Category Archives: Confessions

Let’s Talk About “The Ick”

The ick. We have all had it and we have probably all given it to someone somewhere too. The icks can be minor or major and can often appear a mean judgment to those who don’t understand. The ick is something you can’t unsee, a siren you wish you never saw.

Let’s talk about the ick.

What is “The Ick”?

For those who haven’t heard of the infamous phrase “the ick” – in shorthand – it is where someone does or says something that makes your attraction to that person flip into a feeling of disgust or embarrassment, something that puts you off them.

For example, an ick could be an opinion that a lot of people would agree with, like the fact your partner doesn’t clip their toenails, or it could be something more pedantic that only you find to be an ick, like when someone is doing something completely human (that most wouldn’t see as an “ick”) such as waving at people or the way they walk.

How Do You Give “The Ick”?

The term is commonly used to attack someone’s behaviour, mannerisms, or appearance; it is usually an attack on something you either can’t control or something you are completely unaware of. However the ick is nothing to fear, there are always going to be attributes people like about you and there is always going to be attributes that people dislike about you – it is human nature. Fear not if you give someone the ick, fear only if you are giving everybody the ick.

How Do You Get “The Ick”?

At the end of the day it is ultimately up to you to decide if the ick is a red flag or is worth jeopardising your relationship for. Usually, icks are incredibly minor to everybody else but a much bigger issue to the person who has the ick, and if you have it you need to weigh up whether you can put up with it or not. Like mentioned formerly, there’s always going to be things that people like and dislike and you have to weigh up whether the things you like outweigh the qualities you dislike in order to continue the relationship. 

Why Do People Find Icks Funny?

Finding out something you do is an ick can be hard to take for some people, and even more so when people are laughing about it, but icks are funny because they are relatable. That is why the term is being used all over Instagram and Tik Tok, because we have all experienced that feeling.

For example, if someone comes to you talking about a date that didn’t go well because of a certain ick and your friend jumps in and says they share the same ick, you both share that commonality of the same ick and can totally understand where one another are coming from whereas others may see it as a harsh/ mean judgement. The ick is a feeling, a feeling of second-hand embarrassment, a feeling of cringe that makes you question everything you once thought about that person, and it can come from the most randomest of places.

Should I Give a Fu*k? 

The bottom line is no, not really. If something you do bothers someone else, that is their problem to deal with. What may give one person the ick may be the reason for another person falling in love with you. Stay true to you.

Examples of “The Ick”

So you can get more of an idea as to what some people consider a personal ick of theirs, some great examples sent in were:

“Bad selfies.”

“When boys follow too many girls on Instagram.”

“Temper tantrums.”

“Smokers.”

“When their hair has blown up in the wind.”

“Bad breath.”

“Ugly shoes. Just casually wearing hiking shoes or ballet pumps is just.. No, soz.”

“Treating hospitality staff like shit. You can be a 10 but quickly turn to a 1.”

“Telling me to take my heels off because I am taller than them.”

“Skinny jeans and loafers.”

“Typing loose when they mean lose.”

“Girls cycling.”

Anal Sex: Shit… Happens

@chiaraliki

Since reaching an Instagram milestone of 200 followers (@shshithappens), the inspiration behind the name of Shit Happens shall be revealed. The name comes not only from shit happening in the bedroom, but from actual SHIT happening. SHIT… HAPPENS! And if you want to engage in anal sex, then you best get used to that thought.

The main struggle I’ve faced is the lack of consideration in my partner when it comes to anal sex, which has since put me off engaging in it again. I presume most women have experienced this? Tried it once, and thought nope. Never again. You might not have even been able to get to the stage of actually trying it, because it just hurt too much.

Treat people how you want to be treated. If you were to be penetrated in your tiny sphincter would you want them just going straight in? No, you most definitely would not. Treat your partner’s arsehole how you would want yours treated. Plenty of lube, foreplay and communication is the key to fun anal sex!

Expectations Vs Reality

Despite what you may have seen in porn or heard from your friends, anal sex isn’t something that can be done without lots of lube lube, lots of foreplay and a hefty amount of communication. PLEASE DO NOT force entry into the back passage, this not only causes a sharp stinging pain that then proceeds to hurt for ten minutes, but it can also cause tears.

