very infectious, but it can take up to 8 weeks for the rash to appear. Scabies are passed from person to person by skin-to-skin contact. Therefore, it’s not always caught via sex – it can be passed on from touching someone – anything skin-on-skin. Read more
Syphilis: It’s important to get tested and treated as soon as possible if you think you might have syphilis, as it can cause serious problems if it’s left untreated. It can usually be cured with a short course of antibiotics. The symptoms of syphilis are not always obvious and may eventually disappear, but you’ll usually remain infected unless you get treated. Symptoms can include: small, painless sores or ulcers that typically appear on the penis, vagina, or around the anus, but can occur in other places such as the mouth, a blotchy red rash that often affects the palms of the hands or soles of the feet, small skin growths (similar to genital warts) that may develop on the vulva in women or around the bottom (anus) in both men and women, white patches in the mouth, tiredness, headaches, joint pains, a high temperature (fever) and swollen glands in your neck, groin or armpits. If it’s left untreated for years, syphilis can spread to the brain or other parts of the body and cause serious long-term problems. Syphilis is mainly spread through close contact with an infected sore. This usually happens during vaginal, anal or oral sex, or by sharing sex toys with someone who’s infected. Anyone who’s sexually active is potentially at risk. Syphilis is usually treated with either: an injection of antibiotics into your buttocks – most people will only need 1 dose, although 3 injections given at weekly intervals may be recommended if you have had syphilis for a long time. Or a course of antibiotics tablets if you cannot have the injection – this will usually last 2 or 4 weeks, depending on how long you have had syphilis. Read more
HIV: HIV (human immunodeficiency virus) is a virus that damages the cells in your immune system and weakens your ability to fight everyday infections and disease. AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syndrome) is the name used to describe a number of potentially life-threatening infections and illnesses that happen when your immune system has been severely damaged by the HIV virus. While AIDS cannot be transmitted from one person to another, the HIV virus can. There’s currently no cure for HIV, but there are very effective drug treatments that enable most people with the virus to live a long and healthy life. With an early diagnosis and effective treatments, most people with HIV will not develop any AIDS-related illnesses and will live a near-normal lifespan. HIV is found in the body fluids of an infected person. This includes semen, vaginal and anal fluids, blood and breast milk. It’s a fragile virus and does not survive outside the body for long. HIV cannot be transmitted through sweat, urine or saliva. The most common way of getting HIV in the UK is through having anal or vaginal sex without a condom. Other ways of getting HIV include: sharing needles, syringes or other injecting equipment. Antiretroviral medicines are used to treat HIV. They work by stopping the virus replicating in the body, allowing the immune system to repair itself and preventing further damage. These come in the form of tablets, which need to be taken every day. As long as a HIV+ person takes their medication every day it makes the virus near undetectable when coming to transmission. However; anyone who has sex without a condom or shares needles is at risk of HIV infection. Read more
I feel sick at the thought of posting this article. This topic is quite a sensitive topic for me, and below I will go into detail of my own experiences. I’ve decided to write this article because the amount of times the date rape drug gets used and how often people get away with it is partly down to miseducation. After watching Michaela Coels ‘I May Destroy You’ series on BBC it highlighted to me just how passive rape and sexual assault is in life, for both men and women – so I wanted to speak out about one of my own experiences.
What is the Date Rape Drug?
According to WebMD , “Date-rape drugs are substances that make it easier for someone to rape or sexually assault another person. They include alcohol and some medications. The person who’s attacked might become confused, have trouble defending themselves, or not be able to remember what happened later. “Date rape” doesn’t always happen on a date. An attacker could be someone you just met or someone you’ve known for a while.”
An attacker can use several kinds of drugs or medications to overpower someone else or cause them to forget an incident. The most common date-rape drugs are: GHB (gamma-hydroxybutyric acid) also referred to as ‘liquid ecstasy’, rohypnol, and ketamine. Alcohol enhances the effects of these drugs. None of these drugs have a smell or taste, making them unidentifiable as such when you’re drinking. However, apparently rohypnol used to come as a white tablet that didn’t have a smell or taste, but drug companies now make it as a light green pill with a blue core. If someone puts it in a clear drink, the liquid turns blue. However, some generic pills may not have the blue dye and your drink may not be a clear liquid – so we aren’t 100% safe yet.
I’m sure we all know someone that has fallen victim to the date rape drug, be that yourself or someone else. I’ve encountered and experienced this twice myself, and it’s horrendous. You lose full control of any speech, and of your body. You can’t move at all, it’s like you’re completely paralysed but your brain is working. You’re still there, but you’re not. There’s one encounter where I was out drinking with my friends and I was certain I got drugged, although it only occurred to me a few days after when I told a family member about my experience and they pointed out “ that doesn’t sound like drink, that sounds like someone put something in your drink”. I went from being happily drunk to losing my vision, being sick for around thirty minutes until my friend found me, and then I couldn’t hold myself up or talk. She thought I was just drunk – everyone did – and that’s what makes these drugs so dangerous.
My second experience I’m not 100% sure, but the situation wasn’t consensual either way. I went out on a date, I had a few drinks – but I can handle my alcohol. The bars were closing, so I agreed to have a drink back at his hotel room but made it clear I would have to leave after the one drink because I had somewhere I needed to be in the morning. He kept telling me to drink my drink because I was chatting loads and I thought nothing of it. Then all of a sudden I’ve blacked out and he’s having sex with me? I’m not going into further detail but when I left – again – not until weeks later did I realise what had happened until someone said “that doesn’t sound right, are you… ok?” I shan’t go into any further detail.
I left the hotel room immediately afterwards and got into a taxi, freaked out by what had just happened, and then I just tried not to think about it. I could barely get up the stairs when I got home, I missed my alarm the next morning and the next day I felt exactly the same as I did the first time I got spiked. I had a huge hangover and felt completely out of sorts the next morning. Whether I got drugged with the same thing both times, is debatable – but that’s besides the point.
The date rape drug isn’t just used to rape people, some sick people in the world will do it simply for a laugh. The first time it happened to me I was just out drinking with my friend in the pubs, no men involved, so how my drink got drugged – I don’t know when, or where it happened – I just remember losing all sense of consciousness. When I was at the bar an old friend started chatting to me and my vision just went and I was asking “sorry, but who are you?” then they told me and I just remember feeling really confused and trying to get to the toilet ASAP to be sick, whilst I still could.
In the first instance I count myself lucky because I was with a friend and out in public, so I managed to get home safe without anything happening. The second instance I wasn’t so lucky. The date rape drug is incredibly real and is used a lot more than people like to admit. It’s not necessarily used by strangers all the time as people like to think, it’ll be used on dates, and by those you trust. As my nan always says, “if you ever have to leave your drink – just buy another one – it’s worth the cost.” But what if the guy you’re on a date with is at the bar buying your drink? You shouldn’t have to feel on edge and paranoid when you go on a date, or go out drinking just in case someone drugs you – because it shouldn’t be happening anyway. If they’re going to drug you, they’ll find a way to do it. Let’s stop blaming the victims and start punishing the perpetrators. The security in bars/ clubs and restaurants should be monitoring the bar area on CCTV anyway, why are they not on alert for suspect behaviour?
Don’t Gaslight Yourself!
