Have you ever been asked “What’s your love language?” Nah me either until YESTERDAY. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner (tomorrow), when is it better to talk about love languages? The love languages describe five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. Knowing your partner’s love language and letting them know yours can help you both feel loved and appreciated.
The five love languages were developed by author and couples counselor Gary Chapman, PhD in 1992 in his book ‘The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.’ If you’ve ever been in a relationship and encountered a problem that felt like you were fundamentally misunderstanding your partner (and who hasn’t?), your online search has probably led you to the “What is your love language?” question and/or quiz.
When counseling couples Dr.Chapman began to recognise a pattern, he realised the couples were misunderstanding one another’s needs. Even love can sometimes get lost in translation when two partners speak different love languages.
The five love languages are: acts of service, gift-giving, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. Not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise, people have different ways they prefer to receive love. When we know what another person’s love language is, we can choose the gestures that will most resonate with our partner, friend, parent or child. Nearly everyone wants to show their partner that they care about them, yet many people struggle to do it in a way that speaks to their loved one’s heart. However, when we know which actions speak to us and make us feel loved, we can ask other people for exactly what we need.
After many years of counseling couples in crisis, Dr. Chapman says, “It became apparent to me that what makes one person feel loved isn’t always the same for their spouse or partner,” he explains. “I discovered every person understands and receives love in a specific language, one of five to be precise. The other four are just as important and offer [other] ways to express love to each other.”
Physical Touch
People with physical touch as their love language feel loved when they receive physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, and sex. Physical intimacy and touch can be incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful emotional connector for people with this love language. People who communicate their appreciation through this language, when they consent to it, feel appreciated when they are hugged, kissed, or cuddled.
Gifts
Gifts is a pretty straightforward love language: You feel loved when people give you “visual symbols of love”. However, don’t misinterpret this – this isn’t about materialistic gifts, but rather the symbolic thought behind the item. People with this style recognise and value the gift-giving process: the careful reflection, the deliberate choosing of the object to represent the relationship, and the emotional benefits from receiving the present. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into it.
Words of Affirmation
When this is someone’s primary love language, they enjoy kind words of appreciation and encouragement as well as frequent compliments, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person’s day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.
Quality Time
People whose love language is quality time feel the most adored when their partner actively wants to spend time with them and is always ready to hang out. They particularly love active listening, eye contact, and full presence when they are talking to you. Love and affection are expressed for someone with this love language through undivided attention. The person feels loved if you are present and focused on them. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the tablet, making eye contact, and actively listening. Affirm what the other person is saying and refrain from offering advice.
Acts of Service
If your love language is acts of service, you value when your partner goes out of their way to make your life easier. It’s things like helping you with house chores, making you breakfast in the morning, or running the bath for you after a hard day at work. This love language is for people who believe that actions speak louder than words. They love when people do little things for them and often can be found doing these acts of service for others.
Well there you have it – the five love languages. Hopefully after reading this you are more enlightened to what both you, and your partner are after when it comes to your own languages of love. Remember – just because a certain thing is your love language, doesn’t mean it is also your partners. If you really want to show someone how much you love them, you need to understand them first.
Redeisgned Pride Flag of 2021 including intersex people (“Intersex” is the term that a person may use when they have both male and female sex characteristics). Intersex columnist and media personality Valentino Vecchietti designed the new rendition of the rainbow Pride flag.
First of all, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!
The world of genders and sexualities is a glorious yet heavily misunderstood topic. As the world is moving forward in terms of progression with equality in the LGBTQ+ community, it’s important that cis people and – heck – everyone else help keep that momentum going by educating yourself and becoming more open minded and accepting of what you may not have previously understood. For those that don’t know, LGBTQ+ is an acronym for: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer. People of all sexualities under the LGBTQ+ umbrella may also identify as queer. They may use the term “queer” to reclaim it, as historically many have used the term as a slur. Unless a person is a member of the LGBTQ+ community, it is generally not a good idea to use this term.
Although it looks like we have come far in terms of the western world for example, gay relationships are now broadcasted on television, as are gay and trans actors. However, same-sex marriage is only legal in 29 out of 195 countries in the world (just under 15%), it’s still illegal to be LGBTQ+ in 70 countries, and you could be given the death penalty in 12. Therefore, we as humans, still have a long way to go to help get these people in the LGBTQ+ community the respect and rights that they deserve – all over the world.
Sexuality/ Sexual Orientation
A person’s sexuality, or sexual orientation, determines whom they do, or do not, feel attraction toward. This attraction is typically sexual or romantic. Sexual attraction typically describes a person’s desire to have sex or form a sexual relationship with other people. It also often describes physical attraction, or lack thereof, toward others. Romantic attraction can describe a person’s expression of love within a relationship. This relationship does not have to be sexual, and a person does not have to experience both romantic and sexual attraction in order to have a sexuality.
There are a lot of sexual orientations, and people who identify with one or more may find that their sexuality changes over time. This is perfectly normal — a person’s orientation can be fluid. They may also sit under an umbrella term but not find a label that accurately describes their experience. Some terms you may have heard more of recently are, pansexual (people who feel attraction toward people of all genders and sexes), bisexual (have an attraction to both men and women), and asexual (lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity). For someone who is searching for the perfect word to describe their sexual desires, this could take them a step closer to finding sexual liberation.
Educate Yourself!
It all boils down to education. People are people. Love is love. As long as the relationship is between two consenting adults, it really is nobody else’s business. Discriminating or judging someone over how they choose to look or live their life really says more about you, than it does them. You should be free to live life how you want to, and if you don’t want to live life as the gender you were assigned at birth, you now have the option to change that. As a cis person you will never thoroughly understand because you’ve never experienced that feeling, but if you listen to some trans people’s stories it can help give you an insight to their realities as a trans person; their life before and after. ‘Pose’ on BBC iPlayer and ‘It’s A Sin’ on Channel 4 are two really good drama series which takes you back to what being gay or trans in the 80s was like and the torment they had to go through just to be able to be themselves.
So, what is gender identity? Gender identity is how a person chooses to identify their gender. Seems simple, right? However, there are lots of genders on the spectrum way more than just two, but in our society the genders that are most recognised are male and female (called the gender binary) and usually it is based on someone’s anatomy (the genitals they were born with). This is gender assignment and it is based on an assumption that someone’s genitals match their gender. However, gender isn’t about someone’s anatomy, it is about who they know themselves to be. There are many different gender identities, including male, female, transgender, gender neutral, non-binary, agender, pangender, and all, none or a combination of these.
Why Are Pronouns Important?
Even if you do identify with the sex assigned to you at birth, as an ally, it’s important to understand the language behind gender-related terms. It’s also important to remember that similar to sexuality, gender can be fluid. For this reason, you must keep in mind that someone’s gender identity may change over time. And that’s okay.
Pronouns are important because you’re respecting the person you’re addressing. By mis-pronouning someone you’re disrespecting them, whether you think so or not. By assuming a person’s pronouns, you’re projecting a message that people must look a certain way to be able to use their pronouns. Just ask!
So whether you identify with one of these terms or just want to become a better ally, here are 11 terms and definitions essential to creating a more inclusive, understanding and respectful environment for everyone.
Term
Meaning
Agender
A person who identifies as agender might experience an absence of any gender feelings or affiliation. (Remember that “a” as a prefix means “absence of something,” so agender = absence of gender.)
Sex
If we’re talking about someone’s sex, we’re talking about what they were assigned at birth, based on external genitalia.
Gender
While sex is based on biology, chromosomes, and what doctors assign at birth and write on the birth certificate, gender is a social construct, meaning something that was created by humanity, complete with its own set of “rules” and expectations. As such, individuals may identify with a different gender than what they were assigned at birth.
Cisgender
Often abbreviated to “cis” refers to people whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. So if you were born with a penis and you feel and consider yourself to be male, you’d be a cisgender male.
Transgender
Often abbreviated to”trans” refers to someone whose gender does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth. For example, a transgender man is someone who was assigned female at birth but has transitioned (or is transitioning) to expressing a male gender identity, and a transgender woman is someone who was assigned male at birth but has transitioned (or is transitioning) to expressing a female gender identity.