This is why anal sex puts you at a higher risk of contracting HIV because of the potential for blood on blood contact. So for your own safety, and your partners, wear a condom and make sure their arsehole is ready for you! Communication is key. “Does that hurt?”/ “Does that feel good?”/ “How is it?”/ “Are you comfortable?”/ “Can I go faster?” etc…

While yes, the ol’ “sorry I slipped and almost went into the wrong hole” happens sometimes, it’s unlikely that without a fuck ton of lube, your partner won’t be able to actually penetrate you all the way in.

The rumors are true: Anal does have the possibility of getting messy. Like anything sex related, when you’re swapping bodily fluids, unwrapping condoms, using lube, there’s the potential to stain or make a mess. If you want extra peace of mind, make sure the surface you and your partner engage on is comfortable and washable.

How to Make it Easier

You can make anal sex easier for yourself by anal training or gradually introducing larger and larger toys into your anus to train your muscles to get used to the feeling of something going up there.

But like any other sex act, if things start to hurt in a way that’s no longer fun, you should stop. Pain most commonly comes from anal fissures, or little tears in the tissue around the anus, which is very thin and delicate. A good way to remedy that is using lots of lube and starting with smaller objects, rather than big ones. Anal tears should heal within a few days but may cause a bit of mild discomfort when you’re going to the toilet.

Lube, Lube, LUBE!!!

Unlike the vagina, the anus lacks lubrication. When a woman is aroused, the vagina provides its own lubricant for sex. The anus, however, does not. That means you have to provide it. Penetration without lubrication can tear the delicate tissue inside the anus, which can lead to pain and bleeding. No “Oops! It slipped!” excuses here — as that would be a major violation of trust and consent.

When it comes to anal and lube, there’s plenty of options. The best lubes for anal sex are the thicker lubricants as they don’t dry out as quick.

PSA: DO NOT USE NUMBING CREAMS!!! Sex Educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall says to Cosmopolitan that you should, “Avoid numbing creams. I know they are tempting, but pain is your body’s way of letting you know something is wrong, if your anus is numb, you can’t tell if any of your activities are causing damage. You can’t feel if you need more lube or if your body is tightening up to the penetration or impact.”

Shit Happens.. Just Make Sure You Clean It Up

Medical Director Lauren Streitcher says to Women’s Health, “This is also why anal sex can be pleasurable- it gets your pelvic floor stimulated and contracting – which in turn will get you to poop.” If there’s poop there, there’s a chance it’ll make its way out.

How do you prevent any dark messes, you may wonder? If you have one anal sex mantra, let it be, “make sure you’re not due to poo”. Sexologist Juliet Allen states that to prevent any poop disasters, avoid eating fatty and spicy foods. If it does happen, your partner must appreciate it is a possible consequence of the act, and therefore, not make you feel embarrassed. Just clean yourselves up!

How to Have ‘Clean’ Anal Sex

Anal douching isn’t just for the gays! Anybody who wants to engage in anal play, and is worried about feces, douching will give you a bit of reassurance to say the least. Douching is basically the act of flushing your rectum out with water. You can use several objects to achieve this or just use a shower head, douching apparatus are further explained here.

Whether giving or receiving, male or female, precautions still need to be taken. You are at risk of Sexual Transmitted Infections anytime you engage in skin on skin contact, so to help prevent the transmission – use condoms! To read more about Condoms and Consent read here, even if a woman is pegging a man, STD’s can be carried on sex toys too.

Even if you’re monogamous, STI’s aside, using a condom prevents bacteria from the bowls spreading anywhere else, so yeah – just use a condom. You should never use the same condom from anal to vaginal penetration for obvious reasons.. No one wants poop in their vagina!

Pegging

Pegging is a fetish that has come more to the foreground in recent years, it is where a woman penetrates a man up his anus with a strap-on. If you’re interested in this, you should always engage in anal foreplay before you go in balls deep. Try having your partner rim you, and using a finger or two before using plenty of lube on you, and on the toy to assure the lubrication is there to insert the dildo – just as you would when preparing a woman for anal sex.

The thing with anal sex is people (mainly heterosexual men) think they can just go straight in. Urm, no? Just like pegging, it needs to be prepared. Just because it’s a woman’s arsehole doesn’t mean it’s any different to a man’s, in the way it functions. For pleasurable anal sex, a lot of lube and a lot of foreplay and patience is needed. If you don’t want to do any of that, then you’re not going to end up having anal sex.

If you’re thinking of trying anal sex for the first time, or trying it out again, Cosmopolitan have written a useful article on 15 Anal Sex Positions That Will Reinvent Going Back There. Be patient, be kind, and – mess aside – have fun!