The date rape drug is horrendous for so many reasons, and the fact that it has so many similar side effects as alcohol (just more enhanced) is one of the scariest things about it, as you question your own tolerance. Did I just drink too much and black out or did someone drug me? You’re always trying to justify things NOT happening instead of realising the reality and what actually happened. When you have time to think after the incident you soon realise that you aren’t being dramatic, however you still remain in two minds. For example, on my second instance – I didn’t want to sleep with this guy, I ALWAYS use condoms and because I’m not on contraceptive I’d never let anyone finish in me. Why did that happen? Not because I was ‘drunk’ – it was because I blacked out and was incapable of saying no, or even realising what was going on. Have I ever been that drunk? No. Stop gaslighting yourself.
Another one of the worst things about the date rape drug is because it has similar effects to alcohol, you often don’t realise until a few days later that you got drugged – so you can’t report it, and how are they ever going to find the person that drugged your drink if you were out drinking with friends? The police don’t care enough to investigate, so the people that are date raping people are constantly getting away with it. What they decide to do with you after the effects have taken their toll is often the unknown, or remains in a blurred memory but again – by the time you realise – it’s too late.
Look out for your friends, and if your ‘friend’ is someone that drugs people – REPORT THEM! There’s some truly despicable human beings on this planet that will do whatever they want regardless of the impact it may have on other people, purely because they know they will get away with it and won’t get caught.
What Can I Do to Help a Friend?
An overview of sexual offending in England and Wales revealed that, approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men (aged 16 – 59) experience rape, attempted rape or sexual assault by penetration in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 of the most serious sexual offences (of adults alone) every hour. Only around 15% of those who experience sexual violence report to the police, and approximately 90% of those who are raped know the perpetrator prior to the offence.
Therefore, when most sexual assaults take place they don’t get reported and it’s because of the obscene amount of evidence required after the event has taken place. You can’t wash yourself, you can’t brush your teeth, or change your clothes, you have to remain feeling dirty so they can take evidence. Evidence which most of the time proves to be ‘insufficient’.
Tell me, who is going to go straight to a police station after they’ve been assaulted to go and not be believed anyway? Date raping needs to be watched and monitored a lot more especially in public places because the people that do it are serial offenders as they know they won’t get caught after getting away with it so many times before.
If a friend opens up to you about an incident where they think, or know, they got drugged – don’t allow them to gaslight themselves and encourage them to report it as most people won’t – I didn’t. Listen to your friend and don’t use excuses like “maybe you just drank too much” or “you shouldn’t have gone back to his hotel room” because trust me – that does not help.
If you feel as though you’ve been sexually assaulted or raped, contact the National Rape Crisis Helpline: It is open between 12:00-14:30 and 19:00-21:30 every day of the year – call 0808 802 9999.
Besides the debate that sex toys have become normalized for women and not men, I disagree. I think sex toys are still extremely taboo in today’s society – regardless of gender – and there’s still a notion of opinion regarding sex toys being ‘dirty’, ‘weird’, and ‘sexually deviant’ when in solo use, or deemed ‘unecessary’ when regarding couples sex. This opinion needs to change.
Single and Want a Sex Toy? There’s No Shame in the Sex Toy Game!
It’s 2020, we’re currently a part of a global pandemic which makes it near enough impossible for singletons to start forming relationships of any kind really. So just why is there still judgement and a stigma around masturbating with a device for assisted pleasure? What difference does it really make whether you wank with your fingers or with a clit vibrator? Likewise for men, why is it ‘disgusting’ or ‘weird’ for them to have a fleshlight? That’s just the female equivalent of having a dildo. Why do people feel the need to buy sex toys? Because they feel fucking good!!
Obviously, judgment of the use of sex toys more often than not comes from individuals that don’t use sex toys. “Why should we use them ?” some people may ask. Because they not only help to get you off, and heighten your orgasms, but they also help you to explore your own sensuality too. Using a sex toy is a guaranteed good experience, because you’re in 100% control as to how your body reacts and what’s going on, unlike the ‘real’ thing.
The thought of not having sex for six months makes me want to jump off the face of the planet, but being single, having a sex toy decreases the need for seeking sexual pleasure in another person. The stress free way to orgasm.. Do it on your own! I mean a sex toy cant pull your hair, choke you and fuck you all at the same time so they’re not a perfect replacement as such, but a good one nontheless. And probably one of the best investments you’ll ever make in your life.
Granted, the experience of using toys is different for each individual. For example, some women might prefer vibes on their clit, whilst others prefer a dildo inside of them, or someone agreeing to use a blindfold, but not handcuffs – preferences vary. However with a plethora of options out there, it would be rude to not try before you decide to form a negative opinion.
For those in relationships, just what is it with people, but mainly men, and their insecurities not wanting their partners using sex toys full stop? Some find it somewhat demeaning to their masculinity and may manipulate their partners into thinking that by using sex toys they are seeking sexual pleasure elsewhere. If this is ever the case, tell them to get stuffed. Toys over boys!
Why Sex Toys Are Good for Your Relationship
Some partners may feel insecure at the fact they feel as though they can’t pleasure their partner enough if they want to incorporate sex toys into their love life, however that is just not the case. Sex toys are more than just a bit of added fun. In fact women feel such a way about their partners knowing about their sex toys, a survey by the sex toy retailer TooTimid.com of over 1,413 women found out that 54 percent of them hide their sex toys from their partners.
This shows just how prevalent the taboo surrounding the sex toy stigma still is in today’s society. If you’re embarrassed or ashamed of your partner knowing about your masturbation habits, how is the stigma surrounding sex toys ever going to end? Women, especially, find it a lot harder to cum than men, using a toy just helps you to get there a little bit quicker.
Besides the popular myth that every woman can cum, and that women can cum at the click of a finger – that is simply not true. The female orgasm is a lot more complicated than that. Reciting from my article on The Female Orgasm and Squirting: the Truths, 75% of women can’t cum from penetration alone. Being able to orgasm depends a lot on foreplay for a woman, and heavily on clitoral stimulation in order to achieve it. Toys can be a great addition to foreplay, and really add to the experience as a whole.
Introducing toys to the bedroom, doesn’t mean your sex is boring and needs ‘spicing up’ it can be for many reasons. Being blindfolded can greatly diminish insecurities for some, and a small vibrator may be the thing that helps your partner reach the big ‘O’. Plus, toys aren’t just for fun: they can also assist those that struggle with erectile dysfunction, which is incredibly common. In fact, 1 in 4 men under the age of 40 experience erectile dysfunction (ED) in their life, meaning they can’t stay hard enough to finish sexual intercourse, and bringing some toys into the game can be a way to pass that.
The Sex Toy Stigma Against Men
Over at our Instagram handle @shshithappens I did a poll to see who uses sex toys – a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer was required. Most of the yes’ were women meanwhile most of the no’s were males which begs the questions; if toxic masculinity is the reason, the lack of sex toys on the market for men, or if they simply are not interested?
Vice states a fair point in terms of sex toy marketing, “Women were affirmed by the ‘Rabbit’ episode in Sex and the City, while men who use sex toys have their entire identity questioned. These days, erotic devices are tastefully marketed to suburban moms on vanilla lifestyle websites”
For solo sex, fleshlights can be incredibly satisfying for men, and can feel really good on the penis when filled with lube as it has the suction feeling of a vagina or anus depending on your preference, and then the wet feeling too – which the lube adds. However, like mentioned previously there’s often an assumption that follows when a man owns a sex toy for solo masturbation such as a fleshlight.