Genderqueer
A genderqueer person may identify as neither gender, both, or a combination. They do not subscribe to the traditional gender binary.
Non-Binary
Non-binary is an umbrella term for people whose gender is not just male or female. This word may have different meanings to different people. Non-binary is anyone outside of gender, or someone who is transgender, or people who don’t fall strictly within the binary at all. Someone can be trans, gender fluid, genderqueer, and non-binary all at the same time.
Orientation
Sexual orientation is completely separate from gender identity. One refers to who you’re attracted to, while the other refers to your gender. This is important and often misunderstood. While someone who is non-binary or trans may identify as gay or bisexual, various gender identities can also have a heterosexual sexual orientation.
Gender Fluid
A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more male some days, and more female other days.
Asexual
An adjective used to describe people who do not experience sexual attraction (e.g., asexual person)
Polyamorous
Describes people who have consensual relationships that involve multiple partners. Polyamorous people talk openly with their partners about having, or having the desire to have sexual and/or emotional relationships with multiple people and often set ground rules for their relationships.
Instagram via @shshithappens / FUN FACT: One testicle always hangs a little lower than the other so they don’t hit off each other when a man is moving.
Whatever you happen to call it – Cock, Dick, Willy, Schlong, Todger, Tom, or Jerry – the penis is a peculiar body part – but an incredibly vital body part nonetheless. The penis – just like the vagina – is essential to the survival of our species. When you consider the penis as an evolutionary adaptation, it has done remarkably well. All of us can say without too much doubt that our father’s penis worked, as did our grandfather’s, and his father’s, and so on, right back through successive generations until we reach far beyond the existence of mankind.
Memorialised in monuments, Greek statues, school-books and graffiti everywhere, the penis may be the most famous and arguably the most spoken about human organ on the planet. But despite it’s seemingly simple exterior, how much do you really know about penises? Given they’ve been swinging around for years, you might be surprised by just how many facts you never knew. So here goes!
Erections Are Complicated.
An average male experiences 11 erections per day, many of them while asleep. The average number of erections a man has during the night is nine lasting between 25-35 minutes. The standard male orgasm lasts six seconds, while women get an average of 23 seconds.
Achieving an erection is one of the most complex functions to happen in a man, Dr. Reitano says: “For starters, hormones must be released on demand, arteries need to carry six times more blood to the penis with perfect efficiency, the nervous system must transmit its signals without a hitch, and the mind must be working in perfect harmony with the body.” The ability to get and sustain an erection, he says, depends upon “a body that is perfectly tuned physically, psychologically, and emotionally.” The inability to achieve an erection, a.k.a. erectile dysfunction, is usually the first sign of poor health, according to Reitano.
According to Health, morning wood is a good sign: Waking up with a hard-on is a normal thing for guys; it has nothing to do with how horny he is but the biological fact that testosterone levels are highest in the a.m. If a man stops having morning erections, however, it could mean that something’s up with his health. Two weeks without one necessitates a trip to a doctor, suggests Dr. Reitano. You can read more about Erectile Dysfunction here.
You’re Born With One and You Can Die With One
That’s it…Erections! Did you know that it’s common for babies to exit the womb with an erection? You do now! Even before the moment of birth, ultrasound scans can show a fetus with a fully formed erection. Weird. According to a study from 1991, fetal erections occur most commonly during random eye movement (REM) sleep, and they can happen a number of times each hour. No one is quite sure why, but it might just be our body’s way of testing things out and keeping them running correctly.
The final erection:So, we’ve established that you can get erections in the womb and during sleep, but this is perhaps even more surprising: the death erection. Also called ‘angel lust’ or ‘terminal erection’, it happens in the moments after death. Most commonly, it occurs in men who have died from hanging.
How Many Times Do You Ejaculate on Average in a Lifetime?
The average man will experience around 7,200 ejaculations in his lifetime and the average number of times a man will ejaculate from masturbation in a lifetime is around 2,000.
Fun Fact – Fast & Furious: The average speed of ejaculation is 28 miles per hour.
The Angle of the Dangle
A man’s erection can point in pretty much any direction. Straight up, ahead, down, left or right – there’s no right or wrong. The data below comes from a study that measured the erections of 1,484 men. In the figures below, if the penis pointed directly up, it was measured as 0 degrees, and if it was forward-pointing (horizontal), it would be 90 degrees:
0–30 degrees – 4.9 percent of men
30–60 degrees – 29.6 percent of men
60–85 degrees – 30.9 percent of men
85–95 degrees – 9.9 percent of men
95–120 degrees – 19.8 percent of men
120–180 degrees – 4.9 percent of men
So, if you’ve ever been concerned that your wood is a bit ski-whiff, don’t worry – you’re normal.
Grower or a Show-er?
The average erect penis is about 5.56 inches (14 cm) long, according to a 2013 study detailed in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that surveyed 1,661 men. But variety is the spice of life, and men in that study had members that ranged from 1.6 inches (4cm) long to 10.2 inches (26 cm) long. So most penises are around the same size when erect which is actually between 6-7 inches (minus the anomolies).
When men are smaller or larger than average, it’s not by much. “Almost every man is between 4 and 6 inches, and maybe 15% of men have a penis over 7 inches in length,” Michael Reitano, MD, physician in residence at men’s health company Roman, tells Health.
A study on 274 men demonstrated that there is no correlation between the length of a flaccid penis and its erect size. Some start small and end up large (a grower), while some are large when flaccid and only grow a little when erect (a show-er). Some are even small whatever state they are in, and some are large when flaccid and get much larger. It’s a mixed bag. There’s no correlation between how big a guy is when he’s hanging loose and how large he is erect.
Penis anxiety is real and common: in a study published in September 2013 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 30 percent of a sample of British men were very dissatisfied with their penis size. The study found no link, however, between size anxiety and actual penis size. Despite reports that lots of men worry about their penis size, they shouldn’t. 85% of women are said to be totally satisfied with their partner’s package. For those that still worry, here’s another reassuring thing: vaginas typically adjust themselves to any size or length. However, penile tissue can also become less elastic if a guy doesn’t get regular erections, meaning his penis could shrink by a centimeter or two if he doesn’t use it enough.
The Biggest and the Smallest
Who has the biggest human penis in the world? Reportedly, a man called Jonah Falcon from New York has the biggest schlong on record – 13.5 inches (although, not totally verified). JEEZ!
A study conducted by the University of Ulster found that men in the Democratic Republic of the Congo have the biggest average penis size in the world at 7.1 inches.
North Korea apparently has the smallest penises on average (3.8 inches). Only 3% of men worldwide are over 8 inches and only 6% of men actually need extra large condoms. So men that say their penis is too big to fit inside a condom… y’all probably lying.
Sucks to be Shrew: The shrew has the smallest penis of the animal kingdom, typically just 0.2 inches. The largest penis on the other hand, is from a sperm whale, standing at 6 feet tall and weighing nearly 150 pounds!
According to the sexologist Alfred Kinsey, who, during the 1940s conducted epic research into human sexuality – on average – one in a thousand men are flexible enough to orally pleasure themselves.
Drop the Cigs! Smoking Can Shorten Your Penis!
Because smoking reduces blood flow to the penis, it can shorten the average penis by up to 0.4 inches (1 cm), studies have found. It has also been proven that smoking increases men’s chances of impotency (erectile dysfunction). The solution? Stub it out, lads.
You Can Be Born with Two Penises
Very rarely, a man may be born with two penises, a genetic condition that affects every 5 million to 6 million males (around 100 men worldwide) and is known as diphallia. Unfortunately, this condition doesn’t mean double the fun: Both organs are rarely fully functional, and the condition often comes along with other anomalies in the genital area that require surgery to correct.
Are Uncircumcised Penises More Likely to Get STD’s?
Before – during – after circumcision.
Can being circumcised reduce your risk of contracting an STD? Well, apparently so. The foreskin’s inner surface is made up of mucous membranes similar to those found inside the eyelid or the mouth, making it a moist place. That unique environment could be responsible for the increased STD transmission rates associated with uncircumcised men in some studies. Circumcised penises are also a lot easier to keep clean in comparison, because there’s no extra skin to allow for build up of bacteria and dirt etc.
