Threesomes: Are They All They Make Out To Be?

“What struck me was that before this point it had never really occurred to me that threesomes were something that ‘regular’ people did. To me it was something left to the realms of pornography, celebrity, or perhaps those at the very fringes of society.” Ryan Scoats, ‘Understanding Threesomes; Gender, Sex, and Consensual Non-Monogamy’

The normality of threesomes is growing in popular culture. Regularly featured in a wide array of media publications and websites, there is a strong argument that threesomes have become a risqué, but nonetheless socially accepted, perhaps even expected, part of a contemporary young person’s sexual repertoire of experiences.

A lot of the articles online discussing threesomes delve into couples wanting a threesome, and how to go about who to choose, the do’s and don’ts, if you’re completely ready, it’s consensual from both sides of the spectrum, and whether to have it with a rando or a friend. There’s not actually much info on threesomes for single people, who are also interested in exploring that avenue. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to fuck a couple in order to have a threesome either, it can be done in MANY ways.

Why Have A Threesome?

Speaking to The Guardian, last year Dr Ryan Scoats of Coventry University published ‘Understanding Threesomes’ – the first in-depth study on threesomes in 30 years. He had found that the motivations went far beyond straightforward novelty-seeking, from ticking it off a sexual “bucket list”, to settling psychological debts – for example, by leveling the score with an unfaithful partner. One woman who had cheated on her husband in a threesome later repeated the experience with him as payback.

“It can be an absolute sex romp,” says Scoats. “It can be about power, it can be about fun and excitement, it can be about alcohol. It can be that it was just there, and ‘Why not?’ And it can be all of these things, and none of these things.”

Some study participants told Scoats that they had gone ahead with it primarily for someone else’s benefit – a motivation he termed “sexual altruism”. It might be that their partner had a threesome fantasy that they didn’t necessarily share, or that they wanted to act on same-sex attraction within a mixed-sex relationship (especially common among women).

Are You Comfortable?

The general consensus implied that threesomes with your friends, and people you know are a lot better than having it with rando’s, in more ways than one. The intimate experience shared between three people can bring you a lot closer, in ways you didn’t feel were possible. Rarely do threesomes actually take place with three complete total strangers. Another common threesome scenario is couples, where they bring in an added extra to their sex life, to spice things up a bit. That person is often referred to as a ‘unicorn’ in the sex world.

As much as I probably would have a threesome, and like the idea of it, I don’t quite know how I’d feel about a hot (random) couple suggesting the idea… I think I’d think it was a ploy to murder me and get paranoid – refraining me from engaging in the act. Which I guess is why threesomes with friends appeals to people a lot more, because it’s… safer? I guess?

Most females stated they would feel safer having a threesome FFM because it’s more intimidating with two men, and the woman would generally feel more comfortable in that situation with another woman, rather than another man.

Fi ndings suggest: that although some women perceived MMF threesomes to be potentially objectifying and unsafe, this referred to a very specific type of MMF threesome—ones that did NOT include men engaging in same-sex sex interaction. In contrast, threesomes which did include men who interacted together sexually were seen as less objectifying, safer, and a potential source of arousal.

Bringing A Third Into Your Relationship

Photo Credit: Axel Bueckert/Getty Images/EyeEm

Once you’ve decided your relationship can handle a ménage à trois, then comes the actual hard part: figuring out how to have a sexy, romantic, drama-free threesome. P.s. best friends and boyfriend do not mix.

“Attempting a three-way doesn’t necessarily mean you’re courting catastrophe. It can definitely open the door for things to get weird or go wrong, though. But as long as you’re both all in, you’ve built a solid foundation of trust and communication, and you all respect the safety of everyone involved, threesomes can be a whole new way to expand your sexual repertoire. Do you share a fantasy you feel safe exploring together? Are you equally comfortable with trying a tri? Or is one of you doing it just to please the other — or to fish the relationship out of the toilet?” Says Paul Joannides, PsyD and author of ‘The Guide to Getting It On‘, to Greatest.com. Joannides continues,

“Before you even begin to look for a third player, you need to be crystal clear with yourself – and your partner – about why you want to have a threesome in the first place.”