But why? It’s literally the dildo equivalent. If a man buys, or wants a fleshlight, so what? Sex toys are a way of exploring your own sensuality in full control and seeing what gets you off. A fleshlight creates a similar experience to a vagina, but at the same time it’s such a different experience because you’re in full control of every single sensation on your penis – unlike a vagina which behaves a lot differently. The same concept but two different experiences – just like using a dildo vs an actual penis. Fleshlights nowadays have developed and are incredibly innovative, not all look like vagina’s – some look more like machines. Masturbating with your hand or with a toy is no different, bar the sensation. For more information on sex toys for men head over to my Sex Toys article.
The Independent states, “The benefits of orgasm are huge for both physical and mental well-being, and recent research from Harvard Medical School has found that regular orgasms can reduce the risk of developing prostate cancer by 22 per cent, so anything that adds or enables an orgasm can only be a good thing.”
Overall, sex toys are nothing to be ashamed of. Whether you’re worried about your partner finding out, your dad finding your dildo or the postman seeing your non-discreet package… who gives a fuck? We all do it!
The normality of threesomes is growing in popular culture. Regularly featured in a wide array of media publications and websites, there is a strong argument that threesomes have become a risqué, but nonetheless socially accepted, perhaps even expected, part of a contemporary young person’s sexual repertoire of experiences.
A lot of the articles online discussing threesomes delve into couples wanting a threesome, and how to go about who to choose, the do’s and don’ts, if you’re completely ready, it’s consensual from both sides of the spectrum, and whether to have it with a rando or a friend. There’s not actually much info on threesomes for single people, who are also interested in exploring that avenue. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to fuck a couple in order to have a threesome either, it can be done in MANY ways.
Why Have A Threesome?
Speaking to The Guardian, last year Dr Ryan Scoats of Coventry University published ‘Understanding Threesomes’ – the first in-depth study on threesomes in 30 years. He had found that the motivations went far beyond straightforward novelty-seeking, from ticking it off a sexual “bucket list”, to settling psychological debts – for example, by leveling the score with an unfaithful partner. One woman who had cheated on her husband in a threesome later repeated the experience with him as payback.
“It can be an absolute sex romp,” says Scoats. “It can be about power, it can be about fun and excitement, it can be about alcohol. It can be that it was just there, and ‘Why not?’ And it can be all of these things, and none of these things.”
Some study participants told Scoats that they had gone ahead with it primarily for someone else’s benefit – a motivation he termed “sexual altruism”. It might be that their partner had a threesome fantasy that they didn’t necessarily share, or that they wanted to act on same-sex attraction within a mixed-sex relationship (especially common among women).
Are You Comfortable?
The general consensus implied that threesomes with your friends, and people you know are a lot better than having it with rando’s, in more ways than one. The intimate experience shared between three people can bring you a lot closer, in ways you didn’t feel were possible. Rarely do threesomes actually take place with three complete total strangers. Another common threesome scenario is couples, where they bring in an added extra to their sex life, to spice things up a bit. That person is often referred to as a ‘unicorn’ in the sex world.
As much as I probably would have a threesome, and like the idea of it, I don’t quite know how I’d feel about a hot (random) couple suggesting the idea… I think I’d think it was a ploy to murder me and get paranoid – refraining me from engaging in the act. Which I guess is why threesomes with friends appeals to people a lot more, because it’s… safer? I guess?
Most females stated they would feel safer having a threesome FFM because it’s more intimidating with two men, and the woman would generally feel more comfortable in that situation with another woman, rather than another man.
Findings suggest: that although some women perceived MMF threesomes to be potentially objectifying and unsafe, this referred to a very specific type of MMF threesome—ones that did NOT include men engaging in same-sex sex interaction. In contrast, threesomes which did include men who interacted together sexually were seen as less objectifying, safer, and a potential source of arousal.
Bringing A Third Into Your Relationship
Once you’ve decided your relationship can handle a ménage à trois, then comes the actual hard part: figuring out how to have a sexy, romantic, drama-free threesome. P.s. best friends and boyfriend do not mix.
“Attempting a three-way doesn’t necessarily mean you’re courting catastrophe. It can definitely open the door for things to get weird or go wrong, though. But as long as you’re both all in, you’ve built a solid foundation of trust and communication, and you all respect the safety of everyone involved, threesomes can be a whole new way to expand your sexual repertoire. Do you share a fantasy you feel safe exploring together? Are you equally comfortable with trying a tri? Or is one of you doing it just to please the other — or to fish the relationship out of the toilet?” Says Paul Joannides, PsyD and author of ‘The Guide to Getting It On‘, to Greatest.com. Joannides continues,
“Before you even begin to look for a third player, you need to be crystal clear with yourself – and your partner – about why you want to have a threesome in the first place.”
Apps like 3nder specialise in threesome connections. And some regular dating sites have options for polyamorous couples looking for ways to recruit another partner. Whether you’re seeking someone online or off, it’s probably good to avoid friends and former lovers, Joannides advises. There’s no need to re-open old wounds from previous broken relationships, or make things forever awkward with a friend because you now can’t un-see their O face.
Also, make sure you and your partner are feeling sexual chemistry with the third wheel, a threesome is not going to be enjoyable for everyone if there’s one person who’s just not into it. Metro states, “Same-sex threesomes like F/F/F and M/M/M are kind of easy. Everyone is (generally) attracted to each other. But if you’re in a F/M/M or M/F/F threesome, or two people aren’t attracted to each other, things can get tricky. More pressure is put on one person to please the other two – and it can be exhausting.” An anonymous source has very kindly written in to Shit Happens, and they also back up this concept,
Confession #1 “I was fifteen and I did it with a couple which resulted in their break-up“
“All of my threesomes have been spontaneous, I’ve done MMF, FFM, and FFF. My first experience wasn’t the best. I was fifteen and I did it with a couple which resulted in their break-up. It was sober, but not planned. I didn’t experiment with threesomes again until I was 18 and that was FFF, so I was way more into it. My most recent one was MMF, not sober in the slightest and it wasn’t awkward at all. However, I do believe that if one of the parties is shit in bed, then it lets the side down.” Anon, London, 23
‘Opening up’ a monogamous relationship is often perceived as a threat to its long-term stability, either by reflecting a weakened commitment or by giving rise to jealousy. That can certainly be the case, says cultural anthropologist and writer of ‘Plays Well in Groups: A Journey Through the World of Group Sex’, Katherine Frank. “You can’t control what happens with two people. What makes you think you could with three?”
“People say, ‘You need to overcome your jealousy’, and that can sound really great when you’re sober in the daylight, but a lot of sex is subconscious. Something can suddenly hit you: ‘He moved her hair in a certain way’ – those things can trigger a jealous response that’s not even rational, that may be fleeting or intense.”
In general, Frank cautions against having too many expectations of how threesomes might go, especially for the first time: “The fantasy almost never lives up to the reality.” Equally important: what won’t be happening? Everything is up for discussion here. Is kissing off the cards? Is penetration off the cards, or is it fine as long as no one ejaculates in anyone else? Whoever is invited into the bedroom with you should never leave feeling like they’ve caused the rift between the two people in a relationship to get bigger. Sex should be a pleasurable, positive experience for all parties involved.
Which Age Bracket Loves Threesomes the Most?
The truth is, many threesomes are driven by a desire for novelty. For younger people, the “consumer sexuality” view, may be to maximise their experience before settling down into a relationship. But ‘Tell Me What You Want’ author and sex researcher, Lehmiller’s data shows college students are actually the least likely group to fantasize about threesomes.