There’s this impression that only newborns get circumcised, but adult men can get circumcised too! However only 30% of men over the age of 15 have been circumcised. As for those wondering if your partner will notice the difference; experts say that not much changes for women in terms of feeling when they have sex with a man who is circumcised – and as a woman who has experienced both circumcised and uncircumcised – I can confirm this.
Foot Size = Penis Length?
Penis length is NOT linked to foot size: The idea that the size of your penis is in proportion to your shoe size is a myth. According to a study published in the British Journal of Urology International, researchers at University College London measured the penises of 104 men, including teenagers and pensioners. The average penis length in this group was 13cm (5.1 inches) when soft and gently stretched, and the average British shoe size was 9 (43 EU Size). But researchers found no link between shoe size and penis length.
‘Blue Balls’ is REAL.
The myth surrounding men getting blue balls is not entirely a fabrication. It does exist in science, and is known as “prostatic congestion,”. The common symptom of an ache in the testicles is a result of ‘trapped’ blood. An orgasm can relieve it, but it is not the only solution. Doctors suggest a nice warm shower or aspirin can also fix the issue.
There’s More to it Than Meets the Eye
A guy’s penis size is double the length you actually see. The rest is tucked up inside the pelvis and attached to his pubic bone.
You CAN Break Your Penis
Yes – if the penis is violently twisted when erect – it can break. It most commonly occurs during vigorous sex, although it has been documented to happen to men who have fallen out of bed with an erection. There are no bones in the penis, but the tubes that fill with blood during an erection can burst. Blood pours out of them inside the penis and causes a very painful swelling. The moment of fracture is accompanied by a popping or cracking sound, intense pain, swelling, and – unsurprisingly – flaccidity.
Reported cases of penile fracture are rare, but it’s thought that some men are too embarrassed to report it to their doctor. According to the NHS, damage during sex, where their partner is on top, is responsible for about one-third of all cases. The breakage usually occurs when a man’s penis slips out of his partner and is violently bent.
Thankfully, it doesn’t happen very often and, if it is treated swiftly, full function can be restored. As a note of caution, if this happens to you, don’t let embarrassment get the better of you. Go and get it sorted as soon as possible.
A Phobia of Penises
Phallophobia is the fear of a penis.
Can You Change the Taste of Your Cum?
Dr Shirin Larkhani, a general practitioner explains to Cosmopolitan that although semen taste can vary hugely from one person to another, there are certain things that can affect the taste of semen, Dr Larkhani says,
“Strong-tasting vegetables like cauliflower, broccoli, garlic and caffeine may make semen taste or smell unpleasant. Whereas pineapple, oranges and other sweet fruits may make it taste sweeter. This is largely due to how the enzymes in the food break down and affect proteins, thus impacting on the smell and taste.This is highly subjective though, just as our tastes vary with food it’s logical that our tastes in semen does too.” Off the Menu: According to Glamour, asparagus, red meat and dairy are all said to negatively affect the taste of semen.
The Penis is NOT a Muscle
Contrary to popular belief, the so-called love muscle does not contain any muscles. That’s why you cannot move it very much when it’s erect. The penis is a kind of sponge that fills with blood when a man is sexually excited, causing the penis to swell and stiffen.
Semen is More Than Just Sperm
(If you’ve ever had a facial) Have you noticed after washing cum off your face it’s super smooth? Well there’s a reason for that! Semen is made of about 96 percent water, 2 percent sperm, fructose (which nourishes sperm), vitamin C (which helps keep sperm healthy), sodium bicarbonate (which protects sperm from the acidic environment of a vagina), various proteins and enzymes, and minerals like magnesium, phosphorus, potassium and zinc. All of that goodness!
Having Sex Once a Week Can Lower Your Risk of Health Conditions!
Having sex at least once a week can lower a man’s risk of heart disease by 30%, stroke by 50%, and diabetes by 40%. Even more of a reason to be having more sex!
Sending nudes has been a thing since the beginning of time, and more so since you could e-mail pictures. Nudes go way back, all the way over two thousand years ago in ancient Greece where they literally sculpted real-life nudes into statues. In recent times the naked body has been sexualised more and more, and coming in to the 20th century solidified the evolution of homosapians sex drives and sexual exploration all together. People began encapsulating the human body for not only art, but erotic use too, whether that be between two individuals or to be sold on.
As technology and humans have developed we can now take an immaculate renaissance photos of our bodies anywhere at any time with the click of a button. Like anything, when something becomes more accessible – you’re more likely to do it. Having access to mobile phones with installed cameras with insane quality and social media, it takes less than a minute to take and send a nude. It’s quick, it’s easy – but that’s the problem sometimes, you aren’t thinking about who you send it to. Further down the article will delve more into this.
I’m going to discuss revenge porn, how to protect yourself (more) online, the dangers of sending explicit photos online and the reasons why people do it. Why do you send nudes? Probably the same reason as the next person.
Are You Over 18?
Did you know that if you’re under the age of 18, and you send sexually explicit images of yourself, you can get done with distributing photos of child pornography – even though the images are of yourself?
Child Law Advice states, “In the UK the age of consent for sexual intercourse is 16. However, it is an offence to make, distribute, possess or show any indecent images of anyone aged under 18, even if the content was created with the consent of that young person. The law is contained in section 1 Protection of Children Act 1978.”
Likewise, the recipient of the image can also get done for being in possession of child pornography if the person in the images is under the age of 18. There’s a great series on BBC iPlayer called ‘Nudes’ about three young people who’s sex lives are shared online and their life is turned upside down after their private content goes public.
The Dangers of Sending Nudes Online
Ultimately most of us do know the dangers of sending nudes online and that is.. They can get out.
It’s a risk any way you look at it because everything online is forever – soon as you post anything – no matter if you delete it or it ‘disappears’ it’s somewhere there on the cloud and someone will be able to access it. The world is a scary place now due to the advancement of technology, thanks to the internet. Nothing seems sacred anymore. This article isn’t to stop you from sending nudes, nor is it saying you should be sending nudes it’s more of a third eye – don’t be ignorant to the possibilities. It’s all well and good thinking we live in a perfect world and you shouldn’t have to worry about these things, but we don’t and you do. You need to protect yourself.
Also, with the slip of your thumb you could end up posting it for everyone to see, or sending to the wrong person by accident – there’s always a risk involved.
So if you do send your significant other – or anybody else for that matter – explicit content just think about a few things before you do, and stay safe. Make sure you trust them, and if you don’t, either tell them you don’t trust them or just point blank refuse. Consent is consent no matter which way you look at it. If you say no, they don’t have the right to question that answer. No means no!
Things to Consider Before Sending Nudes
Do you trust this person?
Are you sending this nude because you want to? You aren’t being pressured into sending it are you?
Are you sending it with your face in? To avoid proof of identity when it comes to sending images, be aware if you have any tattoos/ birthmarks/ or any other significant marks on your body that you can be easily identified by. Therefore, if you do happen to send an explicit image, try to avoid including those. Likewise, your face – try and avoid sending images with your face in as you won’t be able to 100% identify it as you. Therefore if your images do get exposed, there’s no proof ultimately to prove that the content is of you.
What is Revenge Porn?
As it goes, we still have a long way to go on criminalising revenge porn, and I am personally disgusted at how the law handles it. But at least we are getting somewhere. On the 13th April 2015 Section 33 of the Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015 came into force. This created a new criminal offence of disclosing private sexual photographs and films with intent to cause distress. This is more commonly known as revenge porn. Crucial to the offence are: (a) the lack of consent of the individual appearing in the photograph and film; and (b) the intent to cause that individual distress. The legislation made sharing of such images or films a specific offence in its own right and covered all social media platforms and electronic communication. A person who is found guilty of an offence of sharing sexual or private photographs or videos without consent can be sentenced to up to two years in prison or fined, or both. The punishment should definitely be higher considering the damage it can cause to someone’s livlihood. Revenge porn can destroy someone’s home life, family, relationships, career, future, everything! And no – it’s not their fault for the images being in the hands of the wrong person.
