Threesomes: Are They All They Make Out To Be?

Photo Credit: @Alamy

What struck me was that before this point it had never really occurred to me that threesomes were something that ‘regular’ people did. To me it was something left to the realms of pornography, celebrity, or perhaps those at the very fringes of society.” Ryan Scoats, ‘Understanding Threesomes; Gender, Sex, and Consensual Non-Monogamy

The normality of threesomes is growing in popular culture. Regularly featured in a wide array of media publications and websites, there is a strong argument that threesomes have become a risqué, but nonetheless socially accepted, perhaps even expected, part of a contemporary young person’s sexual repertoire of experiences.

A lot of the articles online discussing threesomes delve into couples wanting a threesome, and how to go about who to choose, the do’s and don’ts, if you’re completely ready, it’s consensual from both sides of the spectrum, and whether to have it with a rando or a friend. There’s not actually much info on threesomes for single people, who are also interested in exploring that avenue. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to fuck a couple in order to have a threesome either, it can be done in MANY ways.

Why Have A Threesome?

Speaking to The Guardian, last year Dr Ryan Scoats of Coventry University published ‘Understanding Threesomes’ – the first in-depth study on threesomes in 30 years. He had found that the motivations went far beyond straightforward novelty-seeking, from ticking it off a sexual “bucket list”, to settling psychological debts – for example, by leveling the score with an unfaithful partner. One woman who had cheated on her husband in a threesome later repeated the experience with him as payback.

“It can be an absolute sex romp,” says Scoats. “It can be about power, it can be about fun and excitement, it can be about alcohol. It can be that it was just there, and ‘Why not?’ And it can be all of these things, and none of these things.

Some study participants told Scoats that they had gone ahead with it primarily for someone else’s benefit – a motivation he termed “sexual altruism”. It might be that their partner had a threesome fantasy that they didn’t necessarily share, or that they wanted to act on same-sex attraction within a mixed-sex relationship (especially common among women).

Are You Comfortable?

The general consensus implied that threesomes with your friends, and people you know are a lot better than having it with rando’s, in more ways than one. The intimate experience shared between three people can bring you a lot closer, in ways you didn’t feel were possible. Rarely do threesomes actually take place with three complete total strangers. Another common threesome scenario is couples, where they bring in an added extra to their sex life, to spice things up a bit. That person is often referred to as a ‘unicorn’ in the sex world.

As much as I probably would have a threesome, and like the idea of it, I don’t quite know how I’d feel about a hot (random) couple suggesting the idea… I think I’d think it was a ploy to murder me and get paranoid – refraining me from engaging in the act. Which I guess is why threesomes with friends appeals to people a lot more, because it’s… safer? I guess?

Most females stated they would feel safer having a threesome FFM because it’s more intimidating with two men, and the woman would generally feel more comfortable in that situation with another woman, rather than another man.

Findings suggest: that although some women perceived MMF threesomes to be potentially objectifying and unsafe, this referred to a very specific type of MMF threesome—ones that did NOT include men engaging in same-sex sex interaction. In contrast, threesomes which did include men who interacted together sexually were seen as less objectifying, safer, and a potential source of arousal.

Bringing A Third Into Your Relationship

Photo Credit: Axel Bueckert/Getty Images/EyeEm

Once you’ve decided your relationship can handle a ménage à trois, then comes the actual hard part: figuring out how to have a sexy, romantic, drama-free threesome. P.s. best friends and boyfriend do not mix.

“Attempting a three-way doesn’t necessarily mean you’re courting catastrophe. It can definitely open the door for things to get weird or go wrong, though. But as long as you’re both all in, you’ve built a solid foundation of trust and communication, and you all respect the safety of everyone involved, threesomes can be a whole new way to expand your sexual repertoire. Do you share a fantasy you feel safe exploring together? Are you equally comfortable with trying a tri? Or is one of you doing it just to please the other — or to fish the relationship out of the toilet?” Says Paul Joannides, PsyD and author of ‘The Guide to Getting It On‘, to Greatest.com. Joannides continues,

“Before you even begin to look for a third player, you need to be crystal clear with yourself – and your partner – about why you want to have a threesome in the first place.”

Apps like 3nder specialise in threesome connections. And some regular dating sites have options for polyamorous couples looking for ways to recruit another partner. Whether you’re seeking someone online or off, it’s probably good to avoid friends and former lovers, Joannides advises. There’s no need to re-open old wounds from previous broken relationships, or make things forever awkward with a friend because you now can’t un-see their O face.

Also, make sure you and your partner are feeling sexual chemistry with the third wheel, a threesome is not going to be enjoyable for everyone if there’s one person who’s just not into it. Metro states, “Same-sex threesomes like F/F/F and M/M/M are kind of easy. Everyone is (generally) attracted to each other. But if you’re in a F/M/M or M/F/F threesome, or two people aren’t attracted to each other, things can get tricky. More pressure is put on one person to please the other two – and it can be exhausting.” An anonymous source has very kindly written in to Shit Happens, and they also back up this concept,

Confession #1 “I was fifteen and I did it with a couple which resulted in their break-up

All of my threesomes have been spontaneous, I’ve done MMF, FFM, and FFF. My first experience wasn’t the best. I was fifteen and I did it with a couple which resulted in their break-up. It was sober, but not planned. I didn’t experiment with threesomes again until I was 18 and that was FFF, so I was way more into it. My most recent one was MMF, not sober in the slightest and it wasn’t awkward at all. However, I do believe that if one of the parties is shit in bed, then it lets the side down.” Anon, London, 23

‘Opening up’ a monogamous relationship is often perceived as a threat to its long-term stability, either by reflecting a weakened commitment or by giving rise to jealousy. That can certainly be the case, says cultural anthropologist and writer of ‘Plays Well in Groups: A Journey Through the World of Group Sex’, Katherine Frank. “You can’t control what happens with two people. What makes you think you could with three?