Instead, Lehmiller found, interest in threesomes peaked around aged 40 and remained high for about the next 20 years before declining. “Most of these people are in long-term, monogamous relationships, and they are looking at threesomes as a way of injecting novelty into their sex life,” he says.
Analytics of the porn streaming site ‘Pornhub’ shows that ‘threesome’ was the second most commonly viewed category of pornography by women in 2018, and the eighth most viewed category overall – across all viewers. (Porn Hub’s 2018 Year in Review, 2019). So is it really a surprise that so many people are up for bringing someone else into the mix?! It is a fantasy many people seem to get off on.
Food for Thought
Facilitating real-life threesomes has become easier with the creation of location-based smartphone apps such as Tinder, Grindr, and even some dedicated to finding threesomes, such as Feeld (formally 3nder), 3somer, and Trippple. Location-based apps allow users to find others looking for the same thing (be this dating, casual sex, etc.), sorted by geographical proximity so you can have fun wherever you are in the world!
As fun as threesomes seem, there is a lot of thinking that needs to go into it. Such as facilitating the correct use of protection when swapping partners, and… just when do they leave? GQ Magazine states, “Logically, you’ll want to have some cool-down and cleaning-off time, maybe offer them a drink, but, are they staying over? If they aren’t, and you don’t have good public transport links, are you paying for their Uber? If they are, are you making them breakfast? What are you allowed to do with your third while one of you is out of the room?” Just a few things to think about before engaging in your first threesome.
Confession #2 “ONE OF THE BEST SEX EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!”
“It was a Tuesday, me and my friends ended up going on a spontaneous night out to an Irish bar (with plans to get home at a decent time). It got messy. We then met three guys (all in their thirties) with whom ended up coming back home with us.
We got back to the flat and got fucked up for a few hours. Normally I’m the first to go to bed, so I don’t have to be the one to kick anyone out, but because I liked one of the guys, I ended up being the last. Both of my flat mates went to bed and left me in the lounge – alone. One of the guys decided to go home. So it was just me and these two lads.
This is where it got a bit uncomfortable for me, as I wanted to take one of them to my room but the other guy was like “you go, and I’ll stay here and wait”. I thought, no way… that’s a bit weird? But then the other guy said “why don’t we both just fuck you then?” And because I’d never had a threesome before I thought, I’m fully up for this, I’m gonna do it! I think to start with I was quite dominant in who was where, and what I wanted. I never thought in a million years it would even happen!
So, next minute I’m sucking one of them off whilst the other one wasfucking me. Then at one point, I actually was having anal and sex at the same time – and it was incredible! It went on for ages, all across the living room. I had never been chucked around so much in my life, and the sex was AMAZING! The two lads didn’t want to do anything to each other, so they just took in turns with me. I think we continued doing this till about 8am, and then when I woke up the next morning I realised I didn’t get either of their numbers and will probably never see them again. Gutted. But it is definitely up there as one of the best sex experiences of my life.” Anon, Sheffield, 22
I just want to use this post to thank everybody that has taken part so far in this new project of mine, and also I’d like to thank everybody that reads these articles and likes/ follows/ shares the page. Your interaction is SO appreciated. Don’t feel as though there’s anything you CAN’T talk about with me, my DM’s and e-mail is always open, as are my thoughts. Even if it’s just a general question and you want a second opinion, but you’re too embarrassed to ask friends or your partner – please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Our conversations will remain completely anonymous unless you request otherwise. Whilst you’re here why not read my most recent article? The Female Orgasm & Squirting: The Truths!
One of the most hotly debated arguments when it comes to female sexuality is squirting, aka when fluid comes jetting out of a woman’s genitals, often with an accompanying orgasm. Not every woman can squirt though, so if you don’t think you can, rest assured, there’s nothing wrong with you.
It’s a no-brainer that the female orgasm is still a mystery to many men. (Should we provide them with a map to the clitoris, perhaps?) But it’s not a stretch to say that many women could also use more education when it comes to reaching climax, whether solo or with a partner – myself included.
Unlike men, not every woman can cum. Well not easily anyway. For a woman it is a lot harder. This expectation of women being able to cum and squirt like pushing a button on a machine is absolutely and categorically a MYTH. Some women can cum really easily – yes – but most can’t. According to Psychology Today 75% of women can’t cum from penetration alone. Being able to orgasm depends a lot on foreplay for a woman, and heavily on clitoral stimulation in order to achieve it. No disrespect to penis-in-vagina intercourse, but penetration is not the easiest route to an orgasm for most women. What move is more likely to lead to an amazing orgasm? Oral sex – receiving it, that is.
According to a 2017 study from the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, nearly 70% of women described receiving oral as “very pleasurable.” It’s not hard to guess why. A third of women said that they need this kind of touching to reach climax.
WTF Is Squirting?!
Wtf is squirting? Is it cum? Is it wee? Is it some other liquid your body makes up?! Recent research puts the number of women who experience female ejaculation at around 54%. But that same research found that up to 66% of women experience coital incontinence, or excreting urine at orgasm. And it’s hard to tell the difference between ejaculate and urine, says Dr. Streicher for Health.com.
“With female ejaculation, what we’re generally talking about is an emission of fluid from the Skene’s glands, which are little glands on the side of the urethra,” she explains. “Some women do lose urine when they orgasm, but it’s very diluted so it doesn’t smell like urine. So it’s not so obvious what’s happening.”
Either way, it’s just what your body does. “One of the questions that comes up all the time with my patients is whether there’s a way to make it stop,” says Dr. Streicher. “If it’s ejaculate, no. If it’s urine, there are opportunities to try and decrease or eliminate incontinence. But I get a surprising number of women who tell me they want to ejaculate. How can they make that happen? I have no idea.”
Squirting: Fact or Fiction?
Casey Calvert, a porn star, BDSM and fetish expert for GameLink, and a self-professed squirter, thinks squirting is a real phenomenon. She says to Cosmopolitan that if you want to squirt orgasmically, “get very comfortable with your Hitachi vibrator and also get a G-spot toy.”
To be clear, a lot of the time when you see squirting in porn – it is pee. “You can’t tell (it’s pee) unless the girl is really bad at her job and didn’t drink enough water and it’s really yellow,” says Calvert. “My personal experience is that I can’t squirt on command. The porn makers are very practical about it. If you get hired to do a squirting scene, they don’t really care what you’re doing, if you’re actually expressing the gland that creates the real squirt or if you’re peeing.” So it makes sense that sometimes squirting, like a lot of other things you see in porn – isn’t real.
It’s also a popular fetish, according to Calvert, which is why you see it a lot in porn. It’s also possibly what’s driving all the conversations about it. She theorizes that it’s popular with men because they like to see tangible evidence (which is what happens when they orgasm) that a woman is cumming.
Porn likes to create this image that the female orgasm is something you can’t physically miss, with it’s soul shaking body takeover. This is not true. It isn’t always that way. On some occasions, some women can’t even identify if they’re had an orgasm or not, due to other heightened times of peak pleasure during their sexual encounter.
Squirting isn’t always an uncontrollable shower either, according to gsilicone.com, “What is actually excreted in terms of fluid can range from a few drops of a milky, slightly viscous excretion, to a full blown gush of clear liquid; in fact, what’s emitted can be any variant between these two extremes.” You also may excuse the juices for being his, having not realised you’ve actually came.
According to ListVerse, research by a neuroscientist shows that many women report having orgasms without any noticeable contractions or violent shaking of the limbs like we’d generally expect, and science doesn’t know why. It may be because women aren’t often good at differentiating an orgasm from other peak times of pleasure during a sexual encounter.