Revenge Porn – What Happens When Private Becomes Public?
Did you know revenge porn is illegal in the UK?
What to do if someone threatens to expose your private images – don’t fall into the blackmail. It is illegal. Keep record of all communication between you and your blackmailer. Also, if you choose to make a video of you having sex with someone and it’s to be kept between the two of you – it should be kept between the two of you. If that person consents to the act, they’re not consenting to it being shared as well. Just because you consent to one thing doesn’t mean you consent to whole array of other things. Learn more about consent on my Condoms and Consent article.
This also goes for hacking. Although there can be things to consider before you send an explicit image – revenge porn isn’t your fault. Just because you shared a photo or an intimate moment in confidence with someone, doesn’t mean that you consent to other people being able to see it.
Revenge Porn Laws
The law states that it is not revenge porn if the photograph or video is shared for the purposes of journalism. For example, a private photograph of you could be published in a newspaper as part of a news story if the person who shared the photograph reasonably believed it was in the public interest.
The law also states that it is not an offence for someone to share a photograph or video of you if they believed that it had already been shared or published, with your consent and that you had been paid. For example, if there is a photograph of you on a pornographic website, someone might see it and assume you have consented to it being posted and been paid for the photo. They might then share it with someone else. That is not an offence. However if the person who originally posted the image did so without your consent, they may be guilty of an offence.
Why Do People Send Nudes? Naked is Normal!
Body positivity and body confidence is not anything that should be shunned. Taking nude photos of yourself can increase confidence proportionally, and help with self-esteem and self-acceptance. You may not even be taking nudes to send to anybody else, maybe you take them because you want to feel good. Mood is also a dependent factor on whether someone may or may not want to send/receive nudes. We can’t pretend that sending nudes simply isn’t a thing – because it is – especially in this generation. But not everyone wants to see a dick pic at 7am in the morning – some may, but not all.
However, if you’ve ever been subject to revenge porn abuse, you may have a distorted version on the topic of taking and sending nudes now. Just because one person has betrayed your trust doesn’t mean that everyone in your life will behave in that way. Learn to love yourself again, and your body – in its full glory. If you don’t send nude pictures for whatever reason – that is your prerogative and you don’t need to explain yourself. Consent is the main thing in any sexual scenario and you have the right to your own privacy.
Likewise for those who want to embrace their nakedness online and in a public fashion you’re also well within your rights to do that, just bare in mind the dangers and risks that can surround in doing so. As they saying goes, “Nudity can empower some and modesty can empower others.” So whether you choose to send nudes or not – it doesn’t make a difference – we are all human and we have needs. Some want to send nudes, others don’t – that’s fine. Just respect other people’s decisions and if someone trusts you enough to send you explicit images or record a sex tape with you – don’t be a dick.
Besides the debate that sex toys have become normalized for women and not men, I disagree. I think sex toys are still extremely taboo in today’s society – regardless of gender – and there’s still a notion of opinion regarding sex toys being ‘dirty’, ‘weird’, and ‘sexually deviant’ when in solo use, or deemed ‘unecessary’ when regarding couples sex. This opinion needs to change.
Single and Want a Sex Toy? There’s No Shame in the Sex Toy Game!
It’s 2020, we’re currently a part of a global pandemic which makes it near enough impossible for singletons to start forming relationships of any kind really. So just why is there still judgement and a stigma around masturbating with a device for assisted pleasure? What difference does it really make whether you wank with your fingers or with a clit vibrator? Likewise for men, why is it ‘disgusting’ or ‘weird’ for them to have a fleshlight? That’s just the female equivalent of having a dildo. Why do people feel the need to buy sex toys? Because they feel fucking good!!
Obviously, judgment of the use of sex toys more often than not comes from individuals that don’t use sex toys. “Why should we use them ?” some people may ask. Because they not only help to get you off, and heighten your orgasms, but they also help you to explore your own sensuality too. Using a sex toy is a guaranteed good experience, because you’re in 100% control as to how your body reacts and what’s going on, unlike the ‘real’ thing.
The thought of not having sex for six months makes me want to jump off the face of the planet, but being single, having a sex toy decreases the need for seeking sexual pleasure in another person. The stress free way to orgasm.. Do it on your own! I mean a sex toy cant pull your hair, choke you and fuck you all at the same time so they’re not a perfect replacement as such, but a good one nontheless. And probably one of the best investments you’ll ever make in your life.
Granted, the experience of using toys is different for each individual. For example, some women might prefer vibes on their clit, whilst others prefer a dildo inside of them, or someone agreeing to use a blindfold, but not handcuffs – preferences vary. However with a plethora of options out there, it would be rude to not try before you decide to form a negative opinion.
For those in relationships, just what is it with people, but mainly men, and their insecurities not wanting their partners using sex toys full stop? Some find it somewhat demeaning to their masculinity and may manipulate their partners into thinking that by using sex toys they are seeking sexual pleasure elsewhere. If this is ever the case, tell them to get stuffed. Toys over boys!
Why Sex Toys Are Good for Your Relationship
Copyright : flyintospace
Some partners may feel insecure at the fact they feel as though they can’t pleasure their partner enough if they want to incorporate sex toys into their love life, however that is just not the case. Sex toys are more than just a bit of added fun. In fact women feel such a way about their partners knowing about their sex toys, a survey by the sex toy retailer TooTimid.com of over 1,413 women found out that 54 percent of them hide their sex toys from their partners.
This shows just how prevalent the taboo surrounding the sex toy stigma still is in today’s society. If you’re embarrassed or ashamed of your partner knowing about your masturbation habits, how is the stigma surrounding sex toys ever going to end? Women, especially, find it a lot harder to cum than men, using a toy just helps you to get there a little bit quicker.
Besides the popular myth that every woman can cum, and that women can cum at the click of a finger – that is simply not true. The female orgasm is a lot more complicated than that. Reciting from my article on The Female Orgasm and Squirting: the Truths, 75% of women can’t cum from penetration alone. Being able to orgasm depends a lot on foreplay for a woman, and heavily on clitoral stimulation in order to achieve it. Toys can be a great addition to foreplay, and really add to the experience as a whole.
Introducing toys to the bedroom, doesn’t mean your sex is boring and needs ‘spicing up’ it can be for many reasons. Being blindfolded can greatly diminish insecurities for some, and a small vibrator may be the thing that helps your partner reach the big ‘O’. Plus, toys aren’t just for fun: they can also assist those that struggle with erectile dysfunction, which is incredibly common. In fact, 1 in 4 men under the age of 40 experience erectile dysfunction (ED) in their life, meaning they can’t stay hard enough to finish sexual intercourse, and bringing some toys into the game can be a way to pass that.
The Sex Toy Stigma Against Men
Copyright : alexutemov
Over at our Instagram handle @shshithappens I did a poll to see who uses sex toys – a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer was required. Most of the yes’ were women meanwhile most of the no’s were males which begs the questions; if toxic masculinity is the reason, the lack of sex toys on the market for men, or if they simply are not interested?
Vice states a fair point in terms of sex toy marketing, “Women were affirmed by the ‘Rabbit’ episode in Sex and the City, while men who use sex toys have their entire identity questioned. These days, erotic devices are tastefully marketed to suburban moms on vanilla lifestyle websites”
For solo sex, fleshlights can be incredibly satisfying for men, and can feel really good on the penis when filled with lube as it has the suction feeling of a vagina or anus depending on your preference, and then the wet feeling too – which the lube adds. However, like mentioned previously there’s often an assumption that follows when a man owns a sex toy for solo masturbation such as a fleshlight.
But why? It’s literally the dildo equivalent. If a man buys, or wants a fleshlight, so what? Sex toys are a way of exploring your own sensuality in full control and seeing what gets you off. A fleshlight creates a similar experience to a vagina, but at the same time it’s such a different experience because you’re in full control of every single sensation on your penis – unlike a vagina which behaves a lot differently. The same concept but two different experiences – just like using a dildo vs an actual penis. Fleshlights nowadays have developed and are incredibly innovative, not all look like vagina’s – some look more like machines. Masturbating with your hand or with a toy is no different, bar the sensation. For more information on sex toys for men head over to my Sex Toys article.