Apps like 3nder specialise in threesome connections. And some regular dating sites have options for polyamorous couples looking for ways to recruit another partner. Whether you’re seeking someone online or off, it’s probably good to avoid friends and former lovers, Joannides advises. There’s no need to re-open old wounds from previous broken relationships, or make things forever awkward with a friend because you now can’t un-see their O face.

Also, make sure you and your partner are feeling sexual chemistry with the third wheel, a threesome is not going to be enjoyable for everyone if there’s one person who’s just not into it. Metro states, “Same-sex threesomes like F/F/F and M/M/M are kind of easy. Everyone is (generally) attracted to each other. But if you’re in a F/M/M or M/F/F threesome, or two people aren’t attracted to each other, things can get tricky. More pressure is put on one person to please the other two – and it can be exhausting.” An anonymous source has very kindly written in to Shit Happens, and they also back up this concept,

Confession #1 “I was fifteen and I did it with a couple which resulted in their break-up“

“All of my threesomes have been spontaneous, I’ve done MMF, FFM, and FFF. My first experience wasn’t the best. I was fifteen and I did it with a couple which resulted in their break-up. It was sober, but not planned. I didn’t experiment with threesomes again until I was 18 and that was FFF, so I was way more into it. My most recent one was MMF, not sober in the slightest and it wasn’t awkward at all. However, I do believe that if one of the parties is shit in bed, then it lets the side down.” Anon, London, 23

‘Opening up’ a monogamous relationship is often perceived as a threat to its long-term stability, either by reflecting a weakened commitment or by giving rise to jealousy. That can certainly be the case, says cultural anthropologist and writer of ‘Plays Well in Groups: A Journey Through the World of Group Sex’, Katherine Frank. “You can’t control what happens with two people. What makes you think you could with three?”

“People say, ‘You need to overcome your jealousy’, and that can sound really great when you’re sober in the daylight, but a lot of sex is subconscious. Something can suddenly hit you: ‘He moved her hair in a certain way’ – those things can trigger a jealous response that’s not even rational, that may be fleeting or intense.”

In general, Frank cautions against having too many expectations of how threesomes might go, especially for the first time: “The fantasy almost never lives up to the reality.” Equally important: what won’t be happening? Everything is up for discussion here. Is kissing off the cards? Is penetration off the cards, or is it fine as long as no one ejaculates in anyone else? Whoever is invited into the bedroom with you should never leave feeling like they’ve caused the rift between the two people in a relationship to get bigger. Sex should be a pleasurable, positive experience for all parties involved.

Which Age Bracket Loves Threesomes the Most?

The truth is, many threesomes are driven by a desire for novelty. For younger people, the “consumer sexuality” view, may be to maximise their experience before settling down into a relationship. But ‘Tell Me What You Want’ author and sex researcher, Lehmiller’s data shows college students are actually the least likely group to fantasize about threesomes.

Instead, Lehmiller found, interest in threesomes peaked around aged 40 and remained high for about the next 20 years before declining. “Most of these people are in long-term, monogamous relationships, and they are looking at threesomes as a way of injecting novelty into their sex life,” he says.

Analytics of the porn streaming site ‘Pornhub’ shows that ‘threesome’ was the second most commonly viewed category of pornography by women in 2018, and the eighth most viewed category overall – across all viewers. (Porn Hub’s 2018 Year in Review, 2019). So is it really a surprise that so many people are up for bringing someone else into the mix?! It is a fantasy many people seem to get off on.

Food for Thought

Facilitating real-life threesomes has become easier with the creation of location-based smartphone apps such as Tinder, Grindr, and even some dedicated to finding threesomes, such as Feeld (formally 3nder), 3somer, and Trippple. Location-based apps allow users to find others looking for the same thing (be this dating, casual sex, etc.), sorted by geographical proximity so you can have fun wherever you are in the world!

As fun as threesomes seem, there is a lot of thinking that needs to go into it. Such as facilitating the correct use of protection when swapping partners, and… just when do they leave? GQ Magazine states, “Logically, you’ll want to have some cool-down and cleaning-off time, maybe offer them a drink, but, are they staying over? If they aren’t, and you don’t have good public transport links, are you paying for their Uber? If they are, are you making them breakfast? What are you allowed to do with your third while one of you is out of the room?” Just a few things to think about before engaging in your first threesome.