Why You Might Not Be Able To Orgasm
The high importance that society places on sex, combined with our incomplete knowledge of the orgasm, has led to a number of common misconceptions. Sexual culture has placed the orgasm on a pedestal, often prizing it as the one and only goal for sexual encounters. However, orgasms are not as simple and as common as many people would suggest. It is estimated that around 10-15 percent of women have never had an orgasm.
It is commonly held that orgasms are a sexual experience, typically experienced as part of a sexual response cycle. They often occur following the continual stimulation of erogenous zones, such as the genitals, anus, nipples, and perineum.
According to Medical News Today, “The absence of having orgasms is also referred to as anorgasmia. This term can be divided into primary anorgasmia, when a woman has never experienced an orgasm, and secondary anorgasmia, when a woman who previously experienced orgasms no longer can. The condition can be limited to certain situations or can generally come about. It can occur as the result of physical causes such as gynecological issues or the use of certain medications, or psychological causes such as anxiety or depression.“
The Stats & Facts
There’s not really a ‘right amount of time’ for your orgasm to last. In fact, researchers used to think that 3 to 15 seconds was about the duration of a female orgasm. Then they found evidence that a climax could go on for 20 seconds to 2 minutes. The journal Ceskoslovenska Psychiatrie published data showing that 40% of women estimated the duration of their orgasm to be 30 to 60 seconds or even longer, and 48% of women experienced predominantly long orgasms.
According to NCBI, almost 60% of women ejaculate when they orgasm. However, women in same-sex relationships are more likely to orgasm than women who sleep with men. (Probably because they know where the clitoris is). In a recent study published in Archives of Sexual Behaviour, ninety-five percent of heterosexual men reported that they usually or always orgasm during a sexual encounter, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same thing.
One of the reasons female orgasm is so mysterious is that it appears to serve no evolutionary purpose at all. Unlike men, it doesn’t do anything for the actual reproduction process. According to some scientists, the contractions during an orgasm help the female retain as much sperm as she can, increasing the chances of fertilization. It’s backed by research, too.
Cosmopolitan states, “Squirting has nothing to do with the intensity of the orgasm. In fact, the women who do it are likely more focused on fulfilling the sexual fantasies of their male sex partners than actually enjoying an orgasm. Many sex therapists actually think that straining to squirt can ultimately damage the pelvic muscles.”
And for all those wondering, when the contents of this fluid have been analyzed, it’s actually – yes – closer to pee than it is to female ejaculate.
Orgasms Can Cure Migraines!
Suffer from headaches? Try getting it on, be it with a partner, or with yourself! Sixty percent of migraine sufferers experienced moderate or complete relief after an orgasm, according to research published by the International Headache Society.
Neurologist and headache specialist at the University of Münster in Germany, Stefan Evers says to LiveScience, “There’s a portion of patients with migraines, about one-third, who experience relief from a migraine attack by sexual activity.” Various things from sunlight to lightning, can trigger migraines. “Meanwhile, about 1 percent of the population suffers from headaches caused by sex“, Evers continued. So I guess this cure doesn’t necessarily work for everyone!
Oral sex… Where do I begin? Oral sex is using your mouth and tongue to stimulate your partner’s genitals or anus. Like all sex, different people enjoy different things. ‘Going down’, ‘rimming’ and ‘blow jobs’ are some of the many ways of describing oral sex.
Many people do enjoy oral sex as part of their sex life, but it is a very personal thing and not everybody likes it or chooses to do it. There are a whole variety of ways to lick, suck and stimulate someone. You may decide not to have oral sex at all, or you may enjoy experimenting with your partner to find out what gives you both pleasure.
It is important to talk to your partner so you can understand what you both enjoy and what you would prefer to avoid. It can take a while to work out what makes someone feel good. The best thing to do is to keep communicating with your partner. Ask them to tell you what feels nice and let them know when you are enjoying something.
Some women don’t like the taste of cum, which is fine – use a condom to give the blowjob or let him finish elsewhere. Likewise, if a man isn’t a big fan of giving head to a woman there’s plenty of flavoured lubes you can use and even a dental dam (explained further down in the article).
Below I’m going to expand on both male and female oral as well as rimming, how to (potentially) stimulate your partner more, fun oral sex facts, how to keep it safe, and the nitty gritty.
Fun Facts About Oral Sex
SWALLOWING CUM HELPS CURE DEPRESSION!
“Some studies have suggested that exposure to semen offers strange health benefits—like a reduced likelihood of preeclampsia or depression.”
Semen is best known for what’s not absorbed by the vagina, sperm, which swim through it on their way into the fallopian tubes where fertilization takes place. According to Psychology Today, “Sperm comprises only about 3 percent of semen. The rest is seminal fluid: mostly water, plus about 50 compounds: sugar (to nourish sperm), immuno-suppressants (to keep women’s immune systems from destroying sperm), and oddly, two female sex hormones, and many mood-elevating compounds: endorphins, estrone, prolactin, oxytocin, thyrotropin-releasing hormone, and serotonin.”
In a comparison between women who ‘always’, ‘usually, or ‘never’’ used condoms, those who were exposed to semen, showed significantly better mood—fewer depressive symptoms, and fewer bouts of depression. However, compared to women who had no intercourse at all, the semen-exposed women showed more elevated mood and less depression. So it appears quite possible that the antidepressants in semen might have a real mood-elevating effect
Speaking of cum, you know whose genital juice tastes like cookies and cream? No one’s! We all have a taste down there, and some people may be self-conscious. However, as long as you’re healthy and on top of your hygiene, you should taste fine. On the other hand, according to Health.com, if you’d like to sweeten your sauce, try eating: pineapple, papaya, nutmeg, cinnamon, or celery!
Can pineapple make you taste nicer? Though there are no scientific studies that prove this yet, Koushik Shaw, MD, of the Austin Urology Institute in Texas, also previously told Health.com that eating foods with higher sugar content, like fruit, could possibly make bodily fluids taste a little sweeter. But that effect wouldn’t be noticeable right away—especially not in men, since “prostate fluid in ejaculate can be made weeks or months before,” he said.
In a 2016 study in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, approximately 900 heterosexual college students took part. They found out that, slightly more women than men (59% as opposed to 52%) reported giving oral sex to their partner. Unsurprisingly, more men than women (63% versus 44%) reported receiving oral sex. Men were also less likely to reciprocate after women went down on them, breaking a major rule of sexual etiquette: 26% of women and only 10% of men reported giving oral sex but not receiving it.
How to Practice Safe Oral Sex
You should avoid oral sex if either of you has sores or cuts around your mouth, genitals or anus, or a bleeding or infection in your throat or mouth.
The best barrier method you can use when giving oral to someone with a vagina is a dental dam. This is a thin latex barrier that you place over the vulva. You can order dental dams online or use a condom to create an alternative. According to Health.com, “The key to making oral sex safe is to avoid mouth-to-genital contact and the transmission of any bodily fluids. Condoms, including flavoured varieties, can be used to perform oral sex on men. For going down on women, thin sheets of latex called dental dams can be purchased online or in sex-toy stores.”
If you don’t have a dental dam, use a DIY option. Plastic wrap can also do the trick, says Dr. Rosser. “You can even cut a condom open lengthwise and use that if you need to,” she adds.
He doesn’t need to ejaculate for a blowjob to be enjoyable. Many guys don’t actually want going down to be the main event. According to a Cosmo poll, 54 percent of men like oral action as foreplay alone.