The Independent states, “The benefits of orgasm are huge for both physical and mental well-being, and recent research from Harvard Medical School has found that regular orgasms can reduce the risk of developing prostate cancer by 22 per cent, so anything that adds or enables an orgasm can only be a good thing.”
Overall, sex toys are nothing to be ashamed of. Whether you’re worried about your partner finding out, your dad finding your dildo or the postman seeing your non-discreet package… who gives a fuck? We all do it!
After reading through various disturbing articles about men with a saliva fetish requesting women on the street spit in jars, filming it, and later swallowing it and then (sometimes) getting arrested – I came to the realisation that the spit fetish is a lot different to a saliva fetish. The spit fetish is all about the dominant and submissive role partaken in BDSM whereas the saliva fetish is more about the messy and wet side of things I guess? Those sort of instances would be classed as more of a paraphilia, as the women getting involved don’t benefit off – consensually or non-consensually – doing the act. Defined by Encyclopedia, “Paraphilias are no longer understood as dysfunctional deviations from the normal, as the sexual perversions once were, but are now defined as behaviors centered on sexual arousal with objects or situations where affection may not be reciprocal or returned.” A saliva paraphilia is called Salirophilia.
The Spit? FetISH?! Is what you’re probably thinking right now. Yes, the spit fetish. It’s a part of the BDSM spectrum, branching off as one of the many fetishes amongst it. BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. But you may like spit more than you think, like everything on the BDSM spectrum – it has levels. Do you use a bit of spit to help lubrication with masturbation? Or to make the blowjob that bit more slippery? Then you probably have a bit of a spit fetish.
What Is a Spit Fetish?
What is a spit fetish? – When a person gets aroused by being spit on or spitting on someone else. The person spitting is usually the dominant and the person being spat on, the submissive.
Is a spit fetish the same as a saliva fetish? – No, although both are based on the same subject, a saliva fetishist gets off on the feel, look and sensation of the saliva on their skin. Someone with a spit fetish likes the humiliation aspect of being spit on or being the person doing the spitting.
Why Do People Like Involving Spit During Play?
The act of being spat in your mouth, or being spat on your face/ body is similar to the feeling of cum in a sense, which could also be another reason why someone desires to be spat on during intercourse.
As for the person doing the spitting, it can be a dominant thing – the commonly “you’re below me” attitude that is associated with spitting – a degradation and humiliation aspect. Also, the appearance of the spit crossed with make-up, making someone look a hot mess. Again, that’s a dominant thing. In addition, if the partner is tied up, with spit on their face falling down and they’re unable to do anything about it, it could also be a huge turn on because they are essentially solely relying on you and trusting you and devoting themselves regardless of what unnecessary disturbances may come in the way – like spit falling off your eyelash making you partially blind as you’re getting fucked, but it’s all good!
But jokes aside – don’t get spit in your partners eye as it will sting, go bloodshot, and could create room for infection. So… avoid the eyes!
Some History
The Urantia Book claims that (historically) saliva was a potent fetish. Apparently, “devils could be driven out by spitting on a person” and “for an elder or superior to spit on one was the highest compliment”. Furthermore, it could perhaps be argued that saliva plays a (direct or indirect) role in a lot sexual behaviour that raises the question of how “deviant” saliva fetishes actually are.
The Difference Between the Saliva & Spit Fetish
Many different bodily substances have formed the basis of paraphilic and/or fetishistic behaviour including urine (urophilia), faeces (coprophilia), blood (menophilia and clinical vampirism), and breast milk (lactophilia). However, one bodily fluid that has not really been the subject of scientific research is saliva in relation to saliva fetishes and spit fetishes. And there is actually a difference between the two.
The saliva fetishists don’t really appear to share much in common with spit fetishists, as that appears to be more a part of sadomasochistic sexual activity.
Those with a saliva fetish are turned on by qualities in the spit—it’s lubricating silkiness, its wetness, its scent, or whose mouth it comes from. They like to rub their hands, face, mouth, and genitals in the substance for the tactile sensations and the essence of the saliva donor.
Those with a spit fetish on the other hand have a different reason—they want to be spit on to be degraded or humiliated by the object of their affection. It’s still about receiving the essence, but the trigger of arousal is in the act of humiliation, not in the warm slimy feeling of the spit itself. This is often called spitting domination.
The Link to BDSM
If you have a desire to be spat on, this is usually associated with you seeking domination from the spitter/ having the need to be sexually humiliated – making the person being spat on, the submissive.
Most of the online literature focused on spitting fetishes (as opposed to saliva fetishes) appears to be rooted in BDSM and is usually referred to as ‘spitting domination’. The dominant partner may spit onto their submissive partner’s face and/or mouth.
If your kink involves aspects of humiliation and degradation, spitting can be the perfect addition to that kind of dynamic. There’s something about being spat on that really enhances the feelings of submission for a lot of people.
Many of the online articles about spitting fetishes see parallels between the act of spitting and the act of ejaculation – particularly in relation to ‘facials’ (i.e. the act of men ejaculating onto someone’s face) and the practice of bukkake (i.e. the act of several/many men simultaneously ejaculating onto someone’s face and/or body).
Compared to all other paraphilic and fetishistic behaviours concerning sexual arousal to human bodily fluids, there is significantly less written about saliva and spitting fetishes. Whether academic and/or clinical research is needed is – at present – debatable.
It’s also extremely important to negotiate this with a partner before you begin – like anything – as many people really won’t enjoy this kind of play. There is an obvious distinction between a spitting and saliva fetish which I hope has now been more brought to light. Spitting is related to BDSM and saliva is the context within the feel, texture and outright appearance of the saliva itself on your lovers body. Have fun, be consensual and play dirty and safe.
Thanks to the internet, accessing pornography is easier than ever. The days have gone of surreptitiously buying x-rated films and top-shelf magazines from seedy sex shops and corner stores. In 2019 there were over 42 billion visits to Pornhub, which means there was an average of 115 million visits per day. So if you’ve been indulging in a bit of cheeky pornography, you’re certainly not alone.
It is, however, important to recognise that pornography is a form of entertainment. And just like Hollywood movies, real life is far removed from what happens on set. A study from Dr.Felix consisting of 10,000 porn stars was taken to compare porn vs reality, and the data images shown in the article are extracted from this.
There are a lot of things that are wrong with porn, and the reason I say wrong is because of how people are influenced by porn. Like stated prior, porn is simply a form of entertainment. This article will cover the lack of foreplay shown during porn, the pressure on men to last long in bed, the ‘perfect’ body image, the huge lack of condoms, the sexualisation of lesbians, non-existent pubic hair, and the sexpectations porn gives the ordinary person.
Lack of Foreplay
Foreplay in porn often lasts for no time at all, and can even be edited out completely. Female porn stars always seem ready and raring to go from the off. However, for most women, foreplay is the key to good sex. According to a 2017 online survey by FPA, 83.2% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and almost 80% said they couldn’t climax from penetrative sex alone. So foreplay is pretty important when it comes to being able to get a woman off.
In nigh-on every single porno, every woman seems to orgasm at least once – regardless of foreplay. This can mislead both men and women into thinking this is the reality, when it’s not. Porn is a film, it is directed, it is edited, everything is made to look as good as it possibly can to its target audience – it is NOT reality.
This leads to women thinking there’s something wrong with them for not reaching orgasm, when it’s perfectly normal if they don’t. Meanwhile porn influences men to believe that women find it easy to orgasm, and put pressure on their partner to orgasm. If you read my article, The Female Orgasm and Squirting: The Truths, that explains in more depth about the female orgasm and how both males and females perceive it and the realities surrounding it.
Lack of Condoms
Why does nobody wear condoms in porn? Considering porn advocates sex you would think the people in the industry would use their power to advocate safe and consensual sex? Especially considering how many young people watch porn.