Condoms and Consent

What is Consent?

We like to think that sex and consent go hand in hand, but it just isn’t as black and white as that. I’m sure we all wish it was. Consent can seem like an incredibly grey area, and those who have casual partners will probably have experienced consent less than those in committed relationships. Consent isn’t just “no means no”. Ok? There is a big difference between consensual sex and rape. Consent is defined by Section 74 Sexual Offences Act 2003.

  • Someone consents to vaginal, anal or oral penetration only if s/he agrees by choice to that penetration and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.
  • Consent to sexual activity may be given to one sort of sexual activity but not another, e.g. to vaginal but not anal sex. Or with conditions, such as wearing a condom.
  • Consent can be withdrawn at any time during sexual activity, and each time activity occurs.

When Else Can’t Somebody Consent?

  • Evidence that by reason of drink, drugs, sleep, age or mental disability the complainant was unaware of what was occurring and/ or incapable of giving valid consent; or
  • Evidence that the complainant was deceived as to the identity of the person with whom (s)he had intercourse.
  • If there’s an assertion of force or threats.
  • A boy or girl under the age of 16 cannot consent in UK law.

We’ve All Been There – and if Not – We Know Somebody That Has

In my own experiences that I reflect back on, there’s been some questionable circumstances to which acts have happened. For example, agreeing to have sex with someone if they wear a condom and then them just putting their penis inside you without one on. Not only is the risk of pregnancy now available, but the risk of catching STD’s is too.

Just like this coronavirus, those with a virus can carry it without symptoms, and therefore unknowingly pass it on to somebody else. Condoms don’t protect you 100% from STD’s and pregnancy but it does decrease your risk by a sufficient amount.

When you’re ‘in the mood’, you can sometimes get a little bit carried away with what’s happening but unless you ask for consent/ or consent to unprotected sex – you should not be having it. I haven’t been on contraception for nearly four years on the principle that I don’t like the idea of pumping hormones into my body, or messing with my fertility.

Now lots of women all over the world DON’T take birth control for various reasons, so to prevent any unwarranted mini versions of yourself running around, you should always wear a condom as a double precaution. The condom side of sex is on both individuals, as it takes two to tango, however using the ‘I don’t have a condom’ or ‘I don’t like the feel of condoms’ excuse to have unprotected sex is getting old and frankly quite boring.

On the other hand, if you both distinguish neither of you has a condom and you both still want to go ahead – that is fine. There’s still a risk of STD’s and pregnancy, however a risk you have both agreed to nonetheless. But can men just STOP SLIDING IT IN?! There’s no going back once it’s already in, the damage has already been done, and you feel humiliated asking him to put a condom on once he’s already put it in without. Right?

Consent can come in many forms, as long as both partners know what they’re consenting to, then the act can go ahead. If you’ve agreed to have sex under the conditions of wearing a condom and you dismiss that, and go in dry, that is actually classed as sexual assault and so is removing a condom during intercourse.

Non-consensual condom removal, or ‘stealthing’, is the practice of a man covertly removing or damaging a condom during sexual intercourse, when his sex partner has only consented to condom-protected sex. Such behaviour may be regarded as sexual assault or rape and it is classed as a form of reproductive coercion.

There’s so many things that are actually classed as sexual assault and/or rape, but we don’t want to say the word, so we avoid it and pretend like it’s no big deal. Drunk sex is a big one. We’ve all done it, if not yourself, I bet you know somebody that has been under the influence and has a rapey sex story. Right?

If someone has been sick, can’t talk, or can’t move, you having sex with them is rape. They don’t have any power as to what is going on around them, and you taking advantage of their unconscious state is the actions of those of a sexual predator who deserves to be locked away.

Condoms are Sexy!

It’s sexy when a man gets a condom out because you instantly know he looks after his sexual health or it at least gives you some reassurance that at he is weary of it. Plus it’s a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, because now you don’t have to find the right time to say it, and instigate the use of a condom. Pressuring people to go unprotected is not ok under any circumstances – that too is sexual assault. No excuses. No condom? No sex.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is consent3-1.png

Sex is sex. As long as both parties consent, it’s going to be great with or without a condom. Considering the risks involved – just wear a condom – it saves all kinds of stress!

For a list of rape/sexual abuse & assault helplines available, head over to this link on ITV.