Confession #2 “ONE OF THE BEST SEX EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!”

“It was a Tuesday, me and my friends ended up going on a spontaneous night out to an Irish bar (with plans to get home at a decent time). It got messy. We then met three guys (all in their thirties) with whom ended up coming back home with us.

We got back to the flat and got fucked up for a few hours. Normally I’m the first to go to bed, so I don’t have to be the one to kick anyone out, but because I liked one of the guys, I ended up being the last. Both of my flat mates went to bed and left me in the lounge – alone. One of the guys decided to go home. So it was just me and these two lads.

This is where it got a bit uncomfortable for me, as I wanted to take one of them to my room but the other guy was like “you go, and I’ll stay here and wait”. I thought, no way… that’s a bit weird? But then the other guy said “why don’t we both just fuck you then?” And because I’d never had a threesome before I thought, I’m fully up for this, I’m gonna do it! I think to start with I was quite dominant in who was where, and what I wanted. I never thought in a million years it would even happen!

So, next minute I’m sucking one of them off whilst the other one was fucking me. Then at one point, I actually was having anal and sex at the same time – and it was incredible! It went on for ages, all across the living room. I had never been chucked around so much in my life, and the sex was AMAZING! The two lads didn’t want to do anything to each other, so they just took in turns with me. I think we continued doing this till about 8am, and then when I woke up the next morning I realised I didn’t get either of their numbers and will probably never see them again. Gutted. But it is definitely up there as one of the best sex experiences of my life.” Anon, Sheffield, 22

THANK YOU!

I just want to use this post to thank everybody that has taken part so far in this new project of mine, and also I’d like to thank everybody that reads these articles and likes/ follows/ shares the page. Your interaction is SO appreciated. Don’t feel as though there’s anything you CAN’T talk about with me, my DM’s and e-mail is always open, as are my thoughts. Even if it’s just a general question and you want a second opinion, but you’re too embarrassed to ask friends or your partner – please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Our conversations will remain completely anonymous unless you request otherwise. Whilst you’re here why not read my most recent article? The Female Orgasm & Squirting: The Truths!

Anal Sex: Shit… Happens

Since reaching an Instagram milestone of 200 followers (@shshithappens), the inspiration behind the name of Shit Happens shall be revealed. The name comes not only from shit happening in the bedroom, but from actual SHIT happening. SHIT… HAPPENS! And if you want to engage in anal sex, then you best get used to that thought.

The main struggle I’ve faced is the lack of consideration in my partner when it comes to anal sex, which has since put me off engaging in it again. I presume most women have experienced this? Tried it once, and thought nope. Never again. You might not have even been able to get to the stage of actually trying it, because it just hurt too much.

Treat people how you want to be treated. If you were to be penetrated in your tiny sphincter would you want them just going straight in? No, you most definitely would not. Treat your partner’s arsehole how you would want yours treated. Plenty of lube, foreplay and communication is the key to fun anal sex!

Expectations Vs Reality

Despite what you may have seen in porn or heard from your friends, anal sex isn’t something that can be done without lots of lube lube, lots of foreplay and a hefty amount of communication. PLEASE DO NOT force entry into the back passage, this not only causes a sharp stinging pain that then proceeds to hurt for ten minutes, but it can also cause tears.

This is why anal sex puts you at a higher risk of contracting HIV because of the potential for blood on blood contact. So for your own safety, and your partners, wear a condom and make sure their arsehole is ready for you! Communication is key. “Does that hurt?”/ “Does that feel good?”/ “How is it?”/ “Are you comfortable?”/ “Can I go faster?” etc…

While yes, the ol’ “sorry I slipped and almost went into the wrong hole” happens sometimes, it’s unlikely that without a fuck ton of lube, your partner won’t be able to actually penetrate you all the way in.

The rumors are true: Anal does have the possibility of getting messy. Like anything sex related, when you’re swapping bodily fluids, unwrapping condoms, using lube, there’s the potential to stain or make a mess. If you want extra peace of mind, make sure the surface you and your partner engage on is comfortable and washable.