Most people begin to watch porn when they start going through puberty, as they then start getting sexually inquisitive. The average age for a girl starting puberty is 11 and the average age for a boy is 12 according to the NHS. Porn is so easily accessible, and straight off the back, these kids aren’t even going to know about condom use when it comes to becoming sexually active as they get older – unless they’re taught. Even then, the way porn normalises unprotected sex is definitely influencing young and naive teens all across the world.
Condoms not only protect you from getting pregnant but they also help protect against STI’s and if you’re having sex with no cover on you’re at a much high risk than you are with one on. WEAR CONDOMS!! Another problem with this, is that men especially, when they start having sex, if they don’t use condoms from the off, they get used to this idea of wanting to ‘feel’ the inside of a woman and therefore with every sexual encounter they don’t want to use a condom because porn has normalised unprotected sex so much that people think it’s weird/ unsexy to use a condom.
If both partners are monogamous and the female is on contraception then yes, you don’t necessarily have to use condoms every time you have sex. However, if you’re with a new partner or sleeping with multiple people you should ALWAYS use a condom. To read more on condoms, you can read my Condoms and Consent article.
The Pressure on Men to Last Long in Bed
The NHS states that a man on average lasts five and a half minutes during a round of intercourse. Men watching porn can feel ashamed that they don’t last as long as male porn stars when, in reality, male porn stars often use Viagra and other treatments to stay erect for longer, and they often stop and start in between film takes.
The ‘Perfect’ Body
There’s a huge lack of diversity in mainstream porn regarding, age, hair colour, skin colour, body shapes and sizes. Regarding to Dr.Felix’s research (picture above), there is an interesting disparity in bra sizes. While the ‘blonde-hair, big-boob’ stereotype of porn actresses persists, the typical porn star is brunette and actually has the same bra size as the average woman of 20 years ago. In reality, the average bra size is a 34DD today, compared to 34B in 1992.
Porn vaginas all look like a perfect blueprint. Many female porn stars have surgery to give themselves ‘designer vaginas’ when in reality, vaginas come in all shapes and sizes, and there’s no such thing as a perfect one – plus everyone has different preferences.
If you’re sick of mainstream porn, you’re in luck because ‘feminist porn’ is now a thing. Feminist porn hires a plethora of diverse porn stars, so you can enjoy wanking over more relatable people and sex scenarios. Feminist porn creator Tristan Taormino describes to Cosmopolitan in depth, what feminist porn is and how to find it, “Feminist porn features minorities underrepresented in mainstream porn, so you may see people of different gender identities and expressions, races, body types, or abilities. Those differences will not be fetishized or stereotyped as some mainstream porn does (with race for example).” Plus, feminist porn tends to feature actual female orgasms – not faked.
GIGANTIC Phallus’s
Apparently unless you have a giant cock, a woman won’t be pleasured by you (according to porn anyway). Whether it’s really thick, really long or (mainly) both – porn stars often have a lot larger phallus than the ordinary man. This can put pressure on both women’s expectations and a mans confidence when it comes to getting down and dirty. However male porn stars are often hired for that reason – because they have a big piece. Plus, camera angles can make a penis look larger than it actually is – however this can make men think that size matters and that only big cocks can give pleasure. In real life, great sex has a lot more to do with what you do with it, rather than the size of it. It’s all about how you use it.
Muscles and lean figures feature a lot in porn, with the typical porn actor sporting the desirable inverted triangle shape – broad shoulders and a tapered waist. In reality, most men have a rectangular figure, featuring a flat torso and minor change in shape.
Both men and women should avoid comparing their bodies to a porn star’s. Like models, they are paid to look a certain way. Women may go for the god-like muscly figure in porn, but the truth is that nothing is sexier than being comfortable in your own skin.
Pubic Hair – Where Is It ??
It seems you only get the bush if you ask for it on porn, otherwise all mainstream videos are traditionally smooth bald patches. Women aren’t always shaved when it comes to sex, because sometimes sex is random, most women aren’t having sex to be performing on camera and get paid.
I can appreciate pubic hair has become unfashionable in a sense now, but it shouldn’t make someone less desired if they choose to keep it. As mentioned in my article about The Female Bush, it states that pubic lice are apparently now ‘going extinct’ due to the hefty amount of people maintaining a full Hollywood and excessively grooming downstairs. Being fully shaved is hugely influenced from the porn star aesthetic of not a speck of pube on their groin area. But most people have pubes, so where’s their representation on porn? Other than in a fetish category.
The Sexualisation of Lesbians
Lesbians have long been sexualised by society. Lesbians are women who are attracted to other women, if they fancied men they would be bisexual. So why do so many men enjoy the thought of sexually entertaining two lesbians that would be completely uninterested in them in real life? Why is there so much lesbian porn that involves men?
Unfortunately for those men, lesbians definitely don’t want or need their cock in order to have a good time. In fact, the high lesbian orgasm rates prove it. According to a study, amongst women, lesbians orgasm most when sexually intimate – with 86% reporting that they usually or always do. This is followed by bisexual women – a large drop down at 66% – and finally straight women at 65%. It seems when a man is added into the mix, the likelihood of orgasm significantly decreases for women.
Sexpectations
Sex can be clumsy, messy, slippery, awkward and even boring sometimes. Never have expectations for your first time to look like a porn scene or a sex scene off a rom-com, because it is highly unlikely that is what you’ll experience.
Fitting in with the sexpectations category is the literal sex expectations that have been created by porn – anal being a prime example. This data shows you the top ten sex acts done by women in porn vs top ten sex acts done by women in reality – and the proof is in the pudding. Women on porn do anything they’re told to do (according to the viewer) however that’s not what most women want.
Porn is a fantasy, and with fantasies, most people don’t bring it into their real life. Just because a woman on porn does double penetration doesn’t mean every woman is happy to do that. Every person is an individual, don’t let porn manipulate you into having high expectations for people’s boundaries – everything should be consensual, and talked about before if needs be. Never go into a sexual engagement with expectations, especially expectations that have been influenced from porn.
Basically, porn films are just that – films – and, just like any other film, the truth can often be sacrificed for a story line. If you take everything with a pinch of salt and instead get to know the real facts, you’ll be well on your way to a healthy, happy and fulfilling sex life. Enjoy porn for what is it – but just know that it’s not real – it’s just designed to make you think it’s real whilst you’re watching it.
**DISCLAIMER**Content Warning:Those who find discussions of rape and sexual assault triggering, I advise you to please not read any further.
You don’t need me to tell you that rape is a serious matter. The sad truth is one in three women has been, or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime – according to the WHO. But with discussions of it everywhere, and the sadly very present fear a lot of women (and some men) carry with them as they just try and go about their day-to-day, what about what goes on in our head?
What Is A Rape Fantasy? (Shorthand)
There’s a wide range of sexual fantasies people have, ranging from entirely unrealistic to applicable to real life, sex with a warewolf through to banging on a plane. But the fantasy of being raped, also known as nonconsent and forced sex fantasies, is common. But this common fantasy is one that few of us feel comfortable sharing. It puts people on edge and makes us feel a bit wrong. Controversial in nature — and they can include fantasies about rape or sexual violence.
And it’s incredibly important to note that while rape fantasies are common, this does not mean that women secretly wants to be raped. There is a huge difference between acted out role-play, imagined scenarios, and real-life experiences. No one asks to be raped, no one deserves to be raped, and how common forced sex fantasies are in no way justifies unwanted sexual contact of any nature.
Role-playing or acting out with a partner a rape fantasy is a BDSM practice. It involves someone taking a dominant role, and the other, the submissive role. Not all sexual fantasies involve BDSM.
The Rape Fantasy Explained
Psychologists use to believed that dreams and fantasies were subconscious wishes, therefore, women who had rape fantasies actually wanted to be coerced into sex. That view has been thoroughly debunked. Fantasies don’t necessarily reflect wishes.
For those in long-term relationships, often, one of the most common fantasies is sex with someone else – even when the daydreamer is happy in the relationship and has no real desire to jump into another bed. Fantasies are just that – a fantasy.