A man’s penis is highly sensitive, so be gentle at first and slowly work up to a faster pace. You can try different tongue, mouth and head movements to see what works best, but never use your teeth. When you give a man oral sex you can stop at any time and it’s up to you to decide if you want to let him ejaculate (or cum) in your mouth. Of course, if he’s wearing a condom this isn’t an issue, and it means you will both be protected against sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Without trying internal prostate play via fingering or toys, did you know you can also stimulate a guy’s prostate externally? Cara Kovacs, a NYC-based sex coach, suggests stimulating your guy’s perineum (located between his anus and balls) by gently massaging him while going down on him.
Giving oral sex to men can be switched up in a lot of ways. Blow jobs aren’t just sucking dick. Spit, use your tongue, lick it, use the balls, and even use their ass if they like it (and you’re into it too). Get creative. Use your hands too, this will allow you to control how much of the penis goes into your mouth/throat and gives you more control whilst performing the act. Sex is better when wet and slippery.
Being stimulated in multiple areas will help a woman reach climax more quickly. So while your partner’s tongue is at work, have them play with your nipples at the same time. When playing with nipples, in the beginning your partner should be soft and as you get closer to climax they can squeeze (if you’re into that). Cunnilingus is often associated with licking, which is well and good, but suction on your clitoris can also be extremely feel-good. But be gentle. There are over 8000 nerve endings there after all!
When giving a female oral, gently part the outer lips of the vagina and look for the vaginal opening, and the clitoris just above it. In order to heighten the experience, see what you’re dealing with! By spreading the labia during cunnilingus, this way, your partner has the space to approach the clitoris from all angles and sides. In addition to this, Cosmopolitan recommends that you get your partner familiar with the KIVIN METHOD –
“Instead of having your partner approach your clit in the north end of their oral compass, have them lie perpendicularly, so your clit is now located in the east or west positions. This way, they can lick your clit from the new north to south, aka side-to-side, for what some say is a truly game-changing oral experience.”
Performing oral sex on your partner’s anus (also known as rimming) can be part of any sexual relationship, whether gay, bisexual or straight. Avert recommends that “Before you begin, your partner may like it if you gently kiss and touch the area around the anus including the perineum (the area of skin between the genitals and the anus). You can then focus on the anus, circling your tongue around the outer area and finally inserting your tongue. Remember to listen to your partner and do what they enjoy, whether that’s licking, sucking or gently probing.”
Communication is key – during both – relationships and sex, so always figure out what you both enjoy, and listen to your partner. Avert also states that,
“If you are giving oral sex to a woman, don’t move from the anus to the vagina as this can transfer bacteria and cause infection. However, other STIs can easily be passed on during oral sex, in particular herpes, gonorrhoea and syphilis. Certain infections and viruses that are found in faeces (poo) can be passed on through oral–anal sex, this includes hepatitis A and E.coli.”
One of the hottest things to happen to me is have a guy cum solely off giving me oral sex. He didn’t touch himself once, nor did I touch him anywhere. Showing your partner you’re enjoying pleasuring them is a huge turn-on in itself, so don’t be afraid to show or tell them just how much you’re turned on.
Telling your partner they taste good, regardless of which gender you’re performing oral on will be a guaranteed turn-on, so get vocal! If they taste good, tell them! On the topic of being vocal, narrate what you’re doing/ planning on doing/ want to do to do to your partner, you’ll be surprised how much more you can arouse someone by just being that little bit more vocal.
Cosmopolitan have written an article on 35 ways to up your oral sex game (even more). They advise using sex toys during oral play, lube, sucking the clit, communicating your needs verbally with your partner, and many more tips. One of the tips being keeping undies on during oral / foreplay as it can be incredibly tantalizing for both sexes, the ultimate tease.
Also, with a little determination and imagination, you can turn pretty much any penetrative sex position into an oral sex position. Just like with intercourse, experimenting with new positions may crank up your chances of orgasm. Try out new positions when engaging in oral play, figure out what you like!
First of all, Happy 4/20 to all of the stoners out there reading this across the world. For those of you that don’t know, 4/20 is a worldwide concept that has been embraced since 1971. 4/20 is a global holiday for cannabis culture – an advocate day if you like – where people celebrate the plant. This day marks 4/20/2020, so today is a once in a lifetime for cannabis advocates out there. What are the benefits? What are the downsides? What’s the science behind it? The Pro’s and Con’s of stoner sex.
Stoner Sex can have many benefits when it comes to pleasure and the senses. We all know that, whether you smoke weed or not, marijuana is a relaxant that puts people in a said ‘zombie-like’ state. But is high sex really something to rave about? Let’s talk.
A Bit About Cannabis
The Cannabis plant has a history of medicinal use dating back thousands of years across many cultures. The plant can be used recreationally or medicinally for a variety of things, such as being able to reduce nausea and vomiting during chemotherapy, to improve appetite in people with HIV/AIDS, and to treat chronic pain and muscle spasms.
Cannabis is often divided into two categories – Indica and Sativa. Both types affect you in different ways. Sativas are known for their “head high,” an invigorating, energizing effect that can help reduce anxiety or stress and increase creativity and focus. However, Indicas are typically associated with full-body effects, such as increasing deep relaxation. Heathline.com states that users typically gravitate toward sativa products because they can help increase sensitivity, lift mood, and intensify orgasm. Though, no two people react alike.
Therefore, the type of weed you consume can have quite an affect on your overall experience when getting high and having sex.
According to Ravishly.com , the CB1 receptor in the brain is affected when you smoke marijuana. This is a protein-initiated receptor in the brain, located in the central and peripheral nervous system.
It is activated naturally in the body but is also initiated by the compound THC. This receptor is directly linked to the reduction of pain and it can lead to a spike in sexual response by an increase in a sense of euphoria. Marijuana’s link to pain and nausea reduction is what has led many states to legalize it as a medicinal aid.
While cannabis is a safe substance, too much or the wrong method of intake can produce anxiety, which is detrimental to sex. Stress is one of the most common conditions medical marijuana is prescribed for. CBD has been shown to relieve anxiety, as has THC – in low doses. However, high amounts of THC can produce anxiety.
What is considered a large amount varies from person to person depending on your tolerance and metabolism.
The Pros of ‘High Sex’
A splurge in creativity, altered time and tactile perceptions have been the sexual benefits from using marijuana. In a book called Male Sexual Function: A Guide to Clinical Management by John Mulcahy he states that people’s objective’s change with the experience of being high when having sex,
“The majority of users describe more subjective benefits such as, greater enjoyment and satisfaction rather than objective benefits such as improved performance capabilities, however there are reports of enhanced sexual function when marijuana has been taken in the acute setting.”
Like previously mentioned, it’s commonly known that smoking often helps reduce anxiety, which is a major contributor to erectile dysfunction. So by being able to curb that symptom, it might bring you one step closer to lasting longer in bed.
Did you know that marijuana used to be used during interrogations as a ‘truth serum’? Well, you do now. Consider this fact your permission to tell it like it is during sex and give more directions. If an idea or fantasy pops into your head in the middle of sex, tell your partner what it is, and try it if you’re both down.
Now’s a great time to test out that new toy, or to try some sensation play due to your heightened senses. You probably don’t want to try anything too intense, like BDSM for the first time when you’re high, but a massage, an ice cube, a new vibrator … all of those sensations are going to feel even more heightened and intense when you’re stoned.
Cannabis.. An Aphrodisiac?