Vaginismus

Illustration: Ari Saperstein

What is Vaginismus?

Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction of the muscles surrounding the entrance to the vagina. It doesn’t interfere with sexual arousal, but it does make penetration painful – and sometimes, impossible.

What Causes Vaginismus?

Hope & Her state that there can be various causes for Vaginismus, ranging from, physical and mental medical conditions, age-related changes, defects at birth, and medications, to abuse – however sometimes there is simply no identifiable cause. 

“Depending on the intensity, penetration issues will range from minor burning sensations with tightness to total closure of the vaginal opening with impossible penetration.”

Two Types of Vaginismus

According to Heathline.com, vaginismus is classified into two types: primary vaginismus and secondary vaginismus. 

Primary Vaginismus: When vaginal penetration has never been achieved. // Secondary Vaginismus: When vaginal penetration has been previously achieved, but is no longer possible, potentially due to factors such as gynecologic surgery, trauma, or radiation.

Misdiagnosis

There is also dyspareunia, which is the medical term for painful sexual intercourse. It’s often confused with vaginismus, but dyspareunia could be due to cysts, pelvic inflammatory disease, or vaginal atrophy.

To read more on dyspareunia, Mayo Clinic have written a useful article with everything you need to know about dyspareunia. Just click the link.

Image result for vaginismus cartoon

Confession

“For most of my teens and early twenties I struggled with vaginismus. You wouldn’t know you had an issue until you go to try and have sex. You could be fine using tampons, but suddenly when it matters, then everything just clamps shut. Great.

I only found out that I had Vaginismus when I tried to have sex for the first time when I was 16. The opportunity arose – parents and younger siblings were away for the weekend, we got down to it, condom on and it wasn’t going in…

We tried wiggling around, different positions, nothing was working. Worst of all, it would be extremely painful when we forced it. Then his parents returned earlier than planned, and I found myself running down their incomprehensibly long driveway with the wrong shoes on my feet.” – J, London, 29

As time went by, she felt nervous when it came around to having to explain her Vaginismus to a new partner. One night stands and flings would be even more confused. Making some relationships difficult, well sexual ones anyway… 

“There were occasions when I was very grateful that I didn’t sleep with someone who I knew I would have regretted. And it was a relief to not worry about pregnancy too much either. I managed this way for nearly 9 years after I first tried to have sex.” – J

Vaginismus Treatments

J recommends that the use of vaginal dilators can help with vaginismus. The NHS have a poster with everything you need to know about vaginal dilators, and they define a vaginal dilator as a plastic shape that is used to stretch (widen and lengthen) the vagina. They come in a range of sizes, as displayed in the image below, to allow gradual stretching of the vagina. 

Vuva Girl have written a useful article on what you need to know about how to use vaginal dilators. They state that for best results, you should use them 1-2 times a day. 

She finds that breathing exercises before sex help too, taking slow inhalations to saturate the lungs with oxygen, relaxing the body.

A Little Reassurance…

“I’m still grateful in a weird way for my vaginismus. In my head, my vagina is this odd prudish lady and she’s got way more sense than me! It taught me the value of taking things slowly, taught me more about my body than I would have known otherwise, and also protected me from some shitty hookups. So if you’re experiencing this, please don’t panic and please don’t think you’re weird. There is loads more information on it now, and it’s much more readily accessible. And at the very least, use it as an excuse to get him to go down on you girl!” – J, London, 29

Get Involved

If you would like to share one of your sex stories that you deem to be ’embarrassing’ or ‘cringey’ or even if you have any questions, send them over to shithappenstothebestofus@gmail.com and let’s change that! Shit Happens is a completely #JudgementFreeZone and I need YOUR stories!

Sex and… Sick!

Confession One

“I had not long been with my boyfriend, like a couple of months? If that? We were freshers too. So the concept of freedom, youth and a new partner meant we fucked like rabbits all the time. However, as a fresher my diet consisted of 90% noodles.

One night we were going at it like normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Until he finished that is, I get up to go to the loo and clean myself up (always pee after sex!) and vomited up the entire pot of beef noodles I had for my dinner before – without warning. I guess the shag shook up the contents of my stomach? It was horrendous, and he could hear me vomiting.

We’ve been together for four years now and I haven’t eaten those noodles in years.” (S, 22, The South).

Image result for someone gagging gif

#StayOffNoodles

Vigorous exercise and a poor diet of the same saturated foods day in day out is bound to disagree with you at one point S. Thankfully it was AFTER you finished having sex.