According to Psychology Today, todays psychologists suggest that women’s rape fantasies have three main possible explanations:
Sexual blame avoidance: This explanation recognises that womens erotic desires may trigger feelings of guilt and shame. How can a woman endure avant garde sexual fantasies without developing those feelings? By fantasising about being forced. That way women aren’t responsible for sex and need not feel distressed about it. It was forced. It wasn’t my fault.
Sexual desirability: This reflects the need to be so desired that the man quite literally can’t contain themselves. This sort of fantasy is often reflected with an attraction to the man, and once resisted at first turns into enjoyment, which real life rape definitely does not. The sexual-desirability explanation says that women have rape fantasies to bolster feelings of seductiveness and desirability. I’m so hot. I drive men crazy.
Sexual openness: This explanation says that women who enjoy sex and accept their enjoyment without anxiety, guilt, or shame feel sufficiently free to play with erotic scenarios beyond the boundaries of what they’d ever want to experience in real life. It’s fantasy. I’m free to fantasize anything.
Clinical psychologist, Dr Michael Yates explains to Metro that,
“Rape fantasies allow women to reduce distress associated with sex, as they are not responsible for what occurs, therefore have less need to feel guilt or shame about acting upon their own sexual desires or feelings. In our minds, it’s not us doing it, it’s all the other person, meaning we don’t have to feel guilty or dirty. This explains why most rape fantasies don’t tend to beextremely violent, and why the women I asked reported resisting at first before having an enjoyable experience (which real-life rape is definitely not).”
Grazia Daily speak to sex psychologist Dr Frederick Toates, who wrote How Sexual Desire Works: The Enigmatic Urge.
Grazia asked, “Are some women even turned on by rape fantasies simply because they’re not meant to have them?”
Dr. Toates answered, “What is a transgression is attractive, for men and women. People find illicit things attractive and that could be an added component in women finding rape fantasies a turn-on.”
Grazia also asked, “Is it likely that women who have rape fantasies have been assaulted or raped before?”
To which Dr. Toates states, “Sometimes if you’re in a traumatic situation you go back to recreate it, but whether women go back to re-run the situation and re-calibrate it to be desirable is yet to be reported.”
Paradoxically to what you may think, most women think that rape fantasies made them feel in control. A main thing to remember about a fantasy is that even though in the fantasy you experience a loss of control, in actual fact one is totally in control.
The Stats
A study evaluating rape fantasies containing 355 female undergraduate participants, revealed that, 52% had fantasised about being forced by a man and 17% had fantasised about being forced by a woman. 32% fantasised about being raped by a man meanwhile 9% fantasised about being raped by a woman. 28% had fantasised about forced oral from a man whilst 9% fantasised about forced oral by a woman, and 16% fantasised about forced anal and 24% fantasised about being forced while incapacitated (drunk/ under the influence).
Forced and raped weren’t explicitly explained, it was up to the participant to interpret the phrases in their own way. Hence why results for “rape” are a lot less than “forced” due to the shame that comes with confessing you’ve fantasised about something that’s so horrific. The participants were considerably more likely to fantasize being “forced” than “raped,” presumably because “rape” carries more connotations of violence and harm.
15% of the study participants reported being sexual assault survivors. The research found no correlation between real-life rape and whether participants had fantasised about rape.
Among respondents who admitted fantasies of being forced by men, 33% had them less than once a year, 26% admitted to a few times a year, 20% claimed once a month, 11% weekly, and 9% had them at least four times a week.
Among the 71 participants who reported fantasies of being forced by women, 50 said they were heterosexual. The most sexually anxious, guilty, and repressed women had the fewest rape fantasies. However, it was proven that the most sexually open and self-accepting women had the most rape fantasies. The women who considered themselves attractive also had frequent rape fantasies. This is probably to do with the desire aspect – being so attractive a man can’t control himself.
You’re Not Wrong or F*cked Up, You are NORMAL
You’re scared of looking different. Even worse, you worry about what would happen if you actually did get raped, and it came out that you fantasized about it on a regular basis. You can learn a lot about yourself by exploring your darkest, most taboo sexual desires. Despite what your parents taught you, it’s healthy.
Rape fantasies and role play are paragons of consent. No matter how dark or violent, they revolve around clear communication and mutual respect. People with a healthy sexuality understand how a foundation of consent supports any moment like that.
People who are open sexually fantasize about hundreds of things that they know can never happen in life. A rape fantasy can never violate your consent. When you’re inside your head, you control everything that happens.
Too often, we dismiss what we don’t understand about sex. Including our own desires and identities. Don’t be scared of what you want. Find a safe way to learn more about it. You can find dozens of communities where people embrace each other’s ‘devious’ and ‘perverted’ sexualities. No matter what you’re into, you’re not alone.
Exploring Your Fantasy
The key to enjoying rape fantasy is safety. The first thing one must do is to discuss their fantasies with their partner(s). What would you like to be done? It is completely acceptable to want some kind of physical element, i.e. hair pulling, choking, being called names. Talk it out with your partner(s) beforehand, be clear about what you are ok with and what you do not want, and establish a safe word that would indicate when the acting out of the fantasy would stop. Click on my BDSM and Safe Practice article to explore further on bringing your fantasies to life. To read more on Consent click here.
There is no bad sexual fantasy. It is only important that if a fantasy is acted out, it is fully consensual and it happens safely.
Fantasies are FANTASIES.
Men and especially women feel ashamed because they know on an intellectual level that rape is bad and should not be tolerated. They do not understand how they can find such a situation erotic.
It is completely acceptable that someone who identifies as a feminist has a rape fantasy. The fantasy does not delegitimise one’s politics. Feminism is as much about exploring and accepting oneself as it is about ending patriarchy and the discrimination that comes with it.
The fantasiser finds the man or woman raping them to be terribly attractive, and there is no disgust or repulsion in the mix. There is usually no arousal happening in real-life situations when a woman is being forced into sex, making actual rape incredibly different than what’s happening in our heads. There is an eroticism present in fantasies that simply doesn’t exist when rape happens out in the real world.
But know that if you’re having rape fantasies, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you’re not a ‘bad feminist’. and it doesn’t mean you’d actually like to be raped in real life. Fantasies are just that — fantasies.
In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. Not everyone accepts this, but as sexual openness increases, so does willingness to daydream about sexual scenarios one would never really want to experience. Women who have rape fantasies don’t want to be sexually assaulted. They feel comfortable with their own sexuality and are happy to embrace their erotic fantasies—wherever they may lead.
Erectile Dysfunction or ED is something that isn’t really talked about at all, however it does affect a lot of men at some point in their lifetime. In case you’re unsure of what it is, it is when a man struggles to get hard.
Erectile dysfunction can be an embarrassing topic, particularly for young men, but it is important to bear in mind that the problem affects millions of other men, and that there are many treatment options available. It may not be something you feel comfortable discussing with your friends, but make sure you seek medical advice if you are worried.
In young men, ED is likely to be related to stress, or lifestyle choices, such as drinking and smoking too much, but occasionally it can be an early indicator that something a little more serious may be happening, so it’s important to investigate the problem.
When an older man experiences erectile dysfunction, there’s often a physical problem to blame. However, for guys in their 20’s and 30’s, it may be more of a psychological issue.
ED can also be stressful when considering your partners feelings, but erections do not equal desire. Equating erections with desire can create shame, pressure, and misunderstanding. So if you think you struggle with ED, speaking about it with your partner may be a step in the right direction.
The Stats/ About ED
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a condition that occurs when the penis does not receive enough blood to produce an erection that is capable of having sexual intercourse. For men with ED, this happens repeatedly and affects a man’s ability to sustain an active sex life.
Although ED is not as common in young men, it can affect about 25 percent of men under the age of 40. ED is more prevalent among older men, but it also affects younger men in large numbers.
According to Heathline.com, ED has several potential physical and psychological causes. “In some cases, ED can be an early sign of a serious health condition. Heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, hormonal disorders, additionally, an abnormally high or low thyroid hormone level can result in ED.” Young men who use steroids to help build muscle mass are also at a higher risk for ED.
The NHS Website states that “Most men occasionally fail to get or keep an erection. It is usually caused by stress, tiredness, anxiety or drinking too much alcohol, and it’s nothing to worry about. If it happens more often, it may be caused by physical or emotional problems.”