People say, ‘You need to overcome your jealousy’, and that can sound really great when you’re sober in the daylight, but a lot of sex is subconscious. Something can suddenly hit you: ‘He moved her hair in a certain way’ – those things can trigger a jealous response that’s not even rational, that may be fleeting or intense.”

In general, Frank cautions against having too many expectations of how threesomes might go, especially for the first time: “The fantasy almost never lives up to the reality.” Equally important: what won’t be happening? Everything is up for discussion here. Is kissing off the cards? Is penetration off the cards, or is it fine as long as no one ejaculates in anyone else? Whoever is invited into the bedroom with you should never leave feeling like they’ve caused the rift between the two people in a relationship to get bigger. Sex should be a pleasurable, positive experience for all parties involved.

Which Age Bracket Loves Threesomes the Most?

Credit: @lucymacaroni

The truth is, many threesomes are driven by a desire for novelty. For younger people, the “consumer sexuality” view, may be to maximise their experience before settling down into a relationship. But Tell Me What You Wantauthor and sex researcher, Lehmiller’s data shows college students are actually the least likely group to fantasize about threesomes.

Instead, Lehmiller found, interest in threesomes peaked around aged 40 and remained high for about the next 20 years before declining. “Most of these people are in long-term, monogamous relationships, and they are looking at threesomes as a way of injecting novelty into their sex life,” he says.

Analytics of the porn streaming site ‘Pornhub’ shows that ‘threesome’ was the second most commonly viewed category of pornography by women in 2018, and the eighth most viewed category overall – across all viewers. (Porn Hub’s 2018 Year in Review, 2019). So is it really a surprise that so many people are up for bringing someone else into the mix?! It is a fantasy many people seem to get off on.

Food for Thought

Facilitating real-life threesomes has become easier with the creation of location-based smartphone apps such as Tinder, Grindr, and even some dedicated to finding threesomes, such as Feeld (formally 3nder), 3somer, and Trippple. Location-based apps allow users to find others looking for the same thing (be this dating, casual sex, etc.), sorted by geographical proximity so you can have fun wherever you are in the world!

As fun as threesomes seem, there is a lot of thinking that needs to go into it. Such as facilitating the correct use of protection when swapping partners, and… just when do they leave? GQ Magazine states, “Logically, you’ll want to have some cool-down and cleaning-off time, maybe offer them a drink, but, are they staying over? If they aren’t, and you don’t have good public transport links, are you paying for their Uber? If they are, are you making them breakfast? What are you allowed to do with your third while one of you is out of the room?” Just a few things to think about before engaging in your first threesome.

Confession #2 “ONE OF THE BEST SEX EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!

“It was a Tuesday, me and my friends ended up going on a spontaneous night out to an Irish bar (with plans to get home at a decent time). It got messy. We then met three guys (all in their thirties) with whom ended up coming back home with us.

We got back to the flat and got fucked up for a few hours. Normally I’m the first to go to bed, so I don’t have to be the one to kick anyone out, but because I liked one of the guys, I ended up being the last. Both of my flat mates went to bed and left me in the lounge – alone. One of the guys decided to go home. So it was just me and these two lads.

This is where it got a bit uncomfortable for me, as I wanted to take one of them to my room but the other guy was like “you go, and I’ll stay here and wait”. I thought, no way… that’s a bit weird? But then the other guy said “why don’t we both just fuck you then?” And because I’d never had a threesome before I thought, I’m fully up for this, I’m gonna do it! I think to start with I was quite dominant in who was where, and what I wanted. I never thought in a million years it would even happen!

So, next minute I’m sucking one of them off whilst the other one was fucking me. Then at one point, I actually was having anal and sex at the same time – and it was incredible! It went on for ages, all across the living room. I had never been chucked around so much in my life, and the sex was AMAZING! The two lads didn’t want to do anything to each other, so they just took in turns with me. I think we continued doing this till about 8am, and then when I woke up the next morning I realised I didn’t get either of their numbers and will probably never see them again. Gutted. But it is definitely up there as one of the best sex experiences of my life.” Anon, Sheffield, 22

THANK YOU!

I just want to use this post to thank everybody that has taken part so far in this new project of mine, and also I’d like to thank everybody that reads these articles and likes/ follows/ shares the page. Your interaction is SO appreciated. Don’t feel as though there’s anything you CAN’T talk about with me, my DM’s and e-mail is always open, as are my thoughts. Even if it’s just a general question and you want a second opinion, but you’re too embarrassed to ask friends or your partner – please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Our conversations will remain completely anonymous unless you request otherwise. Whilst you’re here why not read my most recent article? The Female Orgasm & Squirting: The Truths!

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