Instant noodles are often full of sodium, so consuming those high levels of salt, with next to no protein or fibre on a daily basis is going to make you dehydrated, which according to registered nutritionist Jim White for Vice says, “That much sodium would likely lead to serious water retention. That would promote weight gain, and also feeling bloated, sluggish, or lethargic.”

Although the I must admit, I think that the sex definitely shook it up. However, on this topic I do have another contributor who has shared their story, but wasn’t quite as lucky…

Confession Two

“I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob whilst he was laying down and I was kneeling in between his legs. He thought it would be a great idea to grab my head and push it down really hard.

As I pulled my head up I projectile vomited all over his penis, chest and stomach. I then proceeded to cry for about fifteen minutes because I was so embarrassed.” (R, London, 27).

The gag reflex is a tender thing within some people, and to push your head straight down on it wasn’t necessarily going to go very well – some men just get too god damn horny! Respect each other’s limits in the bedroom to avoid things like this. He should be the one that was embarrassed – not you!

Get Involved

If you would like to share one of your sex stories that you deem to be ’embarrassing’ or ‘cringey’ or even if you have any questions, send them over to shithappenstothebestofus@gmail.com and let’s change that! Shit Happens is a completely #JudgementFreeZone

Sex and… Seizures!

“I’ve only told a few friends about this story and they keel over with laughter every time I tell it.” Dan, 26, Birmingham.

“From all my teen years I’ve suffered from epilepsy. It started with absence seizures in school where you gorm out for a few minutes, to full blown grand mal seizures. I’m one and a half years free of them now, for clarity.”

Dan began talking to a girl on tinder, they mutually agreed to ‘hook-up’ around her house whilst her parents were out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary.

They arrived in the living room of her huge house and there was a beautiful glass coffee table, she tells him it was about £15,000. They begin getting it on, on the sofa whilst the TV was on in the background, they engage in foreplay and then intercourse…

“So I’m About to Climax and My Vision Turns Purple”

“So I’m about to climax and my vision turns purple, I get a burning sensation smell and an extreme headache (ten times worse than a migraine) and I fall into a seizure whilst we’re fucking, collapsing head first onto the coffee table, damaging it, and snapping one of the legs. I split my head open, and blood is squirting out onto the off white carpet… butt naked.”

Just as seizures may affect your day to day life, like performance at work, it can also affect your performance during sex. In an article written by Diana Rodriguez for Every Day Health she states that,

“While the exact reasons aren’t entirely understood, seizures may impact your sex life in the following ways: decreased interest in sex, difficulty becoming aroused, pain during intercourse for women, trouble sustaining erections, and seizures during or after sex. Though strenuous physical activity and powerful emotions can trigger seizures in some people, there’s no concrete evidence that sex itself causes seizures. ”

The girl panics, whilst he’s completely unconscious, but she does ring an ambulance (and her parents), who then rushed home from the local restaurant to see what the matter was.

For Most People, Having a Seizure During Sex Is No More Likely Than Having One At Any Other Time

Some people may fear having a seizure during sex, especially if their seizures are triggered by physical activity, fast breathing or excitement. However, for most people, having a seizure during sex is no more likely than having one at any other time. Talking to your partner before-hand about what to do if you have a seizure during sex may help you both to manage this fear.

“I woke up with an oxygen mask, paramedics, and her parents ensuring I was cool. I went into A&E, and was discharged the following morning. My Dad asked me if I was okay and what happened, I definitely didn’t tell him the full story!”

As an individual who has experienced having a seizure during sex, or as someone who is anxious about having a seizure during sex – there is a lot of things you can do. For example, talk to your doctor, talk to your partner about what to do in case it happens, you can try other medications, get on medication if you aren’t already, and/or seek out additional advice from a sex therapist to help reduce your concerns of having a seizure during intercourse.

“We, for some reason never saw each other again… but thinking back, what are the fucking odds? I was more bothered that I didn’t finish up myself!” – Dan

Thank you to Dan for sharing your story with me, I hope this article gives readers more of an inclination as to what ‘Shit Happens’ is going to be posting about. We aim to educate, and share for awareness of matters that happen to a lot more to people than you probably think.

Get Involved

If you would like to share one of your sex stories that you deem to be ’embarrassing’ or ‘cringey’ send them over to shithappenstothebestofus@gmail.com and let’s change that! #JudgementFreeZone