Causes of Erectile Dysfunction
It used to be thought that ED was caused by psychological issues, or was simply a part of the ageing process, but today medical thinking has broadened its horizons and moved away from these ideas, realising that the condition has a range of causes.
Some common causes for ED are: chronic diseases, such as heart disease, and diabetes. (Men with diabetes are two to three times more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction.) Lifestyle choices: Smoking, drinking, and drug use can damage blood vessels, reducing blood flow to the penis. Medication: some over-the-counter, as well as prescription drugs, can have unexpected side effects, or clash with other medications.
However, the psychological side of ED is still very real. Causes can develop from: depression, stress, low self-esteem, and performance anxiety – which can all get in the way of achieving an erection.
According to Medzino, “Erectile dysfunction in your 20’s is likely caused by a psychological rather than a physical problem. You may simply be suffering from performance anxiety, and the tension you’re carrying because of this is affecting your ability to get or keep an erection.“
Anxiety is the most common cause of erectile dysfunction in young men. This can include nervousness about getting your partner pregnant, losing your erection while putting a condom on, or your sexual performance. This often creates a negative spiral, because failure to achieve an erection causes yet more anxiety and stress. Depression, anxiety and stress can also cause ED by reducing libido.
High blood pressure, cholesterol, smoking and diabetes can all lead to the narrowing of your blood vessels. This restricts blood flow to the penis and reduces the chance of getting a firm erection. Some common drugs can cause erectile dysfunction, such as those prescribed for depression, heart conditions and blood pressure. However, you should talk to your doctor before you stop taking them, or change them. Drinking heavily and using illegal drugs can also contribute towards erectile dysfunction in young men.
Stress related to jobs, money, and other life events can contribute to ED too. Relationship problems and poor communication with a partner can also cause sexual dysfunction in both men and women.
Treatment and Remedies
One of the first steps of treatment is to distinguish between physiological and psychological ED. The causes of ED widely vary and can be caused by psychological, neurological, or lifestyle issues. Additional lifestyle complications that some men might experience include: stress or anxiety around sexual performance, embarrassment or low self-esteem due to inability to perform.
Treatment for ED varies from person to person. Some men may find that improving their overall health may be enough to help the ED. Other people may require more treatment, such as relationship counselling, before they see any improvements. If lifestyle and relationship improvements are not sufficient to improve ED, doctors may recommend medications.
The NHS website states, “Medicine such as sildenafil (sold as Viagra) is also often used by doctors to treat erectile dysfunction. It’s also available from chemists. Because of changes in regulations, you no longer need a prescription to get sildenafil. But you’ll have to have a consultation with the pharmacist to make sure it’s safe for you to take it.”
Lloyd’s Pharmacy Online Doctor, Dr Gigi Taguri says, “There are four main prescription-only medicines which are used to treat erectile dysfunction in young men: Viagra (sildenafil), Cialis, Levitra and Spedra. You can purchase all of these erectile dysfunction medicines through our discreet online service. They all work in roughly the same way, by opening up the arteries which supply blood to the penis. This allows blood to fill the erectile tissue in the penis, and for an erection to be achieved and maintained.”
The Dangers of Viagra
What young men should not do is take an ED drug like Viagra without a prescription, or mix them with other drugs. Just like any drug, Viagra does have its dangers.“This is a huge problem and not a safe practice,” says Penny Kaye Jensen, PhD, president of the American Academy of Nurse Practitioners in an article for Everyday Health about young men that struggle with ED, she continues,
“Some young men are mixing ED drugs with mind-altering drugs, such as ecstasy or crystal methamphetamine. This is on the rise and is a potentially deadly combination.”
“There’s a reason the ED drugs are intended only for men who clearly need them,” Jensen concludes. “While considered safe, taking these medications in higher than prescribed doses can lead to serious complications.” Easy Health Options writes a great article explaining the dangers of taking Viagra when you don’t need it also.
If you have any causes for concern, contact your GP to talk about your issues and figure out what it is that may be preventing you from being able to maintain an erection. I hope this article has helped to give a bit of reassurance and an insight into erectile dysfunction and how to go about it. Click on the link to read my previous article on Sex and… Periods!
Unless you’re especially squeamish or have a fear of blood, there’s no need to avoid sexual activity during your period. Though period sex can be a bit messy, it is safe. Period sex is one of those taboo subjects that no one wants to talk about, but deep down, everyone wants to know the deets – so what’s the real deal?
Can You Get Pregnant?
According to Heathline.com, your odds of conceiving are lower during your period, but it’s still possible to become pregnant at this time.
You’re most likely to get pregnant during ovulation, which happens about 14 days before your period starts. However, every woman’s cycle length is different, and the length of your cycle can change monthly. If you have a short menstrual cycle, your risk of getting pregnant during your period is higher.
The NHS official website states that, “while it’s very unlikely, it’s still possible to get pregnant if you have unprotected sex during your period. This is because some women ovulate early, and sperm can survive inside a woman’s body for up to 7 days.”
To reduce your odds of getting pregnant and catching an STI, have your partner wear a latex condom every time you have sex. If you or your partner are allergic to latex, there are other forms of protection you can use. You can also ask your pharmacist or doctor for recommendations.
Viruses like HIV or Hepatitis live in the blood, and they can spread through contact with infected menstrual blood, therefore you’re at a higher risk of contracting them when on your period, so use condoms to avoid this also.
How to Enjoy Period Sex
Not everyone enjoys period sex, so talk to your partner ahead of time and find out how they feel about it. Some religions and cultures don’t believe in having intercourse while a woman is on her period, and it is important to respect your partner’s feelings and beliefs. Any concerns should always be discussed beforehand so both partners know what they’re expecting, and can consent.
Research suggests that some women tend to find their libidos are highest at around the time they ovulate, while some say they notice heightened arousal during their periods (or right before). If you’re horny, a bit of blood shouldn’t stop you from having fun sex just like any other day, so get to it!
If you’re concerned about things getting messy, put a dark coloured towel down or go in the shower. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable. As for sex positions, missionary is probably the best for period sex as lying on your back can lessen blood flow. If your partner doesn’t feel comfortable entertaining foreplay whilst you’re on, make them get a toy out!
You shouldn’t have to lack pleasure because it’s your (perfectly natural) time of the month, that means head shouldn’t be off the cards either. To all you men out there reading this, you can eat pussy with a tampon in btw… Just make sure the tampon is taken out before intercourse, or else that will cause medical complications. The clitoris still works just fine too… don’t forget that!
However, the same rules apply to period sex as they do for any sex. Not into it? Don’t do it.
Period Sex *Confessions*
“When my ex was going down on me, he stopped briefly and looked at me. There was blood on his chin and I was like, “Oh my God -you’ve cut yourself!” Then I looked down and there was more blood and I didn’t realise where it came from until it hit me… My period decided to start at that very moment and I had never been so embarrassed.” K, 23, Brighton.
First of all, getting your period is nothing to be embarrassed about – it is perfectly natural. However I understand that coming on your period sooner than expected is a worry every woman faces, especially when it comes to the bedroom. However, if it’s a regular partner you should feel comfortable just jumping in the shower and continuing in there. These things happen! So to anybody else that has experienced this, or is fearful of experiencing this, remind yourself that periods are a perfectly normal thing and if your partner is a decent person – they won’t make you feel bad about it. Keep calm and carry on!
“So we were having sex in the dark and everything was great until the curtain opened a little and we saw the bloodied hand prints all over both of us – and the wall. It turns out I had come on my period and we hadn’t noticed. He decided we were already covered so f*ck it… carry on! Then my nose decided to start bleeding so I was dripping blood from my nose on his chest as I was on top and bleeding from my vagina. Nice!” A, 27, Bristol.
This is a great confession, because besides the point of what happened – you just carried on! In most instances my advice is to just carry on as normal, a little bit of blood shouldn’t stop you from receiving and enjoying pleasure or else you’d spend a solid minimum of 25% of your life in chastity.
Things can get messy, but sex is messy! Sex isn’t perfect, and neither are humans. SHIT HAPPENS!
Shit Happens 