“Forget viagra, aphrodisiacs, sex dust, and ecstasy: Weed is the new tool for enhancing your sex life.” – Thrillist
It’s been shown that cannabis can act as an aphrodisiac, strengthening orgasms in women and boosting libido. “Sometimes when couples smoke marijuana, they take more time to have a fuller sensual experience and slow down, which would allow more time for vasocongestion (blood flow to genitals) and myotonia (muscular tension),” sex therapist Ian Kerner previously told Mic. He said weed can cause couples to feel “relaxed, comfortable and sexy, (which may) lead to a higher quality of orgasm.”
For centuries, marijuana has carried a reputation as an aphrodisiac and has even been referred to as the “foreplay drug”. For an article on Elite Daily, writer Sheena Sharma delves into her experience of stoned sex with a partner, who too, has never done it before. She expands on the sensualities felt, the length of the action, and the cotton mouth that comes with stoned sex. “Sex is one of those things where each moment and milli-moment should count. So from here on out, I’m definitely going to slow down my sexy time to live it up.”
As for the cons, the main ones are anxiety and “cotton mouth”. According to Fatherly, “Cotton mouth” refers to the feeling of dryness that smoking can induce. That’s because THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, can actually block the glands that produce saliva. Of course, that symptom can usually be remedied with a tall glass of water. “But smoking can also cause other areas to dry up, and that doesn’t exactly cater to good sex. “Cotton vagina,” as it turns out, is also very much of a real thing. “
However Bustle.com disagrees to some length on the “cotton vagina” side of things, “Last year, there was a rumor going around that “cotton vagina” was a real thing. It turned out to be mostly a hoax, but the truth is, you do get more dehydrated when you’re stoned, and that might extend to your vagina. I’m a proponent of lube in general, but when you’re high, it is often a must. It will help you stay wet, and will also help you and your partner have all the slippery benefits of an hour of cunnilingus when you might be feeling a bit lazy (not that you should skip the hour of cunnilingus if that’s what you feel like. Definitely recommend that, too).”
Cannabis Lube and other Non-Smoking Methods
Marijuana is now far more than just a plant to be smoked, pot is hitting the market in loads of different forms, edibles, energy drinks, massage oils, and even lube. It’s reefer madness!
The most popular (and obvious) ways to use weed for sex are through smoking, vaping, edibles, and lube. Vaping is another option for the more health-conscious, and edibles are a tried and tested method of getting way more stoned than you had anticipated.
Seattle-based Chelsea Cebara, a budtender and sexpert offering sex and cannabis workshops, discusses to Thrillist, how best to use cannabis as an erotic tool. “When I talk about cannabis lube in the sex and weed workshops, the No. 1 question I get is, ‘Is it gonna get me high?’” Chelsea said. “The short answer is no, the long answer is… it’s possible.”
Instead of making you high, topical cannabis lube causes these areas to be more sensitive and calls your attention to them. “The effect really comes during orgasm, when you come longer and harder. The aphrodisiac effect is not so much a physical sensation, it’s more akin to the natural flushing and engorgement experienced when you’re turned on. Like being distractingly horny.”
Cannabis lube works through a process called micro-capillary dilation. “It means tiny areas of capillaries that flush with blood, the same reason your eyes flush red when you smoke. This affects areas that are highly vascular: like areolas, clitorises, glans, and vaginas, which tend to have very highly vascularized anatomy in comparison to penises and scrotum”.
As for the effects, its effects begin around the 20-minute mark and reach their height at about 40 minutes. “If you have access to that kind of patience, go ahead and do it,” Chelsea said.
Like Anything… Everyone is Different
The sexual effects of alcohol, cocaine, meth and other narcotics – you name it- are well-documented and predictable. But not marijuana. Its sexual effects are completely different for most people, you hear reports ranging from “I can’t stand having sex stoned,” to “I never have sex without it.”
In a survey conducted by Psychology Today they constructed that a majority of respondents said smoking before sex helps enhance the experience. Of course, that’s not always the case. Everyone and every experience is different. A minority of participants said smoking kills their libido. Others said it depends on the dose, the strain and their mood.
One of the survey participants stated that, “I find that indica shortly before sex is just unbeatable for mind-blowing lovemaking. Sativa should be avoided as it’s cerebral nature will make your mind wander.“
However, who says you need a partner? Masturbation is sex, and adding marijuana to your sensual self-care routine can potentially be one of the most effective ways to enjoy the plant’s erotic properties. Happy 4/20!
For years the “daddy” dynamic in relationships has remained almost entirely a secret phenomena to those outside of the BDSM sphere. In fact it even became a fashion trend at some point in the last few years, to call attractive older men “daddy” as part of an aesthetic, which Lana Del Ray is partly to blame for. Shockingly, there were 13/14 year old girls at the time referring to men whom they found attractive as “daddy”. This is disturbing because they don’t understand what they’re inciting. The Internet also has a huge part to play in glamourising and self-diagnosing ‘daddy issues’.
Once you move past the initial reactions and delve into the reasoning behind DD/LG, it’s not actually as strange as you might think. It builds on some very basic human instincts and emotions.
This kind of BDSM dynamic involves the submissive being treated as both princess and juvenile, being pampered and spoiled for her good behaviors and punished for her bad behaviours. And with the rise of men receiving this nickname, it’s time we start talking about what this really means.
What is DD/LG?
DD/LG stands for Daddy Dom and Little Girl, it’s a part of the BDSM community. The partner to a “daddy” is a “little girl.”
Kinkly.com defines the word ‘Daddy’ as, “In the world of BDSM, a daddy is a dominant male who takes on the role of a father-like figure. While daddies are often very domineering and authoritative, they are also usually very protective, much like a real father would be. This type of dominant figure in BDSM is most recognized in daddy and little girl relationships, where the little girls are actually adult women playing a role. During this type of age play, adult women may dress and behave just like little girls.”
With this kink, men take care of their “littles,” providing toys and discipline. The littles, in turn, bring a joyful, and childlike innocence to the relationship. The DDLG community is widely spoken about on Tumblr, where people express their desires to submit to a Daddy, or exploit their sexual relationship with their dominant/ submissive other online.
According to one report, slang use of the word “daddy” dates back to 1681, when prostitutes began adopting the term as a way to refer to their pimps. Pop culture has helped keep things alive since then.
The “Daddy” trend, of course, extends well beyond the heterosexual community. According to PornHub’s 2018 Year In Review report, searches for the term “Daddy” experienced significant growth on the PornHub Gay page. While it didn’t reach the ‘most searched’ status, “Daddy” did make it into the top five.
Why Do People Call Their Partner’s “Daddy”?
The general consensus implies that women call their partners “daddy” because they are into submitting to male authority figures. As for the name, the dominant is of a higher power, therefore they often want to be referred to as a title such as sir/ master however, some use “Daddy”. But just to be clear, this isn’t because they want their actual dad to fuck them. One can assume the role of Daddy/Mommy or boy/boi/girl regardless of their actual age or gender.
Sex therapist Vanessa Marin says to VICE, “Yes, ‘daddy’ can mean ‘father,’ but we also use the word to indicate when someone is the boss, in charge, a protector, or doing a good job. That’s usually the meaning women are going for in the bedroom. It’s a bit of a 70s porn cliche. I’ve never run across a woman who called her partner ‘daddy’ because she genuinely liked fantasizing that he was her father.”
Calling your partner “daddy” isn’t incest, just as calling your partner “baby” does not suggest pedophilia. It’s not just men perpetuating this dynamic, either. According to PornHub’s analytic team, women are actually 96 percent more likely to search for “Dad” and “Daddy” compared to men.