How to Make it Easier

You can make anal sex easier for yourself by anal training or gradually introducing larger and larger toys into your anus to train your muscles to get used to the feeling of something going up there.

But like any other sex act, if things start to hurt in a way that’s no longer fun, you should stop. Pain most commonly comes from anal fissures, or little tears in the tissue around the anus, which is very thin and delicate. A good way to remedy that is using lots of lube and starting with smaller objects, rather than big ones. Anal tears should heal within a few days but may cause a bit of mild discomfort when you’re going to the toilet.

Lube, Lube, LUBE!!!

Unlike the vagina, the anus lacks lubrication. When a woman is aroused, the vagina provides its own lubricant for sex. The anus, however, does not. That means you have to provide it. Penetration without lubrication can tear the delicate tissue inside the anus, which can lead to pain and bleeding. No “Oops! It slipped!” excuses here — as that would be a major violation of trust and consent.

When it comes to anal and lube, there’s plenty of options. The best lubes for anal sex are the thicker lubricants as they don’t dry out as quick.

PSA: DO NOT USE NUMBING CREAMS!!! Sex Educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall says to Cosmopolitan that you should, “Avoid numbing creams. I know they are tempting, but pain is your body’s way of letting you know something is wrong, if your anus is numb, you can’t tell if any of your activities are causing damage. You can’t feel if you need more lube or if your body is tightening up to the penetration or impact.”

Shit Happens.. Just Make Sure You Clean It Up

Medical Director Lauren Streitcher says to Women’s Health, “This is also why anal sex can be pleasurable- it gets your pelvic floor stimulated and contracting – which in turn will get you to poop.” If there’s poop there, there’s a chance it’ll make its way out.

How do you prevent any dark messes, you may wonder? If you have one anal sex mantra, let it be, “make sure you’re not due to poo”. Sexologist Juliet Allen states that to prevent any poop disasters, avoid eating fatty and spicy foods. If it does happen, your partner must appreciate it is a possible consequence of the act, and therefore, not make you feel embarrassed. Just clean yourselves up!

How to Have ‘Clean’ Anal Sex

Anal douching isn’t just for the gays! Anybody who wants to engage in anal play, and is worried about feces, douching will give you a bit of reassurance to say the least. Douching is basically the act of flushing your rectum out with water. You can use several objects to achieve this or just use a shower head, douching apparatus are further explained here.

Whether giving or receiving, male or female, precautions still need to be taken. You are at risk of Sexual Transmitted Infections anytime you engage in skin on skin contact, so to help prevent the transmission – use condoms! To read more about Condoms and Consent read here, even if a woman is pegging a man, STD’s can be carried on sex toys too.

Even if you’re monogamous, STI’s aside, using a condom prevents bacteria from the bowls spreading anywhere else, so yeah – just use a condom. You should never use the same condom from anal to vaginal penetration for obvious reasons.. No one wants poop in their vagina!

Pegging

Pegging is a fetish that has come more to the foreground in recent years, it is where a woman penetrates a man up his anus with a strap-on. If you’re interested in this, you should always engage in anal foreplay before you go in balls deep. Try having your partner rim you, and using a finger or two before using plenty of lube on you, and on the toy to assure the lubrication is there to insert the dildo – just as you would when preparing a woman for anal sex.

The thing with anal sex is people (mainly heterosexual men) think they can just go straight in. Urm, no? Just like pegging, it needs to be prepared. Just because it’s a woman’s arsehole doesn’t mean it’s any different to a man’s, in the way it functions. For pleasurable anal sex, a lot of lube and a lot of foreplay and patience is needed. If you don’t want to do any of that, then you’re not going to end up having anal sex.

If you’re thinking of trying anal sex for the first time, or trying it out again, Cosmopolitan have written a useful article on 15 Anal Sex Positions That Will Reinvent Going Back There. Be patient, be kind, and – mess aside – have fun!

Condoms and Consent

What is Consent?

We like to think that sex and consent go hand in hand, but it just isn’t as black and white as that. I’m sure we all wish it was. Consent can seem like an incredibly grey area, and those who have casual partners will probably have experienced consent less than those in committed relationships. Consent isn’t just “no means no”. Ok? There is a big difference between consensual sex and rape. Consent is defined by Section 74 Sexual Offences Act 2003.

Someone consents to vaginal, anal or oral penetration only if s/he agrees by choice to that penetration and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.
Consent to sexual activity may be given to one sort of sexual activity but not another, e.g. to vaginal but not anal sex. Or with conditions, such as wearing a condom.
Consent can be withdrawn at any time during sexual activity, and each time activity occurs.

When Else Can’t Somebody Consent?

Evidence that by reason of drink, drugs, sleep, age or mental disability the complainant was unaware of what was occurring and/ or incapable of giving valid consent; or
Evidence that the complainant was deceived as to the identity of the person with whom (s)he had intercourse.
If there’s an assertion of force or threats.
A boy or girl under the age of 16 cannot consent in UK law.

We’ve All Been There – and if Not – We Know Somebody That Has

In my own experiences that I reflect back on, there’s been some questionable circumstances to which acts have happened. For example, agreeing to have sex with someone if they wear a condom and then them just putting their penis inside you without one on. Not only is the risk of pregnancy now available, but the risk of catching STD’s is too.

Just like this coronavirus, those with a virus can carry it without symptoms, and therefore unknowingly pass it on to somebody else. Condoms don’t protect you 100% from STD’s and pregnancy but it does decrease your risk by a sufficient amount.

When you’re ‘in the mood’, you can sometimes get a little bit carried away with what’s happening but unless you ask for consent/ or consent to unprotected sex – you should not be having it. I haven’t been on contraception for nearly four years on the principle that I don’t like the idea of pumping hormones into my body, or messing with my fertility.

Now lots of women all over the world DON’T take birth control for various reasons, so to prevent any unwarranted mini versions of yourself running around, you should always wear a condom as a double precaution. The condom side of sex is on both individuals, as it takes two to tango, however using the ‘I don’t have a condom’ or ‘I don’t like the feel of condoms’ excuse to have unprotected sex is getting old and frankly quite boring.

On the other hand, if you both distinguish neither of you has a condom and you both still want to go ahead – that is fine. There’s still a risk of STD’s and pregnancy, however a risk you have both agreed to nonetheless. But can men just STOP SLIDING IT IN?! There’s no going back once it’s already in, the damage has already been done, and you feel humiliated asking him to put a condom on once he’s already put it in without. Right?

Consent can come in many forms, as long as both partners know what they’re consenting to, then the act can go ahead. If you’ve agreed to have sex under the conditions of wearing a condom and you dismiss that, and go in dry, that is actually classed as sexual assault and so is removing a condom during intercourse.

Non-consensual condom removal, or ‘stealthing’, is the practice of a man covertly removing or damaging a condom during sexual intercourse, when his sex partner has only consented to condom-protected sex. Such behaviour may be regarded as sexual assault or rape and it is classed as a form of reproductive coercion.

There’s so many things that are actually classed as sexual assault and/or rape, but we don’t want to say the word, so we avoid it and pretend like it’s no big deal. Drunk sex is a big one. We’ve all done it, if not yourself, I bet you know somebody that has been under the influence and has a rapey sex story. Right?

If someone has been sick, can’t talk, or can’t move, you having sex with them is rape. They don’t have any power as to what is going on around them, and you taking advantage of their unconscious state is the actions of those of a sexual predator who deserves to be locked away.

Condoms are Sexy!

It’s sexy when a man gets a condom out because you instantly know he looks after his sexual health or it at least gives you some reassurance that at he is weary of it. Plus it’s a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, because now you don’t have to find the right time to say it, and instigate the use of a condom. Pressuring people to go unprotected is not ok under any circumstances – that too is sexual assault. No excuses. No condom? No sex.

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Sex is sex. As long as both parties consent, it’s going to be great with or without a condom. Considering the risks involved – just wear a condom – it saves all kinds of stress!

For a list of rape/sexual abuse & assault helplines available, head over to this link on ITV.