A common theory many people hold is that those who enjoy DD/LG relationships have some level of childhood trauma that they are trying to make up for. This is an interesting consideration, as for some people, it can hold very true, and for others, it will be completely wrong.
Urban Dictionary defines ‘daddy issues’ as – and I quote – “The result of a messed up relationship with one’s father, or having an absent father. Results in younger women chasing older men and even seeking mistreatment in some cases.”
A recent study in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences rebuffs the notion of daddy issues with regards to women dating older men, suggesting no difference in attachment styles. Despite this, the stereotype is rampant.
Isn’t It Pretty Much Pedophilia/ Incest?
Despite what some may believe, acting as a ‘daddy’ has nothing to do with pedophilia, nor does it have anything to do with incest. It mimics the nurturing relationship between a father and child. A relationship with a ‘daddy’ is more about being able to let go of one’s responsibilities and let a warm, dominant figure take the reins.
Those outside of the kink community are often disgusted by this fetish as they think it feeds into a problem society has with sexualizing children. Sites that advocate BDSM more than not, feel the need to mention that the DD/LG sub-category of BDSM strictly DOES NOTpromote incest or pedophilia. This is because both participants are consensual adults, who play on the dynamic of a bond between father and daughter as opposed to fantasizing about a relationship about their actual father or daughter. It’s an extended play on dominant and submissive.
A d/s relationship is based on authority, power and control. The submissive gives the authority to him. After he has authority, he exercises power and control over her. Always remember that authority is NEVER taken from the submissive. It is given to him. To read more about BDSM and the consensual practices surrounding it, click here.
Personally, when with a new partner, I always shave down there. However, that is only because it makes me feel more confident, I feel as though there’s just something sexy about being completely naked, bare, and exposed. However, that isn’t the case 100% of the time. I’m sure many other females can relate. Plus, removing hair can cause bumps, ingrown hairs, cuts etc… it’s a sensitive area (for both genders) and you need to look after it.
On the other hand, I can’t help but notice that not many men remove their hair down there? But of course, every woman they go with is expected to be pristine. Personally, I don’t really notice that much of a difference as to whether a man has shaved or not, but regardless it’s the same principle – pubic hair is still on your privates.
So just WHY are men so bothered about a woman being shaved/waxed, yet women seemingly… don’t care? Maybe porn has a part to play, in their vision of what a ‘perfect naked body’ should look like. Why is it that most porn star’s are bald down there? Do women maintain a bush primarily to defy modern society’s standards of what’s sexy? Or is it because they want one? And just why are women SO judged about this?!
The Female Bush
The female bush has been sexualized for years, and more so in the 70s where it was deemed as fashionable, which began influencing people’s sexual preferences. The bush was celebrated in every single porn magazine, meanwhile now it’s merely a section amongst many porn categories – I’d say pubic hair is regarded as more of a fetish nowadays.
Beauty standards surrounding pubic hair have come a long way in the last few years. Once viewed as taboo, having anything other than a Brazilian is finally losing its stigma. Shave, wax, trim, do nothing—the point is, the choice is yours.
But why do women want a bush? Yes, it’s less maintenance – but come on now – let’s talk about the real stuff. Speaking as a woman, a woman like many others, who has wondered what it would be like to have a ‘bush’ – just how do you do it?
How to Grow a Bush?
For those interested in growing a bush, Refinery29.com states that (obviously) you must stop shaving and waxing completely in order for the hair to grow. In order to maintain your bush, you can buy pubic hair oils or even beard oils to condition the hair making it smooth, but you must avoid using standard hair conditioning products.
Upon reflection, we should probably all stop shaving and let our hair grow out, but a bush isn’t always a possibility for some people. Not everyone can grow a bush! Having wanted to feel the sense of empowerment a bush can apparently give you, and being able to avoid shaving bumps, a writer for Medium.com tried to grow out a bush. The result? She couldn’t. Not everyone can. Read her bush journey here.
The Pro’s and Con’s of the Bush
Having a bush is actually very beneficial in terms of your health, New York City–based holistic gynecologist Dr. Eden Fromberg says to Vogue, “Pubic hair exists to protect our delicate areas and encourages a diverse and often quite healthy microbiome, which keeps us in balance while preventing infection.”
Growing a bush will also save you huge amounts of money, by not having to buy razors or book in for waxing treatments. Plus, it’s one less thing you have to maintain.
We all know that shaving can cause lumps, bumps, rashes and sometimes ingrown hairs, but your hair grows there to act as a protective layer. Having hair down there can reduce the risk of catching some STI’s, and avoids problems of unsanitary salons all together. Plus, if you’re not constantly shaving down there, you avoid the spiky regrowth stage!
According to Heathline.com, on the other side of things, having a bush can increase the risk of pubic lice, which are apparently now ‘going extinct’ due to the amount of people maintaining a full Hollywood and excessively grooming downstairs. The only other downside of having a bush is that those who groom are probably more likely to engage in, or receive oral sex. (However this isn’t necessarily true).
Removing Pubic Hair
Your genitals are an extremely sensitive area, which is why – in hindsight – you should leave it to its own devices. However, some of us gain confidence and a sexual prowess from being completely bald down there, but like anything you should be aware of the risks.
Clinical Professor at Yale University of Medicine, Dr. Mary Jane Minkin states that if you want to try grooming down there, always use a sharp razor on wet skin to lessen the chances of cutting yourself or getting razor burn. Also, you must NEVER use Nair or chemical hair removal creams around your genitals unless they’re specifically formulated for that area.
According to Heathline.com, 73 percent of guys and 55.6 percent of women favor hair removal before sex, and this really doesn’t surprise me. However, if shaving it bare before doing the tango makes you feel sexy, confident and free who is anyone to judge? Likewise, if growing your hair out makes you feel sexy, confident and free, who am I or anybody else to judge?
Some doctors even say that pubic hair acts like our vagina’s eyelashes or eyebrows in the way that it keeps unwanted dirt or bacteria from entering the body. It also acts as a barrier between the sensitive skin down there and friction-causing activities i.e. sex.
Is the Bush Making a Comeback?!
According to Glamour Magazine, a lot of celebrities have spoken out about their grooming habits in recent years due to the stigma attached to pubic hair decreasing. Celebrities such as, Amber Rose, Ashley Graham, Emma Watson, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Cameron Diaz, have all revealed they like to grow out their lady gardens.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s bush had to take a quick vacay when she wore a sheer dress to the Iron Man 3 premiere. “Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor,” she shared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show in 2013. “I work a ’70s vibe…You know what I mean?“
Sex icon Cameron Diaz is also a pubic hair advocate, Diaz’s ‘The Body Book’, devotes an entire chapter to pubic hair, aptly titled “In Praise of Pubes.”
But while it seems that the au natural look is back, it is far more than a fad or trend resurrected from the ’70s. For many women in 2020, body hair has inherent social implications that range from self-love to fighting the patriarchy. The bush is deemed as a sense of female empowerment to do what YOU want to do with your body, whilst simultaneously embracing your natural-born sexuality. Who knew pubes could be so political?
P.s. Whilst bored in quarantine why not take a quiz to see ‘What Bush is Right for You?’ or read my most recent article about Anal Sex: Shit Happens. If you have any topics you would like to be covered on the blog, or any questions – don’t hesitate to get in touch or e-mail. All conversations are confidential and will be kept anonymous – email